The Robot Apocalypse

More destructive than reality television or cute 16-year-old baby sitters, the coming robot apocalypse is nothing to take lightly. You should prepare by hiding in your bunker with 10-foot-thick steel walls.

Yeah, you better be scared.

Just The Facts

  1. Robots will save man a lot of time in destroying himself.
  2. Robots are basically metal zombies (no, not Metallica fans), though remarkably less adorable.
  3. Luckily, all robots have a big red self-destruct button. Just push that and...what? They don't? They're impossible to destroy?!? Run for your lives!

CRACKED ON ROBOTS

The robot has been invented under the guise of making life easier for humans, which is a complete lie. Living is a fairly hard thing to accomplish when you're dead and you certainly will be once robots have their way. No matter how they might be gallivanting about, robots have only one thing on their software brains: the complete enslavement and/or destruction of all mankind, i.e., Wal-Mart.

Put any face you want on them, but know that behind those motor-driven smiles and spring-loaded eyelids is the same creepy autonomy witnessed only in children and porcelain dolls from horror movies. Like bashing open a pinata and finding a dead midget inside, when you see underneath the surface of a robot's programming, the piss will be scared out of you. Too bad piss isn't enough to stop a robot on a murderous rampage because you'll be losing it by the bucket load. As a matter of fact, urine, feces and tears are natural aphrodisiacs for robots.

A sure sign of the robot apocalypse will be the increase in the number of people getting vaporized. Right now, that number is fairly low. When robots begin their deadly objective, this number will increase exponentially until the human population is whittled down to just a few stragglers and Andy Dick, since that guy refuses to go away.

OUTSOURCING

Turns out, robots are stealing more jobs than Mexica...uh...illegal immigrants. Instead of kicking them back south, society is actively inviting robots into its homes. Here are some of the robots that will be on the front lines of humans' destruction.

Security Guard Robots

Usually over-fed, trigger-happy, Police Academy failures, the role of security guard is being increasingly replaced by trigger-happy hunks of lifeless metal which will rearrange your shit before you have a chance to scan your I.D. badge. Giving a gun and the authority to make a citizen's arrest to a robot is like giving a book of stamps to the Unibomber.

Um...what was option A again?

Roomba

Don't pull down the paycheck to afford a maid service, but have enough extra money that you can afford to be a lazy fatass? Well, for three or four times the price of a Dirt Devil you can purchase a Roomba. This is basically a Walkman on steroids that piss-poorly vacuums the carpets so you don't have to piss-poorly do it yourself. It might not look suspicious, but it's obvious that saw blade teeth could be attached to the side, turning this cute button into a spinning blade of carnage. At least it will clean up after itself.

Hope you're not attached to your Achilles' heel!

Self-Driving Cars

Now we're getting robots to handle one of the privileges of being over the age of 16? This should scare the ape capers out of you. While not exactly self-driving, these cars can slow down if you get too close to the car in front of you, warn you if you're going over the speed limit and even eject you if it's just tired of your bullshit. Okay, it can't do that, but it'd be funny if it could. Riding down the highway, seeing people flung left and right by their fed-up vehicles; nothing but Asians, women, teens, SUV owners, cell phone users and old people littering the roadways.

Computer malfunction or woman driver?

Sex Dolls

Now we're getting robots to handle one of the privileges of being over 18? These dolls are closer to the real thing than the real thing itself. While not exactly robotic yet, know that when the first truly autonomous brains are created, they will be inserted into sex dolls, probably in the pelvic area because all men wish women thought with their vaginas. This would give a whole new meaning to dry humor or wet brain.

The only thing more vulnerable than being in the shower is being involved in a sex act. Imagine getting it on with your robotic companion when the order goes out to eradicate all humans. One moment you're screaming out God's name and the next you're screaming Sweet Almighty Jesus as gun barrels come out of your mechanical lover's fingertips. "You thought you came hard. So-Real Doll comes harder." ™

Hint: It's not armed with a laser beam.

SURVIVAL

So, we're inviting these machines into our lives, becoming less and less self-sufficient. Cell phones and high speed internet are just the lube for the butt fucking we're going to endure when the machines take over. There is no guarantee that Keanu Reeves will rise up to save us. We have to prepare ourselves. Always keep a bucket of water and a taser on your person. Keep a bag of EMP grenades close by at all times. Wear a clove of garlic around your neck and make sure your home has no technology in it. Live like the Amish, but, you know, still take baths and stuff. If all else fails. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Oh, shit, that won't work:

Okay, okay, run up stairs. RUN UP STAIRS FOR YOUR LIVES!

Wait, wait! RUN DOWN STAIRS FOR YOUR LIVES!