Nature

As it is poignantly stated in many great Cracked Articles, Nature is on a constant and vigilant struggle to see us dead. From the jellyFish to the volcano, the evidence is ample that the twisted motivator of the physical world is out to abort us all

Hollywood's image of Mother Nature. Keep the bitchiness minus the bad acting and you are pretty close.

Yeah, where?

So it has come to this...

Just The Facts

  1. Mommy Nature is on a never-ending crimson tide of evil.
  2. God is of no help, I mean, has praying stopped a storm from killing your ghetto?
  3. While she is a helpful Goddess of Hate, Nature is also a master of cruel twists and creating evil kill-beasts.
  4. While I am sure that George Bush hates Black People (I mean, who doesn't?) Mother Nature is the one to blame for Hurricane Katrina. Seriously, how can a retard with a drug history as long as his sport history really be a Weather God?

Okay...here is the plan...

Alright, so here is what I am going to do. I am going to go to the Hall of the Mountain King to bargain that for his aid in alleviating our pain that we shall all serve him in death and that we will sacrifice our elderly now. Then I will trap the MerBitch of the Seas within her Temple of Flowing Waters to get her to stop the goddamn tidal waves and shit....oh wait....that's Ultima 8. Shit! Well, I guess I will have to take the morning-after pill on that plan. Time for plan-b. I will go to my friend, the neighborhood pharmacist, and have him fashion a midol pill so superfluous in size that Nature as a thinking, calculating, cold thing will have nothing else to do but to calm the fuck down and stop her shit-load of terror. But I may have to hide it in some cheese first.

From all of my dealings with Nature-Philes I have encountered the many brain-voids out there who like to think that the Universe is a kind or loving place where "harmony" is maintained in the hopes of appeasing the ultimately well-meaning plan of a Nanny-Deity. These people can all just fuck off a cliff and die with protein-stains. Chances are, from Jehova's Witnesses preaching to lions to Wiccans worshiping nature as the mother bear from the Charmin commercials, and Christians scolding cats who kill chihuahuas (oh, and thinking that God will magically reproduce necessary resources and magically create more space for an over-populating human race...Ann Coulter) we are surrounded by people who both do not and WILL not learn to comprehend that not only is Nature not loving or our direct parent but is not something that can really be conquered...without physics... .

Most of the time people will either see Nature as a broad term for biology and the propagation of life in general or they will see it as a magical force/deity/bi-product of a magical deity/all three.However, one has to seriously consider what the hell any of these things mean. If Nature is a living thing then it obviously hates you. If Nature is not conscious then why does it hate you so damn much? There. We got those pesky details out of the way. The real question here is, who is this God person and why the fuck are people worshiping him if he made this evil bitch in the first place (alledgedly, as he is obviously powerless to stop her. I like to see him as the mad scientist from Aqua Teen Hunger Force screaming: "What had Science done?!"). Then we get people who see nature as being this thin veil of existence that is meaningless and easily turned upside down. No. Sorry but, no. Nature is here to stay and it is itself, forever. Period. There is no such thing as something that is "unnatural", "supernatural" or "paranormal". If there is magic, a ghost somewhere, demons, god etc., then it is Natural. It is a Naturally occuring thing. Nature is not known thoroughly in or out. We are learning new things about this hella-beast every damn day. So you cannot undo or outsmart Nature, defile Nature, go above Nature's machinations and there is no other-Nature to be concerned about because Nature is Nature is Nature. She is a cold, favoritistic, descriminate bitch and some rules that are restricting will apply to one thing and totally overgo another. This is not an over-ruling or seperation of Natures, that is just the Nazi-Germany approach that she has favored since Moses attended her burning bush, and way before that when she killed our older brother the Dinosaurs for crying too much and hid his body in a chest in her closet. To watch it rot of course.

While nature is not really all that bad, when Mother Nature makes it rain, it is 50/50 whether she is going to make it pour all the fuck up in your shit and drown your wretched ass. Then again, she is also the guiding devil-voices that convince your cat to torment the living shit out of you and your one friend who is allergic or to attack that one special soemone you have over who is a little curious to see if you keep knives in the panty drawer (while smugly ignoring real intruders). Actually, fuck cats. The South American Python (any kind) is what people meant when they were writing about Satan. These fuckers are the most diligent and developed killers on the planet. Even a SWAT Team would have trouble with one of them. Nature is also what makes life turn to shit just because of a little bit of age. What the hell happened to evolution? I see why there is so much death all over the fucking place but why can't the body adapt to being torn apart by its own fucking respiratory system! Seriously, most of the physical effects of going over the hill are made just by breathing. Nature is the kind of bitch who takes the Cigarette Industry's game and flips it into an act of such ferocious kick-assery that you will limp away knowing who is boss. Oxygen is not only life-giving to such a degree that it is required to fucking grow anything (if you take away all oxygen, the organsim will literally be frozen in time becuase there isn't even enough oxygen to suffocate...damn...) it is also one of the most toxic substances because it is the chief agent in any and all chemical breakdowns. Aside from this holy shit moment, also realize that water is important to have healthy chromosomes (yes, dehydration can fuck up your genetics) it is also poisonous in such a way that it washes away your vital substances and kills you like so much mud. Guess the KKK needs to revise their vernacular. That is just the kind of shit that the great Vagina in the Sky is flinging at us and there is just nothing that we can do about it.