Dancers

I recently attended my friend's High School Dance Showcase in the hopes of finding myself on better terms with her (vagina). In between sleep and boredom, I found myself exclaiming "Holy shit! Did that just happen?!"

You know. This really is starting to seem like not that bad of an idea.

Just The Facts

Most Dancers are female.
Most male Dancers are totally gay.
Straight male Dancers get A LOT of women.

Why Being a Dancer Isn't as Gay as You Thought

I'm sure you must be asking yourself: "What could possibly make me, an extremely masculine fellow (or lady), not only attend a dance showcase but shout such obscenities." Well calm down and stop pissing yourself because I myself have been involved in so many manly activities like hunting, fishing, and getting laid that Hemingway himself feels like a little girl by comparison. However, this show of masculinity in its most raw of forms came by complete surprise.

It began innocently enough as I drifted in and out of dreams of becoming so popular that eight-year-olds would climb into my van without any incentives for candy.

Yeah that's totally me.

Suddenly the entire crowd gasped. My eyes jerked open just in time to see a man land a backflip in the arms of five women. The manliness of having the muscle to do a backflip combined with the manliness of landing in the arms of five women made me first realize that perhaps I was wrong about this whole dance thing.

I met this man among men after the show, praying to myself that he was, in fact, utterly homosexual lest I question everything I ever knew. To my horror, he had girls all over him, his biceps bulging all bulge-like.

But not like that.

How could this have possibly happened?!

I didn't sleep for weeks, laying in bed without the will power even to turn on the television, vomiting and excreting bodily fluids all over my mattress, drowning in my own tears. I prayed to God asking him how he could have let everything I learned be a lie.

Finally, I got out of bed and simply wondered why a straight man would subject himself to that sort of ridicule.

Oh.

How could I have been so foolish? Of course! Girls always hang all over gay guys. Now imagine, bear with me here. . . what if I could act as gay as possible while still enjoying sex with women? That's how dancers do it! Now all I have to do is work out like crazy, learn how to dance, and I will get more women than some sort of. . . woman-getter machine.

Pictured: Woman-getter machine.

Alright, what now?

I retired to the local Y-M-C-A to take a simple ballet course. I succeeded tremendously. Metaphorically (also, literally) kicking dirt into those seven-year-old boys' faces, I quickly became my teacher's favorite. I wondered how soon I would begin receiving sexual favors on command. It consumed me every moment of every day so I quickly quit my job, finding a new one as my dance teacher's aid.

Photo unrelated.

She began personally instructing me and helping me reach my highest potential. I suddenly felt completely new urges. Instead of thrusting my hips into women, I felt like thrusting my hips. Instead of working my forearms with a repeated stroke, I felt like snapping. And instead of sex with women, I felt like sex--but as a metaphor for dancing.

My dance teacher became extremely proud of me as I quickly rose the ranks of professional dance.