You figure an article on strip clubs will let you see some real pussy,right??
Fucking wrong. You couldn't look at a real vagina if you were the last gynecologist in bitch-town during their famous annual VD festival. Let's hit the strip club.
Just The Facts
- You need to tip only with one dollar bills, or you might accidentally get your dick sucked.
- Buffets at strip clubs serve quality food, you will never get food poisoning.
- Strip clubs only hire fresh faced virgins who have no boyfriends.
- That redhead with the fake tits is totally into me.
- The floor is sticky from the tears of all the lonely girls that want to listen to you talk about your bitch of a wife.
- It is impossible to buy illegal drugs at a strip club.
- She is asking you if you want a private dance because she likes you.
- The bouncer is totally cool if you want to touch the girls.
- Do NOT wear underwear- maximize your lapdance.
- The girls take it as a compliment when you shoot your fetus-frosting in your pants while they rub on you.
- This works even better if you can shoot it on the stage.
- More than anything, people at strip clubs want to see your dick.
Even though your creepy uncle Cliff has been trying to get you to go to a strip club with him for weeks, this is a bad idea. He wears ties from the 70's, and will make you look bad. Besides, lets look at the best case scenario:
There you are, balls deep in an 18 year old red-head named Monique-Dazzlestar, and where is Cliff? Why, he's on the OTHER side of your prize, trying to aim his 46 year old man-mustard on her face.
What if he missess, smart guy? You wanna risk that?
No, your first strip club experience, if you take others, is either with people cooler than you (probably) or lamer than you (unliklely). Either way, you look bad.
You do not want to see his "O" face.
Preparation for the strip club experience is important to the experience as a whole. Eat at home, not at their roadkill buffett. Make sure you either have sunglassess, or cigars, OR both. Wear parachute pants so you can really feel their shame when they rub on you. If you have, um, control problems, think about Fran Drescher and rub three or four out before you go.
Do not fantasize about her voice, and you'll be fine.
If you have a wife or girlfriend (you don't), then you need a good lie:
- I am doing volunteer work down at the titty-cancer clinic
- I am stepping out to get you some Meth. (Note, pick up Meth)
- I am teaching a symposium at the women's shelter on how to treat a man.
- I got a second job, so you could keep sitting on your fat ass all day, my darling.
- "Where am I going?? WHERE AM I GOING??? Are you on your period, you stupid cunt?"
- I'm fucking your sister.
- I'm taking a course on twat massage, down at the technical college.
Once you are out of the house, you need to get your stripper money. If you are tight, here are some things to remember.
- Donating Plasma will give you around $25. That's 25 dances from girls who know you are a poor, cheap piece of shit. Make sure your arm is still bleeding when you go in.
- Dancers do not usually accept McDonalds coupons or food stamps.
- Your wife (or girlfriend) often has jewelry which may be pawned.
- If you have kids, they usually have money from Grandma. Fuck Grandma. Fuck the kids. What did they ever do for you? PROBABLY, you have gotten lap dances from NEITHER.
- You can probably get a car title loan, or a payday loan. If you have no job, forge a paycheck stub and use that.
- If you have big bills, you need to get ones. Tell the girl at the bank you are doing your laundry and need 500 ones. This is totally believable.
- Or, fuck, put it on the company charge card.
Ok, so now you are ready to go to the club. Chances are, you fall into one of two catagories. You are a Backseat Creeper or a Front row Sniffer. These two have different etiquittes, which are vital to know.
The Backseat Creeper
Being a backseat creeper:
- Simple to jack off under the table
- Can see the bitc...talent, while other chumps pay
- Location makes it easy to do drugs
- No need to bathe before going in.
- Less likely to get any head.
- Sticky seats.
- Because it is further from the stage, only the uglier girls will come to your table
- Cannot smell strippers as well.
Sunglasses, Trenchcoat, lots of leather, and drugs. Yep, Morpheus was a creeper..
You are more likely to be a creeper at first for one major reason: You are a dickless freak who is afraid of women. Don't worry, we were all there once. Well, not me. But you see where I'm going here.
The dancers love the creepers the best. Being a creepy guy who smells funny, won't say much and oogles them is VERY attractive to a female.
You may find it best to be a creeper at first because you feel the women might be dangerous. This is a natural feeling, that may persist until you fucking man up and grow a pair.
Quit being a pussy.
Being a Frontrow sniffer:
- If you drink so much you have to vomit, you do it right on the girls, because, hey, that's funny.
- Best place to look confident, which chicks go for when they are looking for steady partners to have sex with.
- You will be close enough to sort out the strippers with Syphilis by smell alone.
- Many times, the girls want someone to dance on the stage with them. As the closest guy, this is your chance.
- Easier to motorboat titties.
- Hard to insert butt plug and jack off in private, with all the lights on you.
- Because all the women can see you, you are a prime target. This means you will have to have sex with at least three of them, which is tiring.
- Since you are so close, you can tell when a dancer wants to pull you onto the stage and fuck you right there. The bouncer can't see as well, and this can cause some issues.
- Easier to ejaculate onto their face and/or hair.
- As they gyrate, you will get covered in skanky pussy-juice. This stains clothing.
Remember: She is more turned on right now than you are.
This is where you sit back, smoke that cigar, and wait for the blow-jobs to start rolling in. Being a Front row sniffer is a BIG responsability. You have to constantly have a stack of bills in front of you, which you never intend to hand out, as well as be loud. Yelling things at the dancers is a big plus. Some favorites:
- "Move it, bitch! Pretend I'm your brother!"
- "Show me why you can't get a job!"
- "That's it!! Make little Timmy a dollar!"
- "Shake that Meth-magnet!"
- "You don't NEED college with tits like that!"
Remember, a unique look, as well as treating the cunts like a gentleman, will take you far.
A unique look helps you to be memorable for the sketch artists.
The lap dance
Here is what we showed up for, the lap dance. This is the moment where you get to lose all your money, so pay attention.
The rest of these guys are losers; she's only interested in YOU.
A preformer will only ask you for a lap dance if she secretly wants to gargle your Sperm-soup.Because she is in love with your rugged love handles and thinning hair, she really doesn't care if you pay her. This is embarrassing for her, however, because the other girls will think she's gone all "pretty woman" on yer pimply ass. Save your new lady love the shame, and hand her this up front:
Here are the most important things you can remember during your lapdance.
- All your brain-blood is in your boner now, So don't try to count anything or read any books.
- Mutual respect means a lot to a woman. Try and finger-bang her.
- This is the best time to try and steal any jewelry you may want for your wife.
- Before the dance starts, ask if she is on birth control. Fuck, you don't need any kids!
- Be sure to go to the mens room first, and pour on cologne. That way, she won't smell the other dancers.
- Smoking while she dances is just rude. It's bad for her lungs, and remember, she's exercising. Put it out on her ass.
- After you shoot your load on the floor, tell her she can lick it up. Dancers need the protien.
- Remember: This is the highlight of her day.
A common mistake: Most lapdances should happen near the club's kitchen, so she may then make you food.