Britney Spears

Born in 1981 in what we assume were the backwoods of Mississippi and raised in what we assume was a trailer in Louisiana, Britney Spears learned at an early age that being a precocious blonde could take her places.  And take her places it did, as she joined the New Mickey Mouse Club in 1993, where she honed her famous bad singing alongside the likes of Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Ryan Gosling.  After leaving the show after 1994, she eventually signed with Jive Records in 1997.  We don't know why it was called Jive Records, because to our knowledge, being jive - as in a jive turkey - is a bad thing.  On second thought, maybe it was the perfect place for Brit.

Smashing success as a sex symbol and part time singer came in 1999 with the release of her debut single "Baby One More Time," which emplored people to hit her once more.  We're still not sure whether this was a sexual innuendo or if she just really likes abuse, but frankly we were too busy staring at her in that school girl outfit to really care.

Hit what now?

During that time, Britney could often be found opening for such edgy acts as 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys, but soon she became the star of the show thanks to her T&A.  And by that, we of course mean TAlent.  Ahem.

Soon she was everywhere, a pop sensation appearing on magazine covers such as Rolling Stone and in such critically acclaimed sitcoms as Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  At the end of her debut year, she had people fooled enough into thinking that she was a talented artist that they actually gave her four Billboard Music Awards.

Britney followed up the stunning success of her first album with another smash single, entitled "Oops...I did it again!"  While we like to think she was playfully explaining a fart with that title, it's more likely that she was offering a half hearted apology for continuing to subject our ears to such torture.  But thankfully, she still looked good.

Our ears forgive you.

The pop behemoth that was Britney Spears was only growing as the world passed Y2K and entered the new millenium, and seemingly nothing could stop her from global domination.  In 2001 she released her third album, titled simply "Britney" which included such classic tracks as "I'm a Slave 4 U."  Between wanting to be hit one more time, accidentally doing something (presumably naughty) again, and suggesting that she's a (sexual) slave for some dude, we can't imagine what kind of image Britney was going for as she neared her 20's.

Nevermind, we've got it now.

And then, in 2002, things began to unravel just as quickly as they had, uh, raveled...for Britney.  Is raveled a word?  We can't imagine you can un-something, like unravel, unless you can do the opposite, which in this case would be ravel.  But that's neither here nor there.  In any event, Britney faced personal tragedy in 2002 with the release of her horrendous movie Crossroads.  Also, her longtime beau Justin Timberlake ditched her and wrote a scathing song ("Cry Me a River") about her, and she responded by...allegedly sleeping with Fred Durst.

Um...take that, Timberlake...

Things kept spiraling downward for Britney when at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards (back in a mythical time when MTV used to actually play music videos) she appeared with caged animals and a python draped around her shoulders.  We're resisting the obvious "check out those pythons" joke about Durst up there, which is what he was likely saying when posing for the photo.  PETA took offense to her performance (for more than just the horrendous music), which might not have been a big deal since PETA takes offense to everything, except that Brit was scheduled to do a campaign for PETA that same year.  It was promptly shitcanned.

In 2004, despite finding relative critical success with her album "In the Zone," which featured the smash single "Toxic" (which at this point, probably described Britney after having slept with Durst), she still found herself teetering on the brink of falling into obscurity and becoming a perpetual punchline.  And then, in 2005, she married this guy:

Some dude.

After 55 hours of wedded bliss, Britney ditched her old childhood friend, Jason Allen Alexander (George is gettin' upset!).  It turns out that wedding an old friend in the wee hours of the morning in Vegas might have been a bad idea for Brit, who claims she hadn't thought her actions through.  In other words, she was shitfaced.

But later that year, there seemed to be hope on the horizon for Brit.  She had a new album, and she met a man with whom she fell in love, who happened to be a super dancer.  Could this be the beginning of an upswing for Britney Spears?  Unfortunately for Brit, the new love of her life was, well...

Him.

 Three months after having met background dancer Kevin Federline, Britney and the flaming douchebag were engaged.  UPN decided to air what was sure to be a shitstorm of crazy in a show called Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, which lasted two months until people realized that 1) it was simply too much idiotic crazy for one small time network to handle, and 2) there was no chance of Britney nudity on UPN.  After the two were wed in September of 2005, Britney decided it was time to take a break from her career and start a family.

Collectively, the world read this news and reportedly said in unison, "God help us all."

Within a year, Britney and K-Fed had two children, and reports of Brit being a pretty craptacular mother began surfacing, thanks in large part to the paparazzi following her around and taking pictures of her driving around with her infant son perched, unrestrained, on her lap.  Apparently for Brit, having a baby was a lot like having a poodle.  And by the end of 2006, it came as little surprise to anyone when Brit and K-Fed filed for divorce.

Things really took a downturn for Britney early in 2007, when this happened:

GAH!

After entering a drug rehab facility in Antigua and leaving less than a day later, Spears was spotted in a salon with a pair of clippers giving herself the Curly Howard look.  A few days later, she admitted herself to another rehab center, and this time managed to stay longer than 24 hours.  During this time, K-Fed and Brit went to court over the custody of her children, and eventually in October of 2007, in a shocking turn that made us check the temperature in Hell, Federline found himself in the unlikely situation of being deemed the more fit parent.  The fact that Brit had been subjected to random drug tests and had been arrested for a hit and run and driving without a license probably didn't help her case.

Amazingly around the same time Brit released yet another album, and somehow "Blackout" managed to debut at number two on the pop charts, proving once again that people are morons.  Her second single from the album, "Piece of Me," even managed to go platinum in the US.

But that still didn't stop the crazy from building.  In January of 2008, Britney still refused to give up custody of her children, and soon police were called in to intervene.  Brit was admitted to Cedars-Sinai and subjected to more drug and alcohol tests, and even went through a couple days of psychiatric evaluation.  Her visitation rights to her children were suspended indefinitely, and by the end of the month all of her assets were put under the control of her father, James, and her attorney, Andrew Wallete.  In the summer of 2008, Britney and Federline finally came to the agreement where K-Fed would retain sole custody rights, and Spears would regain her visitation priveleges.

Toward the end of 2008 with K-Fed long behind her and her custody battle settled, Brit set out on the long road toward a legitimate comeback.  She opened the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and somehow managed to snag three awards, including Best Video of the Year, which only serves as further proof that music videos must be in really short supply ever since MTV stopped actually airing them.  Nice going, MTV.

Spears also managed to release another successful album, this time entitled "Circus."  We hope that the title was slyly self-referential in regards to her life, but in all likelihood Britney just really likes the trapeze and cotton candy.  Two singles from her latest album have topped the Billboard charts, which shockingly vaulted her into second place all-time for number one hits in Billboards Mainstream Top 40, behind the equally crazy Mariah Carey.  The lesson, as always, is that you can be as crazy as you like and still be a successful singer as long as you have big breasts.

My, aren't they talented!

So what does the future hold for Brit?  It appears that, no matter how many times she proves to us that she's one crazy bitch, as long as she keeps pumping out albums there will be people to buy them.  But if you're like us and you miss the crazy rise and fall and shenanigans of vintage Spears, don't worry; she has a younger sister.

And Jamie Lynn already has a kid!