Rule 34

Rule 34 is, in brevity, the reason 2 girls 1 cup exists.

Photo by Dr. Strange

Just The Facts

  1. Rule 34 is a basic principle that of the internet that states "if it exists, there is porn of it."
  2. Someone, somewhere, is literally screwing one of your beloved childhood characters in the rectum.
  3. There are no exceptions.

History

When Al Gore invented the internet, it's likely he had no idea the huge impact it would have on the world. Information could be shared instantly, news in England could be seen by Americans in no time at all, and in three clicks you can find yourself a picture of an obese man dressed as Santa Clause screwing a midget dressed as an elf.

Porn wasn't always so easy. Twenty years ago you had to steal Playboys from your grandpa that he kept around for the 'articles,' but he always hid them in hard to reach places. Sixty years ago you had to go to the underbelly of the city and ask the local mob boss if he might get you a picture of a naked lady in return for a favor he would ask of you later in life. Centuries ago, kids had to wait for their parents to go hunter/gather, and they could sneak into the restricted area of cave to look at dirty cave drawings.

Oh, yeah. God it's so hot.

But the internet changed all that. Porn was suddenly everywhere. In fact, it accounts for 12% of all websites and 25% of all topics searched. Here's a fun experiment with Google Trends for you.

Green: Porn, Blue: Sex, Red: Jesus, Orange: Obama, Purple: Really Cool Ninjas. Evidently people don't really search for that last one.

Porn and Sex absolutely dominate everything else. The only exception was that little peak where Obama passed them both, barely. Of course that day was election day. Evidently people stopped wanking off for just enough time to acknowledge America elected a black man into the White House. Which must have aroused them more, since "Porn" and "Sex" spike right after. (Okay, so they spike every December, can't we pretend people were excited about social change and not depressed about being lonely during the Holidays?)

Now, with all this excess and availability of nudecular material, chronic masturbators were bound to get bored with straight up screwing. So things got weirder. Bizarre unheard of fetish films started to spring up faster than the boners of those that enjoyed watching them. Non-porn was suddenly put into pornographic situations. When photoshop came along, the medium got even crazier. Princess Leia's naked body entwined around Chewbacca? Yes, please.

And hey, the internet seems like the perfect (and only) channel for that guy in Maine who really likes Sonic the Hedgehog porn to meet up with that weirdo in Rico, Colorado, who happens to be the only other person who enjoys that. So they get together and form SonicbangsTails.com, which you have to admit is a pretty clever title.

It spreads, like a horrible virus, and soon everything became porn. If it's a movie, TV show, popular book, or even a video-game, somebody has put the characters or objects into a lewd situation that their original creator never intended. Did A.A. Milne ever want to see Winnie back-dooring Piglet? No, but evidently some schmuck did. Did Shigeru Miyamoto ever imagine Mario plumming something other than green pipes? (Unless Peach is, you know, filthy).

Nothing is safe. Sorry Shigeru.

Much of it is now done for comedy, but some of it is more graphic than comedy generally allows before it just becomes plain old smut (this coming from Cracked.com). We can only speculate about the lives the poor, lonely people who spend their time creating and drawing some these horrific images must live. But we can almost guarantee that they will murder someone in their lifetime.

If he could have, this guy would have definitely made Smurf porn. There's not a doubt in our minds.


It can come in many forms. Some are more graphic animations and photoshops, some are erotica written by sixth-grade girls who are experiencing horniness for the first time, and some are cheaply made videos with shoddy set replicas, plastic costumes, and desperate actresses scoring their next fix.

Common victims of this debauchery are Disney characters and any other beloved cartoons from your past. Looney Toons, Aladdin, Flinstones, the Simpsons; they've all been Rule-34ized. And since pedophilia laws don't apply to animated, imaginary characters, we can be subjected horrible images involving the Power Puff Girls foursoming with Johnny Quest, or Calvin doing things to his stuffed tiger Hobbes that are more deplorable than that scene in The Accused.

Anybody who has read Harry Potter is obviously aware of the chemistry between Hermione and Snape, so there is a plethora of material putting those two in situations that I'm sure Alan Rickman and Emma Watson would rather not acknowledge.

Yes, it's really out there.

And seeing how Twilight is essentially porno for sixth grade girls already, it only makes sense how much material there is of Edward and Bella doing the nasty, written by authors with just as much talent as Stephanie Meyer.

Sesame Street, Scooby Doo, Power Rangers, Star Wars, even things like President Obama and The Bible- all unfortunate victims of people with filthy fucking minds. We can only imagine this all started with Hentai in Japan, since 90 percent of terrible things come from there anyway.

If there isn't a Rule 35, it should be "People are fucking disgusting."

The DVDA Fallacy

Many people vainly try to find exceptions to the rule, which should heretofore be known as the "New Golden Rule," but usually do so by misusing the rule itself.

For instance, the sexual act abbreviated DVDA, which stands for "Double Vaginal, Double Anal," and is exactly what it sounds like, is considered the holy grail of online pornography, an incredible act that can be imagined but has never been seen.

DVDA in mythical creature form. Also, you'd better fuckin' believe there's unicorn porn.

So Rule 34 doubters proudly state they have found the exception; since there is no DVDA porn, or whatever twisted thing they come up with but can't find (lord knows they have to think of some pretty sick shit to not be able to find it).

The problem: they forgot to consult that handy little flowchart at the top. Question 1: Does it exist? We have no reason to believe that particular horrific act even exists, so as of now, there is no porn of it. But believe you me, as soon as four really flexible guys and a girl who has been around the block (fourteen times) figure out the mind-boggling mechanics of the deed, there will be (we actually think that's Rule 35).

The "You're Getting Way Too Specific, And I Think You Have A Problem" Fallacy

"Rule 34 is bullshit, I searched for hours looking for Indiana Jones going down on Wonder Woman in the Great Hall at Hogwarts while Magenta from Blue's Clues gets off in the corner and found nothing," somebody who should be institutionalized might say.

"How did he know my fantasy?"

They're missing the point. We Sick bastards can put the thousands of beloved characters from pop culture in a near infinite string of combinations and situations; that doesn't mean they've done it yet. What Rule 34 says is that porn of those things exists, not that every incredibly specific, terrifyingly detailed idea that comes to your head is going to be found. What the Rule decrees is that "Indiana Jones porn does exist," and sadly, so does Blue's Clues... It's all documented in the Handy Dandy Notebook.

So just because when you're upset because you can't find any mash ups between George Jetson and Bullwinkle, just be content you found porn of both shows, even if it's not together. Also, you might as well go ahead and familiarize yourself with this.

In Conclusion

Have you learned what you were supposed to?

There. Are. No. Exceptions. Somebody has taken your childhood memories and molested them like a drunk stepfather. It's cruel, and it's unkind, but it's reality.

Nobody is safe from it, not even geeks. Take Star Trek, for instance. Surely nobody would mess with that, right? I mean, Kirk and Spock were friends, they wouldn't, like, do that would they? WOULD THEY?

You betcha.

Rule 34. No exceptions.

It's Everywhere