It's time to LIVE the cartoon!
You wake up, fresh from a nightmare. As you stir, you try to recall what the dream was about. All you can remember is that your nightmare was about your arch-nemesis.
You clear your throat, and steel your resolve. 'Erm, no, he's class 3,' you state. 'Ohhhhh! Whatever!' smiles the registration clerk, 'I don't know anything about this game, I'm just a poor clueless adult.' Taking your level three registration form, the clerk gestures you towards a waiting room. This room is full of nervous trainers pacing and Pokemon bouncing off the wall. Before you know it, your name is being called on the P.A. It's time to battle in the first round, which is also the Finals!
As you formulate a plan, you take track of information provided by your keenest senses. Your hearing is sharp- you'll be able to track a Road Runner a mile in front of you. You can feel his vibrations in the hot asphalt. Your most acute sense, smell, finds a hint of motor oil in the air, letting you know the ACME delivery truck is near. Sure enough it soon screeches to a halt in front of you. Funny, that truck seems to follow you around, everywhere. The driver pulls up the side to reveal a menu. Money in hand, you stride up, confident that ACME purchases work 100% of the time.
You ask Launchpad if he's seen any tricks for luring Magica out of hiding. 'I sure haven't,' is his reply, 'but Dewey knows all about that stuff. He's always researching black magic and collecting firearms. Last I saw him, he was in your bowling alley.'
'By the Power of Greyskull, Sunshine Flash,' you speak. Peekaboo begins glowing, and absorbing the power of the sun. Hissy-Rattle studies this, then tears Peekaboo's head off.
Sticking to your role, you allow only hot female specimens to enter the club so as to not draw suspicion. Eventually, your Road Runner arch-nemesis makes it to the front of the line. As you check his i.d., you notice that his eyes are shaky and his hand is trembling.
'I was hoping you'd say that,' quips Flintheart, running up the stairs to his plane. In a flash, you find yourself staring at the barrel of the plane's wing-mounted machine gun. Oddly, Flintheart chooses this moment to unleash the plane's bomber capabilites. The payload of bombs busts from the plane's belly, hitting the ground just twenty feet below. The resulting explosion dissolves everyone you've ever known, including Flintheart.
'Triple Penetrate him' you bark. But, Peekaboo just stares at you, blankly. Then, you realize, you don't actually have amove called the 'triple penetrator.' Yet another downside of blowing off your training sessions to watch hardcore pornography. While you are pondering this, Hissy-Rattle tears off Peekaboo's limbs.
The Road Runner accepts, and you lead him to a private couch away from the dance floor. The Road Runner sips from a large beer mug, which seems to take the edge off. Slipping the beer mug around his neck, the Road Runner asks you to step outside for a smoke. Outside, you sense your chance to strike.
You turn the dial to 'sleet.' The rain picks up, soon the entire sky is filled with frogs flying down. As you suffocate under the weight of the frogs, your last thoughts are that this is a fitting death for an idiot.
You pounce onto the Road Runner, knocking him down with your speed. You try to grab his neck, but instead seize the beer mug wrapped around it. You both hit the pavement, and roll down the road in a huge fighting cloud of dust:
'Peekaboo, I command you to use Loose Juice Spray' you cry. Peekabo turns red-faced, screws up his face, and unleashes agolden stream towards Bob. It hits him in the eyes, temporarily blinding him. Great move! You've bought yourself some time.
You steady your nerve. 'Aluminum,' you say to the stone idol. Its eyes light up, and slowly turn their gaze upon you. 'I am sorry, Ash, but that is wrong. The punishment is death.' cries the stone idol, immediately before stomping on you.
You sprint after the Road Runner. He is fast, but you are steadily gaining ground. After an hour of chase, the Road Runner is within pouncing distance. As you tense your muscles, preparing for the final leap, the roar of two oncoming trucks surges towards you.
After Handing you a large bomb, the driver puts on a lead suit and screeches away.
You pick up the trusty hunting rifle you like to carelessly leave at the bottom of your broom closet. Checking the chamber, you can see that you have exactly one shell. Strolling outside, you cock the rifle. Flintheart has been making great time for being on a pogo stick- he's almost gone 5 whole feet down the street! Setting him in you sights, you slowly squeeze the trigger. Flintheart sees you and falls on his knees.
'I'm begging you, Mr. McDuck, show a poor World's Second Richest Duck some sympathy.'
'Super-dupe your rear attack,' you scream. Peekaboo's rear end explodes, sending a shock-wave into the stands and through the countryside. By the time the destructive wave subsides, you have wiped out one-half of the entire earth. Coincidentally, everyone who ever loved you was on that half.
Seemingly against your own will, you back up, then run full speed at the tunnel hole. Crashing into the side of the cliff face, you fracture your skull in six places.
You run into the woods, abandoning Peekaboo behind you. The woods grow thicker, closing in around you. Suddenly, the woods open up into a bright metropolitan city. Businesspeople hurry about in suits. A sharp whistle blares in your ear. You look up, it is a police officer. 'Why aren't you in school?' he shouts. Grabbing you by the arm, he deposits your keister in P.S. 121. You spend the rest of your days in reality, longfully yearning for the game-driven economy of Yoyoma.
You decide to throw a curveball. If this pitch is a strike, you've won the intra-state all-duck softball championship, and saved Christmas. Sadly, the batter makes contact, sending the ball flying into your face. The impact is fatal.
You slowly wake, as the desert sun heats up the landscape. As you daydream of the moment when you will finally catch your arch-nemesis, a blue blur whooshes by you with a 'beep beep.' It is your ultimate prey, the Royal Blue Road Runner.
Remembering the advice that your best friend May gave you, right after she slept with your dad, you act defensively. This allows you to study Bob's actions and the ways of Hissy-Rattle. Particularly, you notice Hissy-Rattle likes to swallow opposing Pokemon whole, then gradually poop them out over the next hour. You scoop up the remains of Peekaboo, and flush them.
You pick up the orange pogo stick, and begin bouncing out of the house. However, you soon remember that this is the magical orange pogo stick you stole from an indigenous pygmy tribe. With every hop, you find yourself growing thinner, soon you are too frail to even ride, and all of your bones collapse into dust.
'Cuddle Bunny Attack,' you seethe. Peekaboo launches himself into the air, and prepares to nibble at the dragon's ear. But the Dark Trainer counters, 'Pookey Bear Surprise,' and your Pokemon is on the ground, breathing hard. The dragon crouches, preparing to pounce.
You pounce, but the Road Runner is faster and he runs away.
You decide to shoot him, anyway. But then, out of the corner of your eye, you spy Dewey watching you from a window. And angrily masturbating. Not wanting your nephew to learn from shocking violence, you lower the gun. This gives Flintheart just enough time to pounce on you, digging a knife into your eye.
You sit there, like a trained poodle. Hissy-Rattler rears back and unhinges her jaw. She is poised to swallow Peekaboo.
Your blow glances off the beer mug around his neck. As you hold your fist and yelp in pain, the Road Runner has enough opportunity to dash away.
Something's not right, and that usually means someone's after your money. You charge back to your office, a confused Gyro stumbles after you. Sure enough, the door to your vault is wide open. You can hear Ma Beagle, the lead Beagle Boy, inside.
You screech to a halt and jump into oblivion. As you float into space, your partially-flayed corpse makes you scream and writhe in agony. As your brain dies from shock, the last thing you hear is a doppler-effected 'beep, beep.'
You run outside, the Beagle Boys follow. Oddly, Magica de Spell is in your front yard, yelling at Huey who is on the roof. Suddenly, a huge private jet flies onto the grounds. It lands on the Beagle Boys and Magica, crushing them to death. You stroll over to Flintheart. He invites you to sit, wisely he chooses a spot in the grass well away from all of the pus-oozing corpses. 'It is far time you and I did battle,' starts Flintheart, 'I knew the Beagle Boys could never seal the deal.'
'So,' you gasp, 'it was you who sent dirty Ma Beagle after me.'
'Yes, as you know, it is hard constantly living in the shadow of the World's Richest Duck. I have envied you my whole life, and its time for this thing to stop.'
'Aye,' you respond, 'you have been a threat to my family for too long, there is obviously only one way to settle this. You lock eyes with Flintheart, he nods solemnly, then speaks.
'A super-goofy race around the world!'
You rush back into your office. It's still as empty as the time you left it. Seeing your office empty, combined with a lifetime of untreated depression, is too much. You tie a rope around your neck, and step off the diving platform in your immense vault, hanging yourself.
You decide to finish upgrading your Segue Scooter's Road Runner G.P.S. Sadly, while tweaking the settings, the entire G.P.S. blows up. This would normally not be fatal. However, due to your poor eyesight, you are holding the G.P.S. one inch away from your eyes when it explodes. You die.
As you rush through the house, you plunge headlong into Gyro. 'Mr. McDuck, I took care of those nasty intruders, and I learned something very critical you should know right now.'
You figure that, as long as you do whatever trick the Road Runner does, you're safe. However, when the road runner squeezes into the narrow gap between trucks, you're screwed. Two grills to the face later, you're a pancake.
You sprint after the Road Runner, giving chase along a winding desert highway. The road curves through the hills. As you crest the first hill, you can see the blue bird deep in the distance.
- Follow him on the road.
The magical unicorn lands in front of Pikachu. 'Must have flesh!' screams the unicorn, baring its sharp fangs. Within seconds, Pikachu has been eaten. The vicious unicorn turns its eyes upon you. As it rips your flesh clean off of your bones, your last thought is, 'I shouldn't have left the hedge maze without the garden troll.'
The Road Runner collapses into dust. You realize you have accelerated thousands of years in the blink of an eye, and the Road Runner had long expired.
Holding your cane in front of you, like a sword, you charge into Ma Beagle, knocking her off of your diving platform, and into the riches, below. However, the other Beagle Boys have arrived from the pantry, and they don't enjoy you beating up their mother. In fact, they kill you in a very gory manner which will not be described here, but, rest assured, it is gross.
You approach Bob to stab him. Suddenly, his Pokemon, Grizzlemissle, lets out a warning shriek. Bob whirls around. With a quickly barked command to Grizzlemissle, you soon find a glowing-hot lizard flying at your face. It incinerates you, then makes a nest from your bones and lays its eggs.
You swallow the pills. At first, nothing happens. Then, you slowly hear the swelling beat of a bass machine. It gets louder and louder, until you ARE the bass. All you want to do is dance. All of a sudden, a fully-equipped Road Runner Nightclub bursts from your belly. Needless to say, the wound this causes is fatal.
'Peekaboo, do super ninja swipe!' you exclaim. Consulting the power of ninjas, Peekaboo attacks. The Dark Trainer responds with 'Cutey Wutey Pootie Pie,' which, of course, is the only move whch stops super ninja swipe. By 'stops,' we naturally mean,'makes all of Peekaboo's organs explode, then trickle out his mouth.' You lose bad.
You paint a detour pointing to a painted highway leading to the edge of a real, not-painted cliff. Sure enough, the Road Runner runs over the edge. However, he manages to scoot 500 feet to an adjoining cliff where, oddly enough, there is a road. You hastily follow, it is not until you are 200 feet past the cliff edge that you realize there is nothing below your feet.
As Led Zeppelin finishes an hour-long version of 'Dazed and Confused,' you realize that this is the best bonding experience you've ever had with your nephews. Sadly, Led Zeppelin announces they will finish the concert with a rockin' human sacrifice, and you are chosen to die.
Lifting your leg, you dowse the pills with coyote juice. You scramble out of the way as a giant nightclub springs up. Dressing yourself as a doorman, you stand in front of the velvet rope that guards the doorway. Soon, amphetamine-fueled female Road Runners are lining up to get into the joint. This is enough to draw your favorite Road Runner prey out of hiding. You see him at the back of the line.
'You're in luck, or should I say, not in luck,' chortles Flintheart, 'for I just spent $62 million developing this new pogo stick which goes TWICE as fast as a normal pogo stick.'
'This is part of the reason you're not the World's Richest Duck, you know,' you mention, but Flintheart has already raced into his plane to retrieve his pogo stick. You quickly run to the broom closet, where you have a wide selection of pogo sticks collected during your travels around the world.
'Peekaboo, do your donkey punch,' you shriek. Peekabo slips behind Hissy-Rattle and smacks him in in the back of the head. Hissy-Rattle tightens every muscle. Now is the time to take action!
You set the dial to 'tornado.' A funnel of wind forms just above your head. This funnel catches the frogs, flinging them far away and keeping you safe. Within minutes, the storm cloud disappears. Gyro turns off the now-unneccessary weather machine.
'Who keeps screwing with my frog cloud,' you hear from below. Peering over the eaves, you spot Magica de Spell shaking a bony fist at you. She screams something else, but yo can't quite hear her. You lean over the edge, hoping to catch what Magica is trying to tell you, when Gyro grabs you by the coattails and pulls you back. You glare at Gyro, who points to the sky. There, a private plane zooms into view. A private plane equipped with machine turrets.
'Flintheart Glomgold,' you mutter, 'my arch-enemy.' Glomgold's plane sets down right on top of Magica, crushing her to death. A sleek staircase glides out of the plane, onto which steps Flintheart.
You shove Gyro into the room, and charge in behind him. The two Beagel Boys look up, startled.
You set the timer and stare at it as it ticks down to zero. As you vaporize, your last thoughts are, 'the Road Runner probably died first, due to smaller body mass. It was worth it.'
'Dirty Sanchez him' you shriek. Obviously, Peekaboo mishears you, because he sticks a paw in his own backside and begins trying to wipe it on the lip of Hissy-Rattle. The good news is, Peekaboo succeeds. The bad news is, immediately after, Hissy-Rattle takes a chunk out of Peekaboo, leaving him to bleed out.
You push the button labeled, 'Warning!' The pogo stick rockets forward, slamming you into a wall. Right before your brains are pushed out of every hole in your head, your last thought is, 'I should've pushed that other button.'
You head upstairs to Dewey's room. Sure enough, he's in there, angrily masturbating to a photo of Aduck Hitler. After you physically restrain Dewey, he politely shares his knowledge about Magica de Spell. According to Dewey, Magica only comes out when one of her spells are disturbed. 'Of course!' you chitter, 'Gyro's weather control device. Now where did Gyro get off to?
'I'll get you!' You scream, and begin jostling your way through the crowded line. However, the Road Runner hears you, and makes a getaway. By the time you get to the end of the line, he is long gone.
Happy to be inside, you and Launchpad head down to the bowling alley. Dewey is not there, but you hear a thumping sound from Lane 13.
You spin the dial to 'snow.' The air turns crispy and cold. Soon, frozen frogs are hurtling towards the ground. 'Just one frozen frog to the face at this speed could kill you,' remarks Gyro, right before a frozen frog flies into your face, killing you.
You remember the Pokemon you rescued during your trip to Hades. 'I summon you, Beelzebub,' you cry. The Prince of Darkness, himself, appears before you. Your opponent, God, trembles as Satan bears down upon him with his mighty wrath. You have vanquished the good spirits and brought evil to the land. You will sit on your cold throne and lead the world through years of pain and misery. Congratulations, you win!
The Road Runner staggers over the edge of the road. Placing one foot on the sandy shoulder, the Road Runner is instantly scalded by a patch of flaming red light. The Road Runner hobbles down the road, scared for its life:
'Snuggle Poo, Peekaboo' you exclaim. Peekaboo attempts to snuggle up to the dragon. It works! The lonely dragon takes Peekaboo under his wing. Now is the time to attack!
You step to the side of the road, avoiding a perilous bicycle marathon. After they roll through, there is no sign of the Road Runner:
You open your eyes, all around you the world gleams golden light. Sitting up, you realize you fell asleep swimming in your giant money vault full of loosely-piled gold coins. Yet another failed attempt at some sort of an inventory.
'Uncle Scrooge,' cries an annoyingly-squeaky voice. Looking up, you see Huey, one of the three children of your responsibility-skipping nephew Donald. 'Uncle scrooge, there's something strange going on outside.' Gazing up at the vault's lone window, you see that, yes, it does appear to be caked in blood and guts.
Fetching your cane, you lumber out of your vault, closing and locking the immense steel door. Through the bay windows in your office, you can see that it is raining frogs. Every time a poor frog hits the ground, it explodes in a huge pile of guts. You ring Duckworth, and have him fetch your raincoat, umbrella and galoshes. Just as you are about to put them on, Gyro bursts into the room.
'Mr. McDuck, come quick!' Gyro gasps, 'the alarm system has reported an intruder in Sector 4, also known as your pantry.'
Leaning forward, you fire the accelerator, the Road Runner turns back, you savor the fear in his eyes. turning forward, the Road Runner suddenly ducks. You look up to see an oncoming truck, the Road Runner runs under it, you plow into the grill.
You jump into the middle of the crowded interstate, and are crushed to death by a truck. Honestly, you didn't expect that to happen?
As you take the final steps to narrow the gap, a bicycle marathon runs you over.
'Peekaboo, use secret Generic Attack C,' you cry. Peekaboo's arms turn into celery stalks and he begins cleaving the air. Unfortunately, this does nothing but allow him to become more combustible when the dragon attacks with firebreathing. All that's left of Peekaboo is a pile of ash, which the dragon then uses to deposit his own pile.
You charge into the fat Beagle Boy, hoping to trip up his legs with your cane. The plan works- the fat mutt falls over, crushing you. He doesn't get up until you are dead.
You step on the segue scooter and strap on your helmet. Setting the G.P.S. for 'Road Runner,' the segue rockets fire up. You hold on tight as the scooter shoots towards its destination. You spy an oasis ahead, complete with a pool and floating bar, all in the middle of the road.
Sure enough, the Road Runner is at the bar, enjoying a cool drink with Yosemite Sam. Spotting you, the Road Runner sticks his neck through his half-full beer mug and takes off down the road. Yosemite Sam takes a shot at you, but you are going far too fast for him to get a clean shot. Soon, you are bearing down on the Road Runner, only a few short feet away.
'Hugs time, Peekaboo, Hugs Time,' you shout, in your manliest voice. The dragon, however, is more interested in hugging Peekaboo with his claws. He stretches his claws out, and the witless Peekaboo boldly ebraces them, slicing Peekaboo's insides to shreds.
Yes! The red pogo stick! That's the one you took from the National Pogo Stick Development Championship, when no one was looking. It seems that Gyro has added a kick to it. Good thing, too, because you're way behind Flintheart. Gazing at the control panel, you see two buttons.
'Peekaboo, give 'em the happy ending,' you cry, pumping your fist in the air. Peekaboo spins around lightning fast,throwing hot white droplets everywhere, including into the eyes of Hissy-Rattle. Now blind, Hissy-Rattle begins striking out in random directions.
'Finish him, Peekaboo!' you exclaim. But, instead, Peekaboo lies down for a nap. This is odd, as he never acted like this when you practiced this move in the woods. Soon, it is a matter of luck for Hissy-Rattle to find the napping Peekaboo and tear him to blind shreds.
You scoop up a couple pieces of gold and swallow them. Sure enough, the frenzied gold flies fly down your throat, seeking the easy meal. You feel them buzzing around in your stomach, it tickles. After a few seconds, the buzzing subsides.
'You're in trouble now,' cries a gruff voice. Looking up, you see that the two Beagle Boys have arrived from the pantry.
You set up the large Hadron collider, and soon the atoms are spinning around at high velocities. Like a toddler and the clothes dryer, you simply can't resist climbing in. The collider accelerates you to speeds unknown to man. You launch yourself from the collider, and aim for the blue dot on the horizon.
Soon, you have almost caught up to the Road Runner. As you reach out to seize and squeeze its thin blue neck, the time-space continuum begins to collapse. Matter falls apart, leaving just you, the Road Runner, and a stretch of paved asphalt running through space and oblivion. Looking at your hand, it ages 50 years in the blink of an eye. Flesh starts peeling off of you.
The road stretches into the hot desert. The Road Runner is nowhere to be found. You lost the trail, and are miles from a source of food. The vultures begin circling.
Although Poke-cide is against the law, you know you must do it to stop Peekaboo's suffering. You cry out, 'self-explode, Peekaboo!' From the belly of the snake, a huge bright light glows. The resulting explosion destroys the entire stadium.
You wake up in a nearby field. You are surrounded by all of the townspeople and everyone you love, all of whom survived theexplosion. Peekaboo comes bounding up to you. 'Peekaboo!' you cry. A nerdy kid steps up, 'of course- if a Pokemon self-explodes while inside another Pokemon, only the outer Pokemon dies. I'm surprised we all forgot about that rule, it's on page one.'
The announcer stumbles up to you, and presents you with the giant ultimate trophy for world champions. It is a great day, you are victorious. But more battles await, and what was the fate of the evil, wicked, litterbug Bob?
Sending Duckworth to accompany Gyro to the pantry, you don your rain gear. Making sure your umbrella is trustworthy, you head outside. Just as you are stepping onto the spatious front porch, Launchpad McQuack comes running up.
'Hi-yo, Mr. Mc-D!' Launchpad chortles, 'I'd say it's raining cats and dogs but that'd make me look like a fucking idiot.'
'Right, Launchpad,' you reply. 'Do you have any idea what's causing this?
'Well, I may just be a country hick who slept his way into getting a pilot's license,' comments Launchpad, 'but I reckon that bad voodoo weather sounds like the work of Magica de Spell. She's so scary, just thinking of her make me evacuate my cockpit, if you know what I'm saying.'
'Yes, launchpad,' you reply.
'I mean I've urinated in my woefully-undersized pants,' adds Launchpad.
You're both getting splattered with frogs, it's time for action.
You reach out and grab something long and bony, you pin it to the road. It turns out, you have pinned your own leg to the road, allowing the Road Runner to escape. Behind you, a station wagon neatly runs you over.
You head towards the tournament, tripping over a foreign object along the way. Looking back, you notice it's a ragged old collar belonging to the Pokemon Grizzlemissle. Yet another reason to hate his owner, Bob, with every firy ember in your heart. Doubling your pace, you head into the coliseum walls and stride up to the registration desk. 'Pokemon Class?' says the portly registration clerk. 'Level 3,' you reply.
The clerk goes wide-eyed, clasps their hands to their cheeks, and spins around threetimes. 'That's not a level 3 Pokemon!' he gasps, pointing at Peekaboo. Nervously, you realize he's right. But you can't compete with another Pokemon, Peekaboo is the one with whom you have trained. He is your best friend and lover.
'Look, over there,' you cry. When the registration clerk turns to look, Peekaboo reaches out for a form. But the clerk catches you! 'Just for that, you have to fight the hardest level Pokemon in the whole tournament. Right now.'
The clerk hustles you into the stadium. On the other side of the battle arena stands the largest Dragon you've every seen. At his side is a being made solely of darkness, his trainer. You long for the days of fighting Bob. 'Ladies and Gentlemen, let the match begin!' the announcer cries.
- Attack with 'Cuddle Bunny.'
You sock the Road Runner in the eye, but miss. Taking a few more swings, you realize the Road Runner isn't in the skirmish, anymore. Looking around, you can't find him anywhere. You feel a tap on your shoulder. Whirling around 180 degrees, you are treated to a faceful of Road Runner eye. The Road Runner kicks you in the nuts and runs away. sadly, this ruptures your testicle, and the internal hemorrhaging kills you before you can reach a hospital.
Peekaboo instinctively crouches, and prepares to fend off the Dragon's attack. The Dragon fills the arena with fire, burning you and your Poke-wuss to a crisp. The dark trainer takes off his mask, revealing him to be three beings- Team Rocket.
You last thought is, "oh my gosh, what a neat twist!" Then you are incinerated.
You jump off the road. The trucks both swerve to avoid the Road Runner, collide with each other, and skid off the road in a firy explosion. An explosion which happens right on top of your face.
The soft grass tickles your face. You lift your head. Cherry blossoms float through the air, indicating another beautiful fall. Gazing through the cherry blossoms, you see the familiar A-Framed houses of your hometown, Yoyoma. You lay on a grassy knoll not far from the outskirts of Yoyoma At your side is the loveable, if turd-like, Peekaboo, a monster you use to do battle with famous mages throughout the land.
Sitting up, you realize that the flashing lights of last night's exciting battle must have triggered a seizure in you. Suddenly, trumpets flare from Yoyoma's downtown district. It is almost time for the Grand Ultimate World Pokemon Championships, held twice weekly. You'll need to act fast if you want to secure an entry.
'I should've done this in September, 1956. Panel fifteen,' is your sentence of doom as you pull the trigger, blowing Flintheart's head off. Gyro comes out of his hiding place, underneath the porch.
'Good shooting, Mr. McDuck. I'm always proud of the way you save the day for all of us. By the way, I think now would be a great time to let you know that I am legally required to tell you I am a registered sex offender.' Gyro tips his hat to you.
'All in a days work, Gyro, all in a days work.' You say, poking Flintheart's corpse with your stick. Little Webby Vanderquack comes bounding around the corner, 'Can I have the head for my dolly?' she asks sweetly. Everyone laughs heartily.
While flipping through the instruction manual, Peekaboo begins to glow brightly. 'I don't understand what's going on,' you exclaim, helpfully. Another trainer chimes in, 'Oh, no. If you enter a Pokemon into a contest that's not for his specific level, he bcomes a hydrogen bomb. Flipping through the instruction booklet is how you detonate him.'
This is the last thing you hear before Peekaboo explodes, killing the you and the 300,000 hometown citizens in the coliseum. There is no one left to bury you, there is no one left to mourn.
Violating the International Super Ultimate Fair Treatment Rules, you rush out into the arena and punch the belly of the snake. You punch and punch and punch. Eventually Peekaboo's squirming subsides, he is dead.
You let out an anguished cheer, then look around. The stadium is filled with horrified faces, you are carted away and put on trial for Pokemon abuse. Peekaboo becomes an unwilling poster child for euthanasia. From there on, you lead a generally unfulfilling life.
Scrambling after the Road Runner, you stumble upon an oasis in the Southwestern desert, complete with floating bar. You pull up a seat at the bar next to a red-haired, long-mustached, short gentleman in western wear. Striking up a convo and turning to face him, you find yourself staring down the business end of a double-barreled shotgun. The last thing you hear before your head is blown off is 'I hate varmits.'
You fire Launchpad. He takes it well, thanking you for years of service and extending his hand, which you decline to shake. He stumbles off, leaving you to ponder the eccentric weather. Moments later, you hear the roar of a plane engine. You glance up, just in time to see Launchpad crash his plane into your front porch. The impact kills you, Launchpad, Huey, and Louie. Orphaned and abandoned, Dewey is forced into a life of crime, eventually getting a life sentence for double homicide.
You slam the vault door closed, locking Ma Beagle inside. After a quick call, the police arrive to arrest the lead Beagle. However, when the vault door opens, not only is she nowhere to be found, but all of your gold coins have disappeared! You've been swindled, and now you're the World's Poorest Duck. Eat a turd and die.
Setting the timer, you run for hours before the shockwave reaches you. Hurtling through the air, you see an atomic cloud the size of Texas in the distance. Returning to feast on Road Runner carcass, five black sedans screech in front of you. You get picked up by U.S. police. Due to your arms experiments, they make you Ambassador to Iran.
In an attempt to up your speed, you spend 14 days in a sleepless tweak binge. Just before you catch the Road Runner, all of your internal organs collapse.
Using all your might, you summon up the forces of generations. 'Solar Flare!' you scream, a huge burst of orange emanates from Peekaboo. Then, the orange light fades, Bob unshields his eyes, and is generally un-hurt. Come to think of it, your grandfather never was that great at Pokemon. Bob uses this opportunity to have his rattlesnake eat your Pokemon. Devastated, you quit the sport and become a bus station hermit.
'Well, I guess just one toke isn't going to hurt me,' you say, taking the joint from Pikachu. However, Pokemon joints contain heroin, and your huge drag stops your heart. This means that you die.
Wheeling your legs with all your might, you make it to the other side. The chase is on. The Road Runner has a distance advantage- disappearing puffs of dust are all you can see of him. Chasing down the highway at top speed, you come to a three-way fork in the road.
You push the button labeled, 'Danger!' The pogo stick blasts off into outer space. Right before you implode, your last thought is, 'I should've pushed that other button.'
Finding a high cliff, you erect the crossbow. Spotting the Road Runner far below and miles away, you put on your coke-bottle glasses and begin doing arithmetic. Sure of your calculations, you aim the crossbow accordingly, and pull it taut. Climbing inside, you lean forward.TWANG! The crossbow shoots you at an alarming speed towards the streaking blue dot.
As you get closer, it becomes obvious that your estimates were flawless- you are going to plow into the Road Runner right when you land. Just a dozen yards away, the Road Runner screeches to a halt- a family of lizards is crossing the road. You plow into the empty asphalt. A baby lizard pees on you. The Road Runner streaks over your flattened body and into the sunset.
You attempt to run past the border guard. However, the ten kilos of cocaine taped to your sides slows you down. The drug dogs tear you apart.
As you leap towards the rear-most bicyclist, you notice they have familiar skinny features and blue feathers. You pounce on the bicyclist-impersonating Road Runner, tearing them limb from limb.
You begin to bawl. Seeing this, Bob lets out a cruel laugh. 'Hissy-Rattle, Load Swallow!' Bob shrieks. Hissy-Rattle swallows Peekaboo whole. You can still see Peekaboo's outline as he writhes in the snake's belly.
You plow headfirst into Ma Beagle. Her soft, plump belly absorbs your head, rendering you immobile. The other Beagle Boys take this opportunity to beat you to death.
You jump into the line of Road Runners, teeth bared. However, Road Runner bouncers close in on you from all sides, then claw you to pieces.
'Gyro, you take the big guy, I'll take this little dog.' Before Gyro can squeak his disapproval, the fatter Beagle boy picks him up. Using Gyro as a weapon, the fat mutt beats you until both you and Gyro's skulls are bashed in.
'Fudge Bomber!' you cry. Peekaboo sails overhead, dropping brown waste all over the playing field, a huge glop hits Hissy-Rattle. Bob is grossed out, to say the least. 'Killer Fan,' is his reply. The rattler swings his tail around like a ceiling fan, repelling the poop back at Peekaboo!
The announcer cries, 'Oh, No! Peekaboo's covered in his own feca-boo!'
You're on the ropes, what next?
You sketch a giant black tunnel, adding a few perspective-drawn highway dashes for effect. The Road Runner runs through the hole and down the newly-painted tunnel.
You point to the dehydrated nightclub on the menu. The drive nods and hands you two small blue tablets.
'Pokemon, use Sleepy Time,' is your outburst. Peekaboo casts Sleepy Time on both himself and the Dragon. It only works on Peekaboo. The bored dragon flambes Peekaboo, then sinks curved teeth deep into Peekaboo's delicate flesh.
You start to paint, then gravity takes hold, you fall. During your last breaths, your only son stumbles upon your flayed and gross body. 'Avenge my death son,' you say. In the moments before you die, you realize that you have perpetuated the only thing in life that makes you unhappy.
Whipping out your flyswatter, as you like to call it, you begin chasing the bugs around the vault. Ma Beagle finds this quite amusing, right before she knifes you in the back of the head.
You stroll into the coliseum, faithful Peekaboo at your side. 'Ladies and Gentlemen!' the announcer zealously exclaims, 'Welcome to the only and championship match of the Grand Ultimate World Pokemon Championship! Today, we've got two top fighters, Ash vs. Bob.'
Hearing the name of your arch-rival brings a lump in your throat. But, you swallow it and maintain- you knew you'd have to face him in the championship, eventually. Bob steps into the ring, followed by an enormous rattlesnake Pokemon.
'What happened to Grizzlemissle?' you ask. 'I decided to go with more power, meet Hissy-Rattle' replies Bob, 'call it a last-minute switch.' This gives you hope, because the old gypsy mermaid who lived in the haunted oak forest told you that sticking with the Pokemon you know best is always a solid strategy. The announcer calls 'Go!' It's your move.
As you crest a hill, you see the Road Runner, standing still and facing you. Doubling your pace, a sickening sight rises into view behind the Road Runner- millions of Road Runners. As they pounce upon you and peck your flesh to torn bits, your last thought is that you should've simply jumped off the road to get away from them. Wow you're stupid.
'Peekaboo, use Rear intruder,' is your battle cry. Peekaboo turns his back to Hissy-Rattle and bends over, aiming. He begins glowing. 'What's going on?' you cry, knowingly. From the stands, a small boy in glasses cries out over the roar of the fans, 'in championship matches, you can super-dupe power up your Rear Intruder move once per full moon.' 'Ohhh, I remember the elvish den-mother mentioning that,' you reply.
Oh, no! As you pick up the blue pogo stick, you recall it's origin. You stole it from a group of antarctic ducks. It was their prized possession, as it was the only thing in the whole antarctic that was royal blue. The guilt over what you have done overwhelms you. Before you can think better of it, you put the pogo stick to your head and deploy the hydraulic-powered spring shaft into your temple.
As your vision fades and you bleed out from your crushed skull, your last thought is, 'wait a minute, I sold that antarctic pogo stick. This is just one I bought at Target.'
Wielding your cane, you creep behind Gyro down to the pantry. Peering around the corner, you are shocked at what you see. Two of the Beagle Boys, scarfing down on everything in sight. The fatter of the two Beagle Boys turns to his partner.
'Are you sure this is part of the plan?'
'Yes, it's exactly what the boss told us to do, keep eating,' is the sharp retort.
You donate all of your money to P.E.T.A. Sadly, this does not fill the void caused by you killing and eating your nephews, so you off yourself in shame.
Peering up at the pin reset device, you notice clearly that there is a dead corpse twisted around the gears. You've never seen a pin reset system, but you're fairly certain that the dead body does not belong there. Poking it with a stick dislodges the body, revealing the corpse of Donald Duck. No wonder you never heard from him, again, after he dropped his kids off on your doorstep and fled.
The shock of seeing the body, combined with the shock of the dislodged body falling directly on your ribcage is too much, you collapse and die.
You cut off-road, hoping to arrive ahead of the Road Runner (who always stays on the road, even when it's stupid.) The gamble pays off- you arrive at a point where the road ends abruptly at a mountain face. With just moments before the Road Runner arrives, you pull out your trusty paint brush and paint set. You quickly sketch a:
You spin the dial so it is set to 'hurricane.' Soon, fierce winds blow you and Gyro off of the roof. Flintheart takes refuge inside his plane, but you and gyro are swept away. The next day, you are found sticking through a tree, Gyro is found sticking through you.
You dash into the vault. Inside is Ma Beagle, carrying a large trunk. She sees you, smiles, and opens the trunk. Dozens of bugs fly out.
'Hah, you're too late. I've released the South American gold fly, One that feasts entirely on Gold! All of your riches will soon be devoured, then I'll blast out of here using my rocket pack! Hah!' Shrieks Ma Beagle.
'Cuddle up, Be the big spoon,' is your hopeless attempt at a commanding statement. Hopeless also describes Peekaboo's attempts to be a big anything when cuddled next to an enormous dragon. The dragon watches with amusement for a while, then burns Peekaboo to glowing scraps.
You carefully climb down off of the roof and stroll over to Flintheart. He invites you to sit, wisely he chooses a spot in the grass well away from Magica's bleeding corpse. 'It is far time you and I met,' starts Flintheart, 'I knew Magica could never seal the deal. A raincloud full of frogs? Seriously? The chick can shoot lightning from her hands, I seen it.'
'So,' you gasp, 'it was you who sent dirty Magica after me.'
'Yes, as you know, it is hard constantly living in the shadow of the World's Richest Duck. I have envied you my whole life, and its time for this thing to stop.'
'Aye,' you respond, 'you have been a threat to my family for too long, there is obviously only one way to settle this.
You lock eyes with Flintheart, he nods solemnly, then speaks.
'A super-goofy race around the world!'
You shout commands at Peekaboo, who responds to some of them. Whether his responses are due to your training or just dumb luck, you don't know. But you feel more experienced, so you stick with it.
Suddenly, another young Pokemon trainer, Bob, shows up at your knoll. 'Hello,' you say. 'Your Pokemon is inferior to mine,' retorts Bob, 'surely I will easily defeat you and win the tournament handily.' Bob strides off. You watch him go, the rage for Bob burning inside of you. One thing is clear, you will not let this transgression go unforgotten- Bob is now your mortal enemy, and you would rather die than watch him breathe.
'Not now,' you explain to Gyro, 'We've got to stop the frogs and we need your weather machine!' Gyro sighs, obviously displeased at being ignored and being forced to live in a shack despite a PhD in rocket science. 'This way,' he says, leading you to a broom closet. Opening the closet he produces a weather machine. You follow him up to the roof- the frog storm is even heavier up here. 'What weather should we set it to?' shouts Gyro.
'I quit!' you yell, then stride off towards the exit, planning your future career as a yacht salesman. With your back turned, you do not notice Hissy-Rattle rearing up and striking the back of your head. The poison leaves you instantly brain-dead and without the Yoyoma twice weekly Grand Ultimate World Championship crown.
You spend an hour diligently searching the side of the road, but he's nowhere to be found. You lost him, good going.
'No,' you say, 'A true Poke-master must show reserve and thoughtfulness.' Sadly, this allows Bob to exploit the little-known double-super-dupe reverse, causing your Pokemon to explode, butt-first.