Jesse McCartney

Quick, name a former boyband member who's still relevant (besides Lance Bass, of course)! Give up? Jesse McCartney, a guy who's nearly as unaware of the paparazzi as Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus.&&

It takes a special kind of person to make PARIS HILTON uncomfortable.

Hear that?  It's the sound of a thousand gay boners all springing up at once.

Just The Facts

  1. Former member of boyband Dream Street
  2. Has released four albums, each successfuly alienating fans of the last one
  3. Kicks his own ass daily for not pulling the "Jonas purity ring" trick when he had the chance
  4. Works under the delusion that most teenage girls are too dumb to notice the blatant sexual references in many of his songs

Cracked on Jesse McCartney

Jesse McCartney is one of only two singers to escape the blackhole that is membership in a boyband (although Justin Timberlake needs to put out another album soon or he'll become a victim too). Unlike JT however, Jesse has never grinded with Madonna or appeared on SNL to sing about various bodyparts in various packaging. So who's buying his music? Those people fall into three distinct groups:

1. Teenage girls who can't satisfy their cravings with just the JoBros.

2. Teenage boys who are "experimenting" but aren't ready to buy a Kelly Clarkson album yet.

3. Young adult males who are done experimenting and already have all of Kelly Clrakson's albums

NOTE: Kelly Clarkson may be replaced with Cher, Madonna or any europop band.

Jess has appeared on Hannah Montana, yet managed to avoid any positive rise in album sales or general popularity from this (a phenomenon scientests are still attempting to explain). It's generally believed he managed to avoid disapearing into obscurity like so many other boyband members by cleverly keeping one foot in the acting pool, starring the the Summerland series for it's (thankfully) short run.

Pictures

Good god, just try googling the name Jesse McCartney. Your computer is going to need a sedative to deal with the ten billion images about to pop up. From "candid" pictures carefully staged by his publicist, to actual candid pictures destroying his image of innocence to fans everywhere, to hundreds of wallpapers carefully photoshopped, there's something for everyone!

Jesse McCartney is also the subject of more voluntary softcore pedophelia pictures than any child star in history...

WARNING: VIEWING THE FOLLOWING MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE A BLUE DOT TO APPEAR ON YOUR HOUSE ON ANY NUMBER OF GOVERNMENT REGISTRIES

From the vaguely unsettling...

To the blatantly creepy...

Is it still ilegal if they're begging for it?

And now that he can legally shake his booty as naked as he wants to...

It's ok...we're all fantasizing about being that necklace.

Seriously, what's next? Full frontal nudity on the cover of the next album? John and Yoko already did that (bet that's not the Beatles reference you were expecting!). The girls who were impressed by his cuteness when he was 14 have now grown up and are more interested in Brad Pitt and Eric Bana. Which means Jesse is obviously still targeting the 14 year-old girls...and since he's now 22, that means he's become one of the creepy old men that once fondled themselves to his weird softcore child porn. He's come frull circle!

Collaborations

Jesse McCartney has somehow managed to convince not one, but two rap stars to collaborate with him for tracks on his album Departure: Recharged. The first, How Do you Sleep, features Ludacris...

Which does less to display how hardcore Jesse McCartney is, and more to show how much of a whore for the money Ludacris is.

The second is Body Language, which features T-Pain...