The Death Star
Just The Facts
- The Death Star was a moon-sized battle station built and controlled by the Galactic Empire in the Star Wars universe.
- It housed a laser capable of incinerating an entire planet in an instant.
- Realizing how undeniably badass it felt to threaten people with
- When they decided to build a second, larger Death Star after the first was destroyed, it became clear that this strategy was somewhat inelastic:
THE CRACKED TAKE
Life aboard the Death Star appears to have consisted mostly of walking purposefully down endless corridors, and not getting laid. There was very little culture to be found anywhere. However, working on The Death Star meant trading citizenship on your gay-sounding home planet (Tatooine? Seriously?) to live on something called The Death Star.
Despite it's enormous size, it was mobile, using a complex series of turbines located along its equator in order to propel it through space and rotate at will. Mobility was mostly utilized to ensure that its laser-eye was always photographed from the front, floating right side up.
The Empire knew what side its bread was buttered on (the one the made it look like a cyclopse).
If the Death Star could be said to have one weakness, it would have to be the unguarded, torpedo-shaped hole on the outside.
and the emperor said that it was all part of his plan i bet getting owned by care bears was also part of his plan
ReplyYa know, maybe if they put all their funding into a massive f*****g shield, as well as that neat laser beam, they might not have been brought low by a rebellion that was clearly funded by Lego in an elaborate time travelling scheme to boost their sales in the future. Oh and teddy bears.
ReplyThe second Death Star was destroyed by Goddamn Ewoks. Yep, the mighty Empire was brought low by f*****g Care Bears.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesStar Wars died the second those furry turds debuted onscreen.
The Ewoks didn't blow up the second Death Star, Lando and Wedge did. All the Ewoks did was help the assault team on Endor attack the shield generator so the Rebels could deactivate it.
...although why that needed to be done by blowing it up, and how the resulting explosion didn't burn down miles of forest in all directions I'll never know.
The shield generator needed to be blown up for one reason, and one reason only; George Lucas said it would look cool.
And becaus the not being a shield for the death star would be a huge m***********g plot hole
Ewoks exist because George Lucas ran out of ideas. If only someone had suggested that if your best ide is to end an otherwis bad ass trilogy with p***y ass carebares that look like something chewbacca shits, maybe you shouldn't make 3 more. Hayden Christiensen is the worst actor on the planet. Even worse than Nicholos cage. I though Jumper had had a decent concept and could have been good, then that whiney ass hole was in it and i sucked. Samuel Jackson should have done better too. Actually Mace Windu is the only cool charachter in the prequels, abd thats because his name is Mace, hes one of two black dudes in the entire f****n galaxy, and he ain't afraid to rock the purple lightsaber. Episode 3 would have been way better if Sam Jackson had just played his charachter from Pulp Fiction. He should have just shot the emporor and that p***y Anakin in the face. And even if he didn't Mace Windu who could have just stabbed Palpatine when he had him on the ground. But instead Anakin killed the one cool charachter in the prequels for Natalie Portman's p***y (although I can't blame him for that.) only to traumatize her so that she lost the will to live and died giving birth to Luke and Leia. To sum up my argument, Anakin is a douche, Mace Windu is a f****n badass and should not have died, Natalie Portman is hot.
the first death star was destroyed because of an opening the size of a womp rat, the second was destroyed because of an opening you could drive the milliunum falcon through!
Replythe millenium falcon sized hole wasn't a design flaw or another exhaust port. the death star was still under construction. in all fairness, as the empire thought, a ragtag group of freedom fighters and walking teddy bears wouldnt be a problem. Hell before the rebels came into the picture the ewoks didnt care for the empire presence. Vader knew the rebels were on that shuttle, so its his fault the second death star was blown to atoms.
yeah. all the contractors hadnt finished it yet.
Scifi ... to me...is more fun than science, i mean play some space video game where youre piloting a spaceship..ok well be at the battle in six months...however truth be wayyyy stranger than fiction..."shit be crazy" no doubt....oh & whats gay about "tatooine" lol....pick on Naboo ..................
Reply"Naw, I won't go for the boobs"
"Naw, not the boobs"
"Nawt the boobies"
"Naw boo'"
"Naboo"
I think that phrase is not gay in any way. What's wrong with Naboo?
No boobies? I think you proved richard's point.
the thing i love most about the death star is the fact that it killed the ewokes, no really think about it, what do you think would happen to earth if a "moon sized object" exploded above earth? within hours large chunks of the death star ( some miles across start raining down on endore and yada yad yada you see where this is going
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesare you trying to imply that in 2012 the deathstar's cloaking device will malfunction because some guy spilled his coffee, causing it to explode? ...
YES that is exactly what hes saying!! screw the mayan calendar! Its the death star thats gonna end the world!
Being killed by the Death Star is one death I would whole-heartedly accept and even welcome. I vote we pool the Earth's wealth, build one, and then f**k s**t up.
@srw: I am totally for being killed by the death star on ONE condition: I am EXACTLY at the epicenter of where the laser hits the planet, and get to flip everyone off immediately before hand, because I will have died the single most awesome death as compared to those around me....
didnt robot chicken joke about that in te second star wars special?
This kind of seems like it is incomplete. There's parts of it that seem to have been started and left unfinished.
ReplyI agree, it's also unusually short. otherwise the comedy is good.
What Does Inelastic Mean?
ReplyAn economic term used to describe the situation in which the supply and demand for a good are unaffected when the price of that good or service changes.
Funny, but I wish it was a little longer. Now excuse me, I have to go stride purposefully down a corridor now.
ReplyFlashpoint, you're an idiot, you may as well b***h about lightsabers not working. It's not real, dumbfuck.
ReplyOh man- if only George Lucas had known... man, he really should have checked his facts so he could make a scientifically accurate movie about FREAKING INTERPLANETARY WAR! If only Luke knew about the radiation...
Replywell, it's sci-fi... does "fiction" ring a bell to you?
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Dating minded? Cool!
Flashpoint - as a comment, a fail most epic, but seeing as it's on a site that just published an article about 7 superpowers that were ruined by science, you may have a future on the Cracked writing staff.
ReplySince no one has ever built a Fusion Reactor how the hell would you know how one reacts to being destabilized? Hydrogen Bombs are Fusion Reactions and they BLOW UP REAL GOOD. And Flashpoint is a stupid-ass TV Show (Though Amy Jo Johnson is STILL a babe)'' Flashpoint you're a Scientologist
ReplyOH YES OF COURSE FLASHPOINT! HOW COULD I NOT THINK OF THAT?! IT'S ALL SO CLEAR TO ME NOW THAT STARWARS DOESN'T AND CAN'T AND COULD NEVER EXIST IN REAL LIFE! THANKS!
Replyflashpoint... you're an idiot
Replyfirst of all, the amount of energy required to shatter a planet is astronomical and if it could be produced in a weapon, that weapon would kill all those nearby firing it due to radiation.
ReplySecondly, the Death Star should not have been so easy to destroy. Fusion reactors do not "go nuclear" if they are destabilized... Fission reactors melt down, but fusion reactors simply stop working. It takes alot of precise measurement to make a fusion reactor work.
I'll stick my neck out and agree. Our Fusion Reactors fail routinely. That is, in fact, all they can do at this point. They flash for a brief instant then fizzle out. Fusion constantly needs tending and power to remain running
f*ck, it's a movie, you're supposed to ENJOY it, or let others enjoy while you try to make complex theories about UFO sightings or something
Fortunately, machines like this invariably come with toggle switches that shut off the gravity, overload the engines, and make it blow up behind you as you're running/flying toward the camera.
ReplyWait... wasn't that picture on one of the photoshop contests?
Replyyes it was.. doesn't make it less funny