One Night Stands

Two of the most popular ways to reach orgasm are alone and with someone else. It was because no one likes to go it alone that the one night stand was invented. Before its introduction, people were forced to endure tedious courtships or fuck on the first date. The courtships involved expensive dinners, flowers and false confessions of love. Fucking on the first date meant you ran the risk of being labeled a slut or if you're a guy, a stud.

The one night stand skipped all the bullshit. It asked the question, "How 'bout we just fuck and call it good?" And people answered. It was an immediate hit among complete strangers and friends who'd had sexual tension building for years. As it happens, a one night stand is perfect for those who dislike the whole dating thing, but enjoy bungee-jumping with a frayed rope.

I need to test my penis and see if it still likes vaginas.

One night stands are popular because little emotion or passion is needed to get the ball rolling. All it requires is mild interest and slight horniness-the rest can be left to booze, drugs or boredom. In fact, the only difference between a one night stand and sex after 30 years of marriage is how you file your taxes at the end of the year.

A one night stand can be a reliever of stress, or a cause of it, or both at the same time. For example, a person might tell their friends how sexual the sex was the previous night, but this conversation is guaranteed to breakdown into a full scale panic attack when your friends inform you, while laughing at your expense, that her name is actually Brian (you're pretty sure he said Brianna), and "Dude! Didn't you think it was weird she had a ball sack?" You just thought she had a baggy vulva.

You'll never guess which one is the man.

The one night stand isn't always a complete nightmare. Sometimes you find out your partner has the sexual organ of your preference and that they are capable of pairing it up with yours for the pleasure experience of a nighttime!

A successful one night stand is one which isn't completely forgettable, but stays with you a little bit, right there in the back of your mind, where you forget it just enough so that when you remember it a shiver runs down your spine; sack of balls or not.

1. A one night stand must occur at night. Why do you think it's called a one NIGHT stand? If it happens during the day it's called an affair, even if both parties are single.
2. A one night stand does not count if it's with a family member. This is called "incest."
3. It can only happen once. More than that and it's a relationship.
4. Lights out! If you sober up in the middle of this thing you do not want to spoil the moment by seeing who you're banging. It's not always a guarantee she'll be face down in a pillow. For the ladies: it's not always guaranteed you'll be face down in a pillow.
5. Always bring a "morning after" pill. Quietly insert it into the vagina.
6. Or use protection-unless you have the money for an abortion.
7. Seriously, use protection unless you enjoy weird discharges.

To start a one night stand, show up at a party, chug a few beers and start copping feels. Eventually, you'll find a girl who has downed a couple of wine coolers and is using the pseudo-buzz as an excuse to act flirtatious and daring. This is the same girl who wears shirts with short stories written across the chest; she'll bitch about people not making eye-contact, but secretly she wants people to stare at her tits because they stand out far more than her personality.

Don't waste time worrying about her looks. If you've timed the intake of your alcohol correctly, she should look like a blur with a vagina. This is called beer goggles and it's a self-defense mechanism and the number one reason to believe in evolution over intelligent design. There's no way a divine creator would've been nice enough to grant you the ability to blur your vision of the swamp rat you're about to violate. Don't kid yourself either; you're never going to have a one night stand with a hot chick. That's called date rape and it's a whole other topic.

Keep drinking. It'll get better.

You'll more than likely end up in a back bedroom or the back seat of car, or somewhere equally classy. Even drunk you should note two things: emergency exits and trashcans. The exits will come in handy the next morning, when it will feel like a dire emergency to get the hell out of that room because you're pretty sure your date has morning wood. Note the trashcans because at all costs, you'll want to avoid throwing up on her. Most girls aren't into this and honestly, you don't want to risk getting the one that is.

If you wake up and your date is gone, thank your lucky stars. You avoided seeing her in clear morning light. Not only can you sleep a couple of extra hours, but you can rest easily pretending she was a knock-out, even though the facial impression in the pillow next to you tells a different tale.

If your date is still beside you DO NOT look at her. This is like making eye contact with Medusa. You have two options at this point: run like Forrest or pretend to be asleep until she leaves. Running is the best option. She may also be pretending to sleep. If she is, you're risking an awkward conversation about calling each other or what a great time you had last night. You don't even know how the time was last night. All you know is that the condom is still on and the spillover has glued your sack to your inner thigh.

Somehow, if you end up having breakfast with her, you've turned the whole thing into a backwards date. Then you deserve what you get, balls and all.

Is this how I used my heterosexuality?

See that idiot walking toward you, stumbling over his feet like a new born calf? Don't roll your eyes like that. You're desperate and at the same party he is, so you have no right to be judgmental. When he gets a little closer, position yourself to bump into him. Now that he's done that, you're basically friends. Just ask if he wants to go somewhere private. He's going to nod twice and slobber. That means it's go time.

Once you're in private, note two things: the emergency exits and the light switch. You'll need the exits for the same reason he does. The light switch will come in handy if you need to stop the action. It's like pulling back the curtain at a Copperfield show, or finding your parents naked and still connected at the pelvis under the tree on Christmas morning: all the magic is lost.

Make sure adequate protection is involved and then cut the lights. Hope to hell he goes downstairs because that's pretty much your only chance to get yours. Although necessary, a condom is going to make him feel like the heaviest, most boring dildo ever and you'll probably wake up the next morning feeling like someone punched you in crotch repeatedly, which is pretty much what happened.

Some of this. All. Night. Looooong.

If you wake up before he does, which is very likely, sprint away. You're probably lighter and more graceful than he is; also less hung over. You only had a couple of wine coolers. Those are to alcohol what a cap gun is to an assault rifle. You should be able to get out of there without making a sound. Don't stick around to be disappointed because he's not Prince Charming. He's probably not even a court jester. Just go.

If you both wake up at the same time, it does not mean you're meant to be together. What it means is that fate it fucking with both of you. Yes, it's cruel, but it's funny as hell for people who are not you.

While it's best not to get too fancy, feel free to experiment. This is a one night stand after all. Watersports, snowballing and teabagging can be enjoyable experiences for two people who never have to see each other again. Be vocal. Ask for that Rusty Trombone or that Cleveland Steamer. The worst that can happen is someone turns the lights on, which would probably be for the best anyway.