Seducing Men

How to seduce men? That's the everlasting question that all women are asking themselves, the mirror, animals or sharp objects. So, I thought I should give tips to the ladies out there that want to open a can of fat-free-Seduction whoop-ass on males.

Yeah, first thing Bruce Willis: Seduction is not supposed to be that creepy, you stalker !

Just The Facts

  1. We, men, don't really need to be seduced.
  2. Most of the time, when you're trying to do it, we are totally oblivious of it.
  3. And when you're not doing it, we most of the time, think you are.

The Art of Seduction (au Masculin)

Let's begin with the basics.

 If, you are trying to seduce a man, you should know that candles, sweet music and dead rodents ARE NOT a part in this.

I can't keep him out of my head when I think about dead rodents

I can't keep him out of my head when I think about dead rodents.

In fact, everybody knows that "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" (and I'm not talking about you stabbing your man with a ginsu knife or a spear through the stomach, just to be clear), so, learn to cook. Invite your man to a fancy dinner that doesn't necessarily consist of Sidekick noodles & Pizza Pockets, listen to what he has to say (even if he only talks about bigfoot trucks and how much weight he can bench) THEN, you can do your move.

 And yes, I'm talking about hitting him on the head with a shovel and raping his unconscious body.


It should look like this.

 When you're done with the french kissing, he'll wake up a bit disoriented. You can give him your hand (oh, how romantic!) to help him up from the floor. He'll probably have some difficulty to stand up, since his knees are weak (that's love!). He'll look at you straight in the eyes, plunging into your cold-icy stare of psychopathic love and say to you...

 Don't let him talk ! That's the important part. If you let him talk, he'll probably never stop. Starting to make the situation really awkward for you, wondering how he fell on the floor, why he doesn't have pants anymore and then thinking about calling the police or something... So, yeah, duct tape is good (thank you for the suggestion, hot lady in the front row), but interrupting him is better.

 So, yeah, if you do all of this.  You have seduced a man.

Seduction on a day-to-day basis

If you already have a man,

(Let's hope it's not him)

then, you can continue and try to have him love you on a day-to-day basis. 

"And How would I do that, Mr. Genius ?", you'll ask me loudly while kicking me in the crotch gently.  Well, there's some tricks to do just exactly that. 

 The First important thing to know is that men hate repetition.  They hate repetition.  They hate repetition soooooo much !.  So, try to surprise your insignificant otter (or is it "significant other", I can't ever remember after having drank 22 shots of windshield washer) by doing the unexpected.  For exemple, put you best looking lingerie and wait for him to come back from work while snorting yogurt.  He won't be expecting that, believe me ! 

 Another tip to keep your relationship going and have some seduction "au quotidien" is to be interested in what he likes.  Men looooves that.  So, if he's a burger-flipping taxidermist, you could bring him dead rodents (oops, I told you to not use that but in that case, it could be great) and cook him some dead-meat burgers.  Or if he's a formula one driver, you could go real fast with your car while swerving to miss the pedestrians...  you know, anything to make him see a side of you he didn't thought existed.

Well, now that you know everything there is to know about seducing men (I know, there's not much but we are not complicated creatures like you sweety-pie), crack your whip, go ahead and seduce the pants out of the man of you dreams !