The following is an excerpt from Webster's Dictionary: "ex-girlfriend: noun. Bitch who broke your heart; or gave you gonorrhea; or that chick you replaced with another woman."

Just The Facts

  1. Ex-girlfriends come in all races, ages, shapes, and sizes. The one thing they have in common is that they no longer have to deal with your lazy ass.
  2. Many men try to keep up the whole "friends with benefits" concept when the ex is hot but has a total lack of personality. Unfortunately, this often results in hurt feelings and an extra STD.
  3. You will have at least one friend/relative/co-worker tell you at some point that their breakup was "totally mutual". Whoever they are, they are lying.

If you are the dumped...

So, you've been dumped by your now ex-girlfriend. What to do? This was the chick you were gonna marry... or at least string along until you found someone hotter.

Most men react to being dumped in one of the following ways:

1) Celebrating with buddies at the local bar, picking up a stranger, and waking up the next morning with a huge hangover and bodily fluids glued to most of your limbs.

2) Shrugging it off, and going on with life as usual, just trying to forget about it.

3) Shrugging it off, and going back to WoW. Come on- your guild needs you, and let's face it- "she" was really only getting in the way of what's really important.

No matter what your approach, remember this: take time to find yourself, and while it's natural to question yourself as to why the relationship failed, just remember: there's tons of chicks out there with low self-esteem and large bra sizes. No matter how butt-ugly you are, you'll find a new woman.

Case in point, and there's millions of similar examples.

If you are the dumper...

Congratulations! Whew, you surely dodged a bullet getting rid of her. All that talking and sharing of feelings and blah blah blah... it's enough to make you punch yourself in the balls just to break the boredom of it all.

Now that you are newly single, what's a man to do? Here's the top 3 things men do just after they break up with a woman:

1) Start openly, officially dating the other woman they've been fucking for months.

2) Pick up a random woman, sleep with her, and then spending the next week avoiding her texts until she finally gets the hint and fucks off.

3) Picking up right where they left off with the Palm-ela twins. Or, if you're a fancy rich boy, a Fleshlight.

As you can see, men always have a plan after breaking up with their exes. Sex is always a good plan, am I right? No way that'll come back to bite you in the ass.

Yeah, eveything's gonna be just fine.