Roommates

Roommates: they are forced on you in college and may be necessary to help cut down the rent even as an adult. What kinds are out there? Which is the right one for you?&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('

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Just The Facts

  1. No matter how well you might like a roommate at first it is guaranteed you will hate each other within a year
  2. They will frequently have to postdate checks or ask you to front their rent for a week. If you ever request the same favor be prepared to hear about it for the rest of your natural life.
  3. Don't room with your friends if you value them at all.

The Purpose of Roommates

In college the school you go to may argue that forcing you to be with roommates is to help teach you vital social skills. The reality is just that they want to cram as many students together to maximize tuitions being paid (plus they hit you up for all the various living costs). If you're insanely lucky (or have a relative on the college board of trustees) you might end up with a single and never have to deal with any of this while pursuing sex and booze a higher education.

So outside of college why do it? Simple, you're broke and with too much self respect to move back in with your parents. You tell yourself it's self respect at any rate. More likely you've picked up some nasty habbits, hobbies and interests that your parents wouldn't put up with and you are loath to give up. So up goes the "roommates wanted" ad on Craigslist. Or perhaps if you feel you have too many friends you simply get one of them to move in with you. Given that you'll want to kill them by the time the lease comes up for renewal it's best to avoid this tactic unless you have friends to spare.

So the ad has been responded to and in a desperate attempt to not be late on the rent for once you've accepted the first person who was prepared to write a check immediately. So what have you ended up with? Well roommates come in a many varieties, all with their own unique quirks. Below you will find some of the most prevailant forms of roommate. This article is subject to amendment and addition as new species are uncovered. Despite the below citations describing the male versions of each breed of Roommate there is a female equivalent to each and for the most part the same characteristics apply.

The Party Animal

Nobody tell him that the beer ran out and we started using the keg as a urinal.

This breed of roommate can be fun in college but once unleashed in the real world destruction follows in his wake. He treats every night like it's Friday night. Any beverage that contains no alcohol is "pussy stuff." The Party Animal is the life of the party and he's just as happy to go out and find a party as he is to throw one. Beware of the latter scenario as there may be very little of the apartment left by the following morning. He will go to great lengths to try to convert any "boring" people to his partying life style. He's known for his aggressive pursuit of females and his hatred of "sausage fests" but almost never achieves mating. He's frequently too drunk to be appealing and even on the few females who would have him, alcohol has rendered him unable to fully perform.

Cleanliness is not the chief concern of the Party Animal. He's more likely to febreeze his clothes than actually clean them and empty beer cans will become a mainstay feature of the apartment. He lives off of either instant or delivered food and leaves the boxes around. The only time he will clean the apartment is if he decides to host a party. But even in that case "cleaning" will mean sweeping the beer cans under a mattress or into a closet.

Financially this isn't the worst roommate out there. The Party Animal is not as careless with money and many would suspect. He carefully balances his budget to cover both rent and beer/liquor/absinthe. However he fails to set money aside to cover whatever damage he will wreak at the height of his drunken stupor. There's also always the risk that he will be fired from his day job by coming in hung over too many times.

The Douche Bag

'Sup Brah?

He spends more money on hair product than food. He's at the gym more than he's at his job. He thinks he's gods gift to women and for some unknown reason reality isn't bitchslapping him over that. He drinks mixed drinks, wears the latest fashions right down to the underwear and is frequently man-crushing on Vin Diesel. Meet the Douche Bag.

Douche Bags tend to travel in packs, so if you allow one in you will soon find his Douche Bag friends have invaded any and all free space. Douche Bags are notorious mooches, with no respect for the property of others while being viciously territorial of their own possessions. They also tend try to convert others, and will start subtle, suggesting tattoo designs or hair product. You must resist because it's a short leap to fake tans and using mascara to make your facial hair look darker.

Douche Bags will usually need to be reminded that rent is due. They are too busy watching the world revolve around them to pay attention to such things on their own.

The Uber-Geek

And then Aragon takes his head off. SPLAT!

The Uber-Geek is well meaning and often good hearted. However he's the social equivalent of a train wreck, and despite what you may have seen on TV there's no converting him and making him "cool." The saddest thing is that he truly believes that he is "cool" and will debate at great length the merrits of his geeky interests.

Expect the armies of action figures (more than a few of overly endowed anime catgirls), fantasy posters, Dungeons and Dragons reference books, Magic: The Gathering cards, and stacks of comic books to spill from his room and into the common area in fairly short order. He will adorn his wall with decorative reproductions of swords from his favorite fantasy films. But more than this the Uber-Geek will regail you exhaustively with the history of every fictional character to ever had even looked at said weapon if you give him the chance. Never look at an Uber-Geek's possession and ask "what's this" or say "this is kinda cool." Many good people have been bored to the point of jumping out of the nearest window at the geekings that were spewed forth following such exchanges.

Uber-geeks are generally reliable on rent except during convention season. During this time his priorities will shift and he'll decide that rent can wait but he needs that $300 chainmail shirt to complete his cosplay outfit.

The "BFF"

Um.... this is starting to get awkward.

Desperate for a connect the "BFF" fixates upon you and worms into your life more than any roommate should. He will adopt your style, shop where you shop, hang out with your friends, all under the guise of you being his "best friend forever." The reality is much sadder, and that is simply with no descernable personality of his own the BFF will attempt to absorb yours.

Much like a leech he will want to do everything with you. If you plan to leave the apartment it is advised that you do so quietly otherwise the BFF will ask where you're going and then tag along no matter what. You could say "we're going to go down the dump to find the most interesting used hypodermic needles" and his response would be "let me grab my coat."

Financially things will be fine for while. But if his rent is ever late and you talk to him about that expect a massive guilt trip over how "our friendship should mean more to you than money."

The Stoner

Duuuuuuuuuuude.

This roommate is known to be the least realiable when it comes to rent. Excessive purchasing of recreational drugs has drained his income. And use of those drugs has thrown off his sense of time to vital details such as going to work or when the rent it due.

Rooming with a Stoner will result in the appearance of "glass art" and blacklight posters that start in the Stoner's room but are soon all over the apartment. The smell of what he will insist is "incense" will frequently waft from his room. He will start to invite his friends over to listen to so "really hot jams." Never accept an offer of brownies from a Stoner as it is intented to turn you into one of his own kind.

The Potential Serial Killer

I asked Santa for the power to kill people with my mind.

The value of the Potential Serial Killer is a matter of much debate. Being that he usually will keep to himself and pays rent on time (unless he's been fired for dumping scalding coffee on his boss' head) some find his presence tolerable enough and even desirable as a roommate. However for others the creepiness will build to the point where they cannot sleep soundly for fear that he will sniff their toe nail clippings to acquire their scent.

Like the Uber-Geek the Potential Serial Killer has a weapons collection. However unlike the Uber-Geek this one is kept sharp and isn't made up of recreations from fantasy films. Ninja stars and knives are the preferred toys of this roommate. He may work out in his room. Given his avoidance of crowds he will forgo gyms but he may do pushups and lift weights in the apartment. If he does it will usually be done with no shirt on. Dispite his efforts the Potential Serial Killer will never truly get into shape, adding to his general frustration with the world.

This is probably the least seen of the roommates. He tends to stay in his room watching obscure but violent films and surfing porn. Whether or not he actually feels pleasure in his pornographic viewings is unclear as it seems to be a compulsion rather than a means to an end.

The Activist

Ban all fun! Ban all fun! Ban all fun!

Vegan, socialist, PETA member, alternative energy advocate, and equal rights nazi. This breed of roommate is particularly sneaky because under the guise of tolerance they are easily the most intolerant of all roommates. Any ingestion of meat or non-organic fruit will send the Activist on a tirade about how you are killing the world with what you just ate.

The presence of an Activist is marked by homemade protest posters and pamphlets littering the common area. Any form of entertainment (movies, video games, hookers, etc) will be sneered upon and put down as "social anethesia" (requests for a clear definition of this term will be met with icey stares). Expect severe BO due to the use of "all natural" deoderants.

Every weekend (if not every day) the Activist is handing out flyers or attending a protest rally. Protesting worker's wages, wars, fur and the use of the word "jimmies" to describe chocolate sprinkles. Usually reliable about rent until he decides that withholding rent from "the man" is a form of civil disobedience.

The Good Roommate (Mythical Creature)

I did the dishes, took out the trash and cookies will be out of the oven in five minutes.

Details on this rumored roommate are scarce since his existance has never actually been proven. He is said to be neat, tidy, polite, fun to be around but not overbearing and able to give proper space, and never late with rent. The famous footprints of the Good Roommate were proven to be a hoax when it was realized that a truly good roommate would have cleaned the prints up after himself.