Vice City

Take all of your naughtiest desires and transform them to a pink-themed pixelated city…what you get is a small group of isolated islands, where all your Vices come through a rolled up 100 dollar bill and out the barrel of TECH-9 machine gun.

Just The Facts

  1. Vice City was a break from boring old urban Liberty City and its Communist regime.
  2. Was the first game in the franchise to feature fully functional flying vehicles other than the premature ejaculation known as the Red Dodo.
  3. Makes everyone want the latest model of big brick cell-phones.

A history lesson on good drugs & video games to play them on

Rockstar Games were probably at the peak of their coke habits when they thought of the awesome successor for their highly controversial Grand Theft Auto: III - I mean it's almost like the whole GTA series is a weird Tarantino movie, jumping in and out of chronological order all the time or something stupid.

Now way back in early 80's, Cocaine was fucking in with the kids! Around that time everyone started to hate Heroin because it was a dirty old brown street drug that just made people fall asleep in a euphoric orgasm for hours on end. You could be a bum and get good scag. Coke on the other hand was white, pure and you could just stuff it up ya nose and go water-skiing all day. The main thing was that you had to be RICH to purchase cocaine in the beginning.

Then jump forward to the mid-90's and the opposite effect was happing: coke had been abused and under such DEA scrutiny for so long that it became the new drug bastard child...and all of a sudden heroin was back in! Don't worry, everyone was still smoking weed amongst the highs and lows of the non-pussy shit.

Downloading into the early 2000's, Rockstar said "fuck it, lets bring coke back - it's been long enough" and within a short span of some years, Vice City was brewed up after many "meetings' which were actually big dope parties for weeks on end including bad Hawaiian shirts and all the other crap that ended up in the game.

The virtual plot thickens

From the start of the game, the Mafia are kicking it in Liberty City scheming ways to make their organization stronger, richer and all the other things those fellas are on the hustle for. They decide to start a drug ring operation in a place known only as Vice City and the lucky solider for this shenanigans is recently released from jail, bad cyan-hawaiian-shirt wearing fuck up, Tommy Vercetti.

So down south Tommy goes meeting his frazzled accomplice Ken Rosenberg and do the first thing any intelligent criminals would do: set up a drug deal at the local docks with a bunch of dodgy Colombians who actually arrive by helicopter. Of course like any exchange with Colombian criminals, some meanies ambush the meeting, kill everyone except Tommy & Ken...then steal the drugs and money! Probably just for fun too the little bastards.

Tommy, who is right up shit creek tells Mafiosi Don, Sonny, that'll he'll somehow get the money & dope back then FedEx the dicks of those responsible straight afterwards.

"..No Sonny...I don't have the money!"

Basically, the perfect recipe for daylight gunshots and the occasional rape.

The Totally Original Production

Now if you've been watching crap like Transformers & The Hills, you should probably go suck on the end of a fire hose at full-bore for an hour or so. If you haven't, then you may have seen the movies & TV shows which inspired this fantasy city of sexy espionage.

Scarface, a 1983 film by Brian De Palma, made cinematic history as everyone who watched it started to talk like Tony Montana for a while until they realized they just sounded stupid. Elements of this film were heavily incorporated into Vice City, from the obvious Starfish Island Mansion to the Easter-egg'd bloody bathroom chainsaw scene (which everyone swears they found first, even before the guy who put it on You Tube, first)

"Continuality: A++"

Carlito's Way, a 1994 film also made by ole De Palma, featured Al Pachino yet again as a gangster...yet again. It's main reference inspired the coked up lawyer Ken Rosenberg (played by Sean Penn in the movie) who actually tried to audition for the voice acting role but was ultimately denied because he was still hooked on coke and unwilling to share it with the recording guys, or any of the R* staff for that matter.

"WE'RE MAKING A GAME SET IN THE 80'S!?!? I'M SO IN"

"WE'RE MAKING A GAME SET IN THE 80'S!?!? I'M SO IN"

Miami Vice: Before telly producers started adding the words "CSI" after every show, there was a crime series that ran longer than anyone wanted it to...and it got into the game somehow as well. If the player got a "wanted level" of 3 stars or more an undercover sports car joins the pursuit and the officers driving it have a striking resemblance to Crockett and Tubbs from the original Miami Vice TV series. They too auditioned for the appropriate voice roles but were also turned down for crimes against television.

"All bases covered for a lonely night in"

The game features heaps of other voices submerged in a celebrity status such as actor Dennis Hopper, as a Porno Director and pornstar Jenna Jamson, as a pornstar (hmmm). Not to mention Ray Liotta from the good old gangster flick Goodfellas as virtual protagonist Tommy, but yall knew that right?

"Moisturiser not included"

The actual real production of this video game involved programmers programming for ages, designers designing for ages and executive produces spending the profit of GTA: III on Miami-based beach houses near Latin minorities to do "important research". Apparently during this research they couldn't be reached via phone or e-mail and some still live there, trying to chase that American-Colombian dream one line at a time.

The Generation X Ear-Sechs

What Rockstar Games realized is that to make killing Cuban prostitutes more fun than it already is...is to kill Cuban prostitutes while listening to Michael Jackson.

"WARNING: Contains lots of long strolls"

Although their previous Grand Thefts had pretty decent radio stations, Vice City set a new level of nodding your head back and forth while doing donuts at the golf course. The radios also had newer and stupider radio adverts than everer.

Now when it comes to music, everyone's asshole starts quivering like a rabbits pink shiny nose. Some fuckwit murdered John Lennon yet Lady Gaga still continues to put out albums. See? So without being biased whatsoever (hmmm) I got smashed and picked three songs out of the original 10 off my list that made this game an audio sex machine. But it was the DJ's behind the stations that made you think this shit was real.

The Buggles - "Video Killed the Radio Star"

Genre: Synthpop/New Wave
Station: Flash FM
DJ: Toni

I like to think that Toni is hot like Lara Croft kind of thing, even though you never see in the game. She sounds hot at least. Also she might be more doped up than the creators. This particular song made all the other 80's gimmicks in Vice make total sense, like Degenatron with its flying red square monkey jizz.


Quiet Riot - "Cum on Feel the Noize"

Genre: Hard rock, Glam rock
Station: V-Rock
DJ: Lazlow

That blabber mouth Lazlow won't shut the fuck up in any of the series, V-Rock being no exception as he tries to give out V-Rock bumper stickers for everyone to slap on their Bobcat. This song suits running over people at the beach when you get really drunk and find yourself playing video games for very, very sad reasons.

Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five - "The Message"

Genre: Old school hip hop, Political hip hop
Station: Wildstyle Pirate Radio
DJ: Mr. Magic

Mr. Magic seems like one of those smiley black guys you always wanna be around who'd claim he invented break dancing or carjacking. He'd make getting stoned and having hour long police chases totally worth the bust at the end. This track is obviously amazing even if you hate rap and don't understand the words political hip hop.

Crudtical Reception

Vice City did what most other GTA games did, make some fucker go apeshit and shoot up the place until they had a significant wanted level: only then were they either busted or wasted...or both.

Except when they got busted, they found out "no re-spawning" the hard way...and getting wasted was pretty shitty in hindsight too. That's the miracle of hindsight.

In 2005, 17 year old Devin Moore was being questioned by Police about a stolen car in Alabama. Realizing he was driving that stolen car, subconscious messages from excessive Vice City sessions taught him something he never thought he'd actually do. Using his newly acquired animal instincts, he snatched an offices gun out of its holster then shot & and killed 2 cops and a police dispatcher.

He then proceeded to do the funniest thing in Vice City ever: steal the cop car and drive around with the sirens on.

Lucky for all us sane folk, he was eventually captured and constrained the American way (to a bloody pulp). After being hauled in, he packed a sad and blamed everything on Vice like a little bitch. Then Devin had a very short meeting with Capital punishment, which apparently went very well. But a smelly stigma had been spilt all over Vice City and Jack Thomson got a major boner again for the first time since GTA: III.

"That 2 week stubble isn't fooling anyone you big girl"

Jack Thomson, aka "I'm gonna ruin it for everyone" has been fighting everything good because he's old and lonely. From Rap music to R* games, Vice City was no exception.

After playing the game for 2 weeks straight, it reminded him of being young and free again, so he let loose for another 2 weeks except this time with an ounce of coke and some hookers. Reality set back in soon after, and he figured the best way to become an ultimate bastard was to catch a retail store selling Vice City to someone underage.

The plan in motion, he removed his spy camera from the local public toilets and recorded his own 10 year old son walking into Best Buy and buying the game no strings attached.

"Traumatised son of boring father"

In one swift move, he'd stabbed Rockstar Games right in the heart...but they were like "fuck it, not our problem" and followed the best possible solution: make fun of Jack on their website. Jack did however finally accomplish something in his "let's re-read the bible again" life of his, which was doing the thing he does best: suing :(

Best Buy now enforces identification checks for anyone who looks like they might have fun playing video games.

The general reception for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was overall positive, because everyone in this fucked up world loves doing one thing and one thing only: killing things. Even more, killing things back in the 80's was more fun because no one knew what DNA was, so you could squeeze a rape in too.