Online Dating

Online Dating is a type of Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game (MMORPG) in which players compete for real-world dates with other losers.

Just The Facts

  1. If you use or are thinking about using online dating, then you are in fact a loser.
  2. 75% of men on these sites are using them only to get laid.
  3. The remaining 25% of men are pussies.

How the Game is Played

Though each game is different, there are several steps common to all Online Dating services.

  1. Create an Avatar - Players create an avatar by using one of several methods. Typically, a gamer will choose a picture of him or her self that is at least three years old. The photograph will be taken from an absurd angle that hides the person's most prominent defect and highlights his or her best feature. In extreme cases, the image used may be the player's younger sister.
  2. Create a Profile - Although the selection of a good avatar makes this step almost entirely irrelevant, most players complete it anyway, if only as an exercise for the imagination. The profile represents the player's imagined version of themselves.
  3. Communicate with Others - It is much easier to talk with the opposite sex using online dating. A gamer need not include challenges such as eye contact or an interesting conversation.

To win, it is generally accepted that you and your partner get invited to appear in a commercial for the site you met each other on.

Things to Avoid

  • Never mention a child, implicitly or explicitly. (E.g., "I love playing with Hannah after school and helping her with her homework.") If a child must be mentioned, it is essential that the player explicitly deny ownership of the child ("I love playing with Hannah (my niece) after school"), else you may be disqaulified from the game.
  • Avoid negativity. Don't write "I am a racist xenophobe who sees the worst in humanity and has a deep sistrust of basic logic." Instead, try saying the same thing in a positive way: "I am such a huge fan of Bill O'Reilly!"
    I hate blacks, Jews and foreigners, and have a deep distrust of basic logic.
  • Avoid lists. Many sites ask you to list examples of your favorite pop culture titles (books, movies, bands, list-based comedy websites, etc.) Don't do it. You are far more likely to be discounted by someone with an over-developed sense of taste that you are to be selected for breeding. To put it another way, the odds that you'll be deleted for your (totally ironic, we know) love of "Weird Al" Yankovic are significantly higher than the odds that you'll get laid for it.
    You'd be surprised how many times cute girls have not responded to us simply because we admitted to liking Vanilla Ice.
    Yes, that was the reason.
    We just know, ok?
    Leave us alone! We hate you!