Kittens

No matter who you are-- men, women, children, women-- there's no better way to calm down from stresses of life than a picture of a cute animal. Stars of the internet, alleys, the homes of many deranged old ladies. Of course we're talking about this..

It ate a whole family of helpless, little mice this morning.
It ate a whole family of helpless, little mice this morning.

Just The Facts

  1. Statistically, cats are America's second most loved and kept pet, behind its mortal enemy, the dog. They would have been first if it weren't for the fact they attempted to rig the statistics by ripping up the fish-- who came a close third.
  2. Cats have been loved for centuries in many cultures. In ancient Egypt, they worshipped cats as they believed they were a decendant of the Egyptian gods. Cats still hold this mindset to this day that they should be treated like royalty, and many homes conform to this demand for respect. Except China.
  3. On YouTube, the only comment sections which are nearly completely free of flame wars and trolls are home-made videos of newborn kittens.
  4. "Lolcats"-- pictures of cats with grammatically incorrect captions-- are probably the only internet meme which your grandmother knows about.
  5. Female cats will never get to experience the joys of pleasurable sex, as male cats have spiky dicks. Seriously.

Cats: An Overview

The cat is a member of the feline species, and the one which you are probably most familiar with, and the one many people keep in their homes as pets, is called the house cat. People who own cats which aren't the house cat are called 'cat tamers', or alternatively, 'batshit fucking insane'.

Batshit. Fucking. Insane.

Batshit. Fucking. Insane.

Humans first got the idea that keeping cats would be a good idea back in ancient times, when it was found that they were excellent hunters of many kinds of vermin. Too bad that the English forgot about that fact back in the 1300's when the Black Death hit England, in which they slaughtered many cats because they were believed to be spreading and carrying the plague, when in reality it was the rats, who just multiplied and spread the disease more with their main predators out of the question. Those silly English.

Anatomically, cats are four-legged mammals and have a few defining features:

  • Pointy ears, which they can move independantly of each other, much like many destructive and deadly aliens in science fiction movies.
  • Feet which make up an entire fucking half of their leg, walking on only their toes to minimize noise. They do this so they can spend less time thinking about being quiet when stalking something, and can focus on their plan to attack and destroy the couch.
  • Claws which they retract inside of their feet when not needed, which is almost never.
  • Super-strength night vision, and decreased daylight vision, to reflect their awakeness patterns and their habit of staring at you while you sleep.
  • Soft fur to attract victims, women, and small children.

House cats are mostly domesticated; but some cats, called feral cats, are not. You can usually find them in cities hissing at everyone they pass, and generally looking like a homeless man on crack.

A feral cat.

I mean, more crack.

Cats' Effects on Humans

  • According to a reliable scientific source, a human's proximity to a cat directly relates to their stupidity level. As the internet has proved again and again, this is a completely true statement.
  • Cats have been known to change even the most self-loathing, keyboard-mashing, joykilling people into smiling, peaceful people. The internet as a whole is filled with cat pictures, cat videos, cat lovers and catgirls.

Oh, those Japanese.

  • Opening your e-mail Inbox at any moment of time, you are a possible target for an internet forward from a coworker, a family member, a girlfriend, or that guy at the bar last night which contains pictures of cats and funny captions. Chances are, you won't get tired of them, because they're cats. This is also why people keep forwarding them to you.
  • Internet group Anonymous' favourite animal is the cat. For people who sit around on the computer making racial slurs and nerdy comments all day, Anonymous doesn't take kindly to people abusing cats and has been known to attack them.
  • If you happen to take your girlfriend to the pet store at any given point in time, she will most likely refuse to leave the store without a kitten in her arms. You've been warned.

The YouTube Theorem

Even the most dangerous, filthy, and lethal corners of the Internet are a safe haven-- if dumber-- when there is a kitten involved. To test this, let's try out a little experiment.

Video: Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - Launch Trailer (HD)

Notable Offensive Comments:

"this is a crap game the worst i spent 40 pounds on this shity game fuck it dont buy it" - talhagx

"xplay SUCKS they rated this A 2 OUT OF FUCKING 5!!!!!!" - firringsquad14

"i hope u fuking die a slow pianful death by diarrhea after u get butt fuked by 32 fags. asshole" - austinhh13

"ik heb hem al uit gelspeeld" - rjekh

--

Video: Munchkin Cat (DISCLAIMER: Will cause diabetes. Cracked.com is not liable for any damages caused by watching this video, including but not limited to eye twitching, trembling, brain hemmorhagging or uncontrollable outbursts of "AWWWW". Watch at your own discretion.)

Notable Offensive Comments:

"Nice Cat... but it's MUTANT..." - tom23pl

"(some comment which is flagged as spam and not viewable with 26 thumbsdown ranks)" - skaterjam1

"thats the stupedist dog ive ever seen" - death1x

"THATS A CAT U RETARD" - ducttapemastah1337

Success!