Big Foot

Bigfoot is an alleged ape-like creature living in the Pacific Northwest. Described as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid it is likely the illigitimate love child of Stuttering John Melendez and Chewbacca.

Aaaaah! Bigfoot!

Just The Facts

  1. In 1951 Eric Shipton took what is believed to be the first photograph of a Bigfoot footprint - his photos of BigFoot's ass print did not receive as much recognition at the time.
  2. Bigfoot is also known as Sasquatch and Yeti. Sadly merging the name into "Bigquatchti" never caught on.
  3. Those retards and conspiracy theorists in the United States who live North of Colorado believe in the Bigfoot. Those South of Colorado believe in UFO's.

The image that started it all.

The Patterson-Gimlin film:

Although sightings of Bigfoot have been on record since the late 1800's, the Patterson-Gimlin film is one of the first sources that shows an actual image of the Bigfoot. The film is a short motion picture of an unidentified subject (above) filmed on October 20, 1967 by Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin who claimed the film was a genuine recording of a Bigfoot.

The video is commonly debunked as a hoax, but Patterson went to his grave swearing it's authenticity. Details of his death are sketchy but it is believed he was shot to death by Gimlin after he found out Patterson was going to reveal the hoax. Patterson's last words were recorded as" Ok, ok fuck bro - chill out - it's real, it's real. Jeez."

A team of experts at cracked.com have offered their own analysis to the Patterson-Gimlin film and whereas two members say the film is real, two say it is a hoax. Another two believe they actually boned this beast while in college and feel bad that they never called afterwards.

Why the Bigfoot is not real.

1.) Logic:

Take a second look at any picture you have ever seen that was supposedly a Bigfoot. Now refer to a common colloquialism - " Big feet, big dick".

Look closely at your Bigfoot photographs. Do you see a giant furry cock?

No.

Soooo - no big dick, then no big foot.

2.) Science:

The sheer elusiveness of the creature makes it bullshit. With technology today scientists can take a single strand of hair and pinpoint the source of the hair using DNA analysis. Never has there been found a hair, bone, nor stool sample to prove its existence. Probably because Bigfoot hunters (and yes there really ARE Bigfoot hunters) are not looking for this sort of controversial evidence. They prefer to tease their retarded followers with grainy images and heresay.

Apparently the scientific method of the Pacific Northwest involves waiting around for drunken hillbillies to take grainy pictures of large footprints.

OMG! Bigfoot was just HERE!

3.) Google:

If this creature exists we would be able to use "Google Earth" and zoom in on one taking a big furry shit into a river.

4.) Common Sense:

Because nothing is ever real after this much fucking hype. Loch ness monster, Ogopogo, chupacabra, UFO's, aliens, ghosts, the Boogyman, that video tape from "The Ring", the lost Natalie Portman home sex video. These things simply do not exist people.

Possible Explanations

1.) There really was a Bigfoot. The US government caught it, shaved it down and integrated it into Western civilization.

"Ooooga boooga booga - I fucking hate you Ray Romano."

2.) In pre-internet Washington state - there was a pervert with a hirsute fetish who had the decency to keep his freaky predilections to himself, preferring to wander his local forests in full ape garb in search of dead animal carcasses to defile. That he was caught on the Patterson-Gimlin film was just awkward.

3.) The Bigfoot is actually Peter Mayhew in his Chewbacca costume. George Lucas' evil casting ploy was to drop 20 prospects in full Chewbacca costume into the Canadian wilderness and the first to make it South to Hollywood would win the role in Star Wars. Apparantly Mayhew survived by eating beavers and Canadian loggers on his intrepid trek to southern California. Evidentally he also avoided the Google Earth satellite.

4.) Adobe actually invented Videoshop in 1966 and the Patterson-Gimlin film was a college project that was destined for failure since Al Gore wouldn't be inventing the internet for roughly another 25 years.

The Real Bigfoot

We at Cracked put little faith in the US populace as a whole - let alone those that chase fictional creatures. We do believe in the US goddam government though bitch! Clearly we would have faith in images taken by reputable governmant sources like NASA. So, although we firmly believe that any sort of evidence claiming a Bigfoot exists on earth is horseshit, we do totally believe that a Bigfoot has been spotted on MARS. The fact that the planet has no discernable food nor water sources does not concern us in the slightest.

This is NASA dude! And this is the ONLY real evidence of the existence of a Bigfoot.

Or is it..........?

Bigfoot!

The team at cracked have totally fucked this Bigfoot too, but it was none too cuddly afterwards.