Battlefield Earth
Do you know what cinematography is? How about screenwriting? Ever heard of Stanislavski? If not, don't feel bad. The makers of Battlefield Earth don't know what these things are either.
Just The Facts
- A movie released in 2000 based on the sci-fi novel by L. Ron Hubbard, a guy with a boat who founded Scientology.
- The film teaches an important lesson about man embracing alien wisdom to achieve their dreams which, you know, is more or less Scientology's whole deal.
- For non-Scientologists, the film can mostly be summed up by the following screen grabs:
The Film
Pretend you're watching a movie set in a post-apocalayptic future where mankind is little better than an animal, living in caves and ghettos under the opressive bootheel of their gorilla-shaped masters. If you're a right-thinking patriot that film is Planet of the Apes and you're masturbating to Linda Harrison. Good for you. However there is also a slight chance you're watching Battlefield Earth, a labor of love by a bunch of people who thought E.T. was a biopic.
Battlefield Earth was shopped around Hollywood for years with no takers. Studios worried that the negative public perception of Scientology might affect the movie's gross. A brave studio called Franchise Pictures finally brought the story to life starring Scientologist and Sweathog John Travolta as a dictator named Terl who exhibits a taste for every kind of scenery. Upon its release Battlefield Earth promptly made no money. Franchise Pictures, who learned all the wrong lessons from The Producers, overestimated the film's budget by about 37 million and ended up being sued into oblivion. That the film was lambasted by critics is an understatement.
Today, it is considered by many to be one of the worst films of all time. However, Battlefield Earth retains a cult following among people who love the movie because Tom Cruise tells them they do, as well as a small group of devotees who love it precisely because it is so fucking terrible.
As you can see, everybody in this film studied under Master Thespian. The story itself concerns Barry Pepper, who is as convincing a global savior as Hayden Christiansen was a Darth Vader. When the aliens try to teach him and his comrades how to mine for gold Dr. Pepper uses their intelligence-giving-machines to form a complicated escape plan and guerilla revolution which boils down to "shoot the aliens." Luckily he finds some other plucky man-animals and they all master flying F-14 jets in about a day.
It is important to note that the feel-good ending of the film is when someone destroys the decadent capitalist empire with suicide bombing. We hesitate to suggest L. Ron Hubbard was a terrorist in life but...well, he's not NOT a terrorist.
My husband dragged me to this movie when it came out because he'd read the book years ago. Vinnie Barbarino in Predator dreds didn't impress me.
ReplyWith the last paragraph in mind, it was for the best that this movie turned out bad and that it came out before 2001. It wasn't just the ending that has some awful implications; the heroes are those who came from remote areas, who learned to use technology (like learning to fly planes) from their "decadent capitalist" enemies, and who gained a form of religious fanaticism by reading some ancient writings, which happens to be the Declaration of Independence of all things! Wouldn't be surprised if Bin Laden bought a copy and watched it to get a good laugh.
ReplyThis movie is so awesomely bad. John Travolta as Terl is always good for a laugh...
ReplyIt bugs me how they say the word "leverage" like, fifty million times in the movie.
TAKE THIS ONE CHANCE AND FART!
ReplyI actually saw this in theatres one boring summer afternoon with an old friend of mine. We'd seen anything good that was out and asked ourselves "How bad can it be?" I learned that day if you find yourself asking yourself that question, you're much better off not knowing.
ReplyI saw this movie when i was around maybe 5 years old and i thought it was the greatest thing i ever saw. I watched it agian when i was 14 and i still think its pretty good. No, I'm not a Scientologist
ReplyCorrection: No, I'm not a human.
I don't know I've always enjoyed this movie, I own it on DVD and I watch it every few months. And no, I'm not Scientologist and I know about as much about Scientology as you do; that one episode of South Park.
ReplyI liked it too. I think it was because it was just such a messed up movie and im kind of a sucker for movies where the actors believe in the movie so much they can't realize how much of a train wreck it really is. Plus who can look away from a train wreck?
I am also not a Scientologist, but I thought the book was amazing. Over 1000 pages of Intergalactic Politics, Finance, and Corporate War. George Lucas could learn a thing or two from L. Ron Hubbard.
I only enjoy the Movie because I am reminded of the book as Source Material and I long for the Day when someone could do it properly. Like "Lord of the Rings", but with Aliens...
It's so terrifyingly bad it's terrific
ReplyAfter reading this article i decided to watch this film, and i thought it was great, i don't remember much of it... (could have been the rum) but i just remember laughing and having a great time with it
ReplyYo Wong, the jets they used in the movie weren't F-14s, were AV-8 Harriers!
ReplyBut seriously, I kinda liked the movie... I've seen it only once though, and I was 10 or 11 years old (at that same age, I used to love Star Wars Episode 1 too).
rifftrax battlefield earth is tits
ReplyI liked it because it was so bad it was like a joke. Specially when they eat rats and green cowshit, and talking about cows, when they shoot a cow with a lazer gun that shoots invisible lazer
ReplyI don't recall the scene you're talking about, but lasers generally aren't visible. Except in movies. Which this was, so I guess they screwed up by getting things right.
notable quote: "teach a man-animal how to mine??!?! [lawlz]"
Replyhil-fucking-larius. if I was high while watching it I'd be laughing even harder at that movie
ReplyLet's see... this came out in 2000? I was around eight then, and I thought it was freaking awesome. For many years, I treasured (rather incomplete) memories of That-One-Movie-With-The-Nose-Things and lived with the frustration of not being able to remember the name of it. Imagen my surprise when I discovered that my treasured movie was in fact one of the worst movies ever made. I guess I had pretty bad taste as a kid.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesLots of us do actually...
I know how you feel. I used to think The Phantom Menace was awesome. But then I grew up.
I liked Street Fighter (the one starring Jean-Claude Van Damme).
damn, you guys make me feel old...
P.S.- 'over the top' is STILL fine cinema!
This movie was so terrible from the science to the acting. I mean I can understand some liscenses can be taken in the science fiction realm but 1000 year old harriers firing up without a problem, processing tons of raw gold ore into pure bricks in two days among other things. Wait, a race that is deathly allergic to radiation... the f*****g sun is a nuclear reactor pumping tons of radiation along with every electrical device ever created... and the f*****g ground spits it out pretty good to. The only movie almost as bad was freaking Wing Commander. What's happens in space when you push something off the landing deck? It falls??? WTF.
ReplyBattlefield Earth is the reason why anyone who follows scientology needs to be water boarded continously.
You have to remember that L. Ron thought that he was a nuclear physicist, even though a group of actual nuclear physicists in Australia once got together for the sole purpose of determining just how far his cranium was inserted into his rectal cavity.
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Those responsible for B:E's 3% freshness rating will suffer Xenu's wrath.
ReplyOne can only hope after giving such a movie a positive review.
if you want the same quality, s**t your pants.
ReplyIt was "CrapLousy".
Reply