Steve

Steve. That guy is such a fucking dick. I mean, who the hell does he think he is?! Fuck you, Steve, and your perfectly chiseled abs!

This man is not as bad as Steve.

Even the compilation of all these douchebags is not as bad as Steve.

Just The Facts

  1. Steve is an upper-middle class caucasian man in his mid-to-late twenties with a spray-on tan.
  2. Steve is the man who dyes his hair but not his eyebrows, and leaves his phone on in the movies.
  3. Steve's girlfriend is the nice, smart and extremely sexy girl who you have been best friends with since freshman year.

Who Exactly is Steve?

Steve is any and every enormous douchebag who you've ever come across. You hate everything about Steve, from his blonde-dyed hair (yet still black eyebrows) to his annoying ringtone of his own god-awful faux-surfer voice, to the fact that he was born in Wisconsin. WISCONSIN, DAMMIT! Steve drinks fruity barely alcoholic beverages and cheats on his super-hot, way-to-good-for-him girlfriend who you've been best friends with since highschool. Steve is the embodiment of the douchebag, and he must be stopped.

What To Do If You Meet Steve

One of two things, depending on who you are:

If You Are A Man:

Beat the fuck out of him. Just hit him, over and over. Knowing Steve, he should curl up into the fetal position and begin to sob about his alcoholic father immediatly. If you're lucky, he may even lapse into a state of semi-consciousness. If so, pour something sticky on him and leave him in a public place. Do Not, under any circumstances, speak to Steve.

If You Are A Woman:

Do Not Sleep With Him. No matter what he does, what he tells you, no matter what, resist Steve. And then get the fuck away. Just go. No woman can resist a true douchebag for too long. However, if you are truly strong-willed, follow the steps of the Man category if and only if you are in a public area.