Too bad superheroes only exist in comic books right? WRONG. Screw policemen, these people are saving the world in their own special way. The Heroic Way. The Spandex Way.
A Costume is a superhero's identity. The flashier it is, the more recognizable they are, be it a color scheme or aesthetics, it's the costume that's usually the most memorable thing about a superhero besides their powers. Except in this case, cause you know, these are regular people dressing up in public. Though the fact that a person is actually willing to go outside in a goofy looking costume is actually very understandable to us. In fact, the theme of last year's Cracked Company Social was "Dress Up Like A Douchebag".
Sadly, this was the most thought out costume.
But we're sure the people who are actually outside in the real world have better costumes then us internet writers. As such, the amount of ridicule you'll get is proportional on how elaborate the costume is. Some costumes can can range from being high in quality:
To being lazy:
Leaping Lawsuits, Batman!
To looking like silly klansmen:
Wait, shit. This is the wrong picture, we were a bit confused for a second.
Ok, so we admit that, like, maybe some of the costumes are as cool-looking as Citizen Prime's up there. Besides, all costumes differ from each other, not that we care actually. A person's costume is limited to how much they're willing to spend and how creative they are. I mean hell, sure they look spiffy most of the time, but we at Cracked could be like that too, if we didn't opt to spend our payroll on nothing but Chicken Bakes and five-dollar whores. But is the costume really that important? I mean can't thugs just pop various caps in your respective asses when they see you in your suit looking all crazy? Well let's check our next category.
Now we're talking, weapons to help fight against the waves of waves of evil you'll encounter on your super-job, cause that's what you do as a hero right? Kill waves of crooks with your super-chainsaws? Now this is information we got from I shit you not, the World Superhero Registry, which apparently runs on 90's website graphics. Several superheroes are categorized as crime-fighters of dubious activity. We assume that they will have kick ass mundane weaponry and will in no way be vastly disappointing. Let's start with the Green Scorpian:
Oh what. It's a goddamn stick.
FFFFFFFFFF- Ok, we get it, patrolling for crime at night is still within the limits of the law, I'm sure that these are some of the most legal weapons this Rorschach look-a-like without a gun license can have. Alright, let's try another superhero on this list. The Polarman of Canada:
Get it? It's because I live in the snow, eh.
It says here that the Polar Man mainly shovels snowed in driveways and streets. How the hell is that any different from doing that same shit with a sweater on. You know how some superheroes patrol the streets secretly (how is that possible.)? We'd like to think he secretly (secretly) patrols them, bashing in the heads of criminals with that giant-ass shovel. Let's look at another one. The cleverly named... Superhero.
One may think his biceps were the lethal weapon.
Well would you look at this. Naval training, police training, boxing, and he's a wrestler? Screw everyone else, this guy's a bonafide badass. I bet this bastard is a symbol of asskicking manliness and fear among everyone at the wrong end of his sweetass car (the front of it. While it's speeding dangerously over the limit.) One would ask why wouldn't he use a gun since he had police training, but we're sure that this man would see guns as a weakness as well as far too impersonal than the punishment he prepares with his biceps for those who have wronged society.
Oh Well. All and all, these guys have crappy weapons. Though at least they were all legal, we commend them for that since we would more likely just use our Cracked-issued flamethrower and just unleash hell on the masses (We assumes a criminal is probably in those masses). It's not like they're targeting things with guns without having a license or using bladed weapon- huh? What was that? You found something notable? The Angle Grinder Man? Who the fuck is that?
Oh sweet Jesus balls.
Meet the Angle Grinder Man, the eccentric englishman social activist. I mean, I can get if you wanna protest against some sort of unjust bill or law but really? A goddamn angle grinder? How is this legal? The guy goes around at night to people's clamped cars and uses a fucking powertool on it. Now on the other hand, he does it to people who had their cars clamped unjustly, and they also ask him to, so that makes it ok, I guess. Not really.
You know, if you get a closer look, doesn't he look like Dwight Schrute from The Office (US)?
You know what? We're in out of our head here, this isn't possibly as wide spread as the internet makes it seem right? I mean certain factions worship elongated felines as their inherent god. Well feast your eyes! The people who run around in bright costumes swinging powertools at everyone are actually covered by the media.
Even MORE amazing is that this isn't a local thing, real-life superheroes appear in material like The Rolling Stones and The New York Times and news stations like CBS News and CNN. Notable mention goes to the Dark Guardian, who has been mentioned on the wikipedia entry seven seperate times.
Though he does help scare off drug dealers, so he's cool.
In fact, the Real Life Superhero Project is serving to get these superheroes more attention from the public, listing heroes they beileve make a difference while in costume and photoshop.
On the pop culture side of media, there's a comic book called Kick-Ass, it follows Dave Lizewski who wants to go into the path of real-life superheroing, so this comic is effectively about real-life superheroes. Though it does less to justify their involvement against actual crime and more emphasis on "Your lack of training will get your ass kicked." The main difference here is that people actually use things that are capable of killing other people. It even has a movie adaptation, which itself, kicks ass.
This little girl has bigger balls than all of you.
A book called I, Superhero!!: We Wear Tights So You Don't Have To was released in late October 2009 which documents the adventures of husband and father Mike McMullen, who after having some sort of totally awesome drug trip (we assume, admittedly that's not what actually happened) went around the nation as The Amazing Whitebread to see how other real-life superheroes do their job. We at Cracked were lucky enough to have recieved an advanced copy of the book, ironically through a rigorous chain of blackmail, murder, and illegal human trafficking. All we have to say that it's at least bit interesting, if very weird. We haven't read all of it yet but we're going to assume a lot of sex and drugs will be involved in the later chapters.
But we'll admit it. Real-life superheroes actually ARE doing good in the community, whether it be actually driving away crime or giving public service announcements. They all do it in their own unique way.
But let's face it, some of them are just plain retarded.