How To Stay Alive In A Horror Movie

The writers here at, in their continuous effort to provide valuable, educational materials to the public, present the the following guide: How to Stay Alive in a Horror Movie, free of charge.

Just The Facts

  1. Fact: Every day countless teenagers and young adults embark on adventures, or stumble into situations and unwittingly find that they are, in fact, trapped in Horror Movies.
  2. Fact: Many will never escape. Many will pay with their lives. Those that do survive will be forever changed, haunted by their experiences. A select few will go on to suffer similar situations, sequel after sequel, until finally the cycle of death has ended.
  3. Fact: It is entirely possible to avoid becoming a statistic in a Horror Movie, and if you do find yourself in such a circumstance, to survive.
  4. Fact: This guide is intended to help you do just that.
  5. Note: The information provided in this guide is not for use in Asian Horror Movies. If you find yourself trapped in an Asian Horror Flick you are fucked, commit suicide immediately!!!

Can You Spot the Signs?

Read the following scenario and see how many signs you can identify which foretell the beginning of a Horror Movie:

It was a day, not so much unlike those which preceded it, but one filled with promise nonetheless. For today would be the day that four young friends ventured off on a journey of growth, learning, and love.

Jeff, had placed the last of the suitcases in the back of the pickup truck as Adam, Chris and Kim climbed in. He gave his Mother a warm embrace. She looked into his soft blue eyes and smiled.

"Be careful dear," she said.

"Stop worrying Mom, Adam and Chris know what they're doing...we'll be fine, every thing has been taken care of." Jeff assured her.

And with that, he gave her one final kiss on her brow, opened the door and climbed into the driver's seat. The ignition hesitated, groaned then finally turned over. Jeff looked to his right and his eyes met Kim's. She smiled sweetly, her gaze falling on his hand as he motioned for hers, clasped it, and gave it a little squeeze.

A loud, raspy voice called from the backseat interrupting the tender moment, "Let's fucking do this man, I want to smoke this shit before we hit the highway!"

"Fucking wicked man!" chuckled Chris as he reached forward and slapped Adam's hand.

"Alright," said Jeff. "Let's go!"

He inhaled deeply, eased down on the accelerator and pulled the old pickup truck onto the road.

This would surely be the best weekend of their young lives. Everything was in place. The plan was to have a week of unadulterated, uninterrupted fun and partying. Jeff had Kim, his two best friends and a rented cabin by the lake, miles away from anyone. What a lucky turn of events that they got the cottage so cheaply. It seemed that business had not picked up after... the incident. How simple-minded and superstitious it was for people to let something like a family's murder keep them away from such a beautiful place. But not these four, they wouldn't let the rumors deter them.This would be their first time tasting freedom... the possibilities were endless. Little did any of them know what laid in wait for them, or if they would ever make it out alive. For little did they know... they were now in a Horror Movie.

This short introduction was rife with signs that the characters were doomed. Would you have been able to detect it had you been one of them?

The following guide will provide you with the secrets of Horror Movie prevention and survival. Giving you practical information for avoiding Horror Movie scenarios, and tips for survival, if you inevitably find yourself trapped in one. By using the following proven methods of detection, and survival techniques, you will be able to outwit any deranged movie killer.

Be Observant

There are always signs that you are, or soon will find yourself, in a Horror Movie. Usually these signs are dismissed or go completely unobserved. If you detect any of the following immediately assume you are in a Horror Movie:

1. Children speaking of/ or to ghosts. It is a fact that children and animals can see and commune with the undead. If a child tells you they have communicated with a ghost, believe them.

Especially if they look like this

2. Local legends surrounding death, suicide, murder, ghosts, or supernatural entities where you are planning to move, vacation or visit should be accepted as fact.
3. Animals behaving strangely: if you see animals interacting or barking/ hissing at nothing, assume that there is an evil spirit in you presence and leave immediately! Do not call a priest or seek guidance, run.
4. Warnings from the media: these warnings can come in news stories of changes in weather patterns, missing persons or ritualistic animal killings.
5. Premonitions, deja-vu, odd sensations or feelings of intuition: intuition is more important than logic in Horror Movies. Logic will get you disemboweled. Listen to your gut.
6. Vehicles or electronic devices not functioning properly : take this as a hint and change your plans.
7. Pay close attention to the music you will begin to hear almost consistently. If you hear eery piano tones, screeching violins or anything orchestral, run. It is a known fact that the orchestra decides who dies and cues the killer with their music.
8. Be aware of lunar cycles and important dates. Do not go out during a full moon. Avoid Halloween altogether, especially parties, or babysitting on that date. Proms are also to be avoided, especially if someone is planning to lose their virginity or pull a prank.

9. Pay attention to the seemingly insane town elders, drunks or quirky scientists. They all have useful advice.

Don't be in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time

The golden rule in Real Estate also applies in Horror is all about location, location, location. There are some areas which should be avoided at all costs. Here is a list of them:

1. Cemeteries, mausoleums and pretty much any place associated with death. This includes churches. They are not a sanctuary from evil. Remember unless you are Linda Blair, God will not help you in a Horror Movie
2. The entire State of Maine

Maine's top industries: lumber, fishing and death

3. Campgrounds, cabins, wooded areas, and lakes
4. Quaint or abandoned towns
5. Abandoned houses, buildings or warehouses
6. Vacant hotels off the main highways
7. Eastern European countries

Be Aware of the Consequences of Your Actions

Some of the hobbies and/ or past times that one engages in can inadvertently cause them to become part of a sinister plot. Some activities to avoid are:

1. Travelling, especially by car - road trips are always tempting fate and if you try taking a short-cut or embark into unfamiliar territory then you are doomed.
2. Engaging in any form of sexual activity.

Sex = Death

3. Reckless consumption of drugs and alcohol, especially if you are underage
4. Masturbation
5. Black magic, tarot cards, Ouija boards or anything to do with the Occult
6. Socializing in groups
7. The Internet
8. Watching horror movies, especially if you are already in one.

9. Being clever: it is unwise to make clever statements, observations, or mock anyone especially locals, or troubled teenagers

"WTF? I did everything I was suppose to and I still ended up in a Horror Movie...what now?"

So you have done everything according to this guide to avoid becoming part of Horror Movie. You have been mindful of your surroundings and activities.You have lived wholesomely, free from sin, and fought off temptation successfully. You have been a good-hearted, compassionate, giving person... a parent's dream. Perhaps, there is a gypsy curse on one of your Forefather's that you were unaware of...perhaps. Regardless, you are pretty sure you just entered the seventh layer of Hell. Some things in life can just not be avoided. Your priority now is survival, and that is only possible if you can outwit the antagonist. This is achievable, but you must follow the rules and avoid certain things.

Here is a primer on what to expect and avoid to ensure your survival.

Always Expect the Unexpected... Because You Don't Know Shit!

1. Expect that everything you know or once believed will come to be questioned . Somehow, and for some reason, you have become the focus of a maniacal killing force that defies every law of nature, Be it man, beast, alien, or supernatural entity, this killer has decided that it will not cease until you are dead. You cannot use your current system of beliefs and understanding of the world to defeat them... this is a Horror Movie, new rules apply...

2. Adopt a new system of beliefs. If you don't believe in the antagonist and his powers/ madness/ capabilities, they will fuck with you until you have no choice.
3. You will hear and see things that do not make sense. A good rule of thumb is: if you hear what sounds like a head falling onto the floor upstairs, followed by what sounds like a body toppling after it, assume that is exactly what you heard. Do not investigate, ever! If you hear a strange sound, glance toward where the sound came from only to see a cat, assume that the noise is the killer... and he is hiding behind said cat. If it looks like blood is dripping through the walls, it is not lack of sleep or a psychotic episode you are having, its fucking blood coming out of the walls... leave immediately!!!
4. The killer is ALWAYS behind you. Wherever you go, wherever you are hiding, they are there.

See, he's right there!!

5. If you are any of the following you probably will not survive : Jocks, Jerks, Bullies, Slutty Girls, Goths, Minorities, Stoners, Guys in Plaid Shirts, Emergency Service Workers (especially Small Town Deputies). Take note if any of these types are within your immediate circle of friends. You can use these people to distract the killer. Example.) if you and your scantly clad roommate are being chased by the killer, trip her to buy yourself some time. She was going to die sooner or later, it might as well afford you time to escape.
6. You will fall down while being chased. If you are female, you will fall many times and probably incur an injury to your foot or ankle. If one of your group members becomes injured, do not try to help them. They will slow you down. Leave them behind! Especially if they fit into any of the above character types.
7. Inanimate objects may come to life and attack you, this includes electronics and unplugging them will not make a difference. Evil does not require electricity.
8. A once reliable car will not start, if it does, it will inevitably breakdown or run out of gas. A neighbour's car will likely be as problematic, but may be a safer bet. Look for the keys hidden behind the sun visor. Planes and boats cannot withstand monster attacks. Your best bet for travel is by bus.
9. You will not sleep, eat, shower or use the washroom for a very long time.
10. If you call for help, you will surely watch as the police officer is eviscerated just as they reach you. Accept that no one can help you and the wait only slows you down.
11. People around you may begin to change in appearance, behaviour or personality. If a friend becomes fascinated with blood, grows paler, mutates, sustains any type of bite/ injury or begins to speak in a foreign tongue - immediately shoot them in the face. This rule especially apples to children.

What is Certain...

Certain behaviors equal certain death. This is true in life and in Horror movies. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES engage in any of the following:

1. Never say "I'll be right back." ... you won't, or "Who's there?" you do not want to know!!!
2. Never take off any clothing, show any skin, or engage in any sexual activity. Remember sex = death!!!
3. Never split up or go off in pairs.
4. Never scream, it only attracts the attention of the mentally unstable.
5. Never plead to God for help... remember there is NO GOD!!!
6. Never laugh at, or mock the killer, they can hear you... always!
7. Never attempt to unmask the killer!
8. Never check to see if the killer is dead... he never is!
9. Never assume the killer is dead, even if he/she/it fails to get up and resume chasing you. One bullet, slash, or stab will not finish them off. Sever the head and arms, then burn them and scatter the separate ashes over sacred ground in separate cities. Unless you have the ability to rocket them into space.
10. Never assume that the movie has finished... there are always sequels, and if you made it this far you may be the star in many more. To avoid this, please return to the top of the list and follow the tips provided in this guide again. Unless...

YOU were in fact the killer all along!!!