We have all been there. Driving to work, bad traffic, and idiots of every description making us mad enough to start spraying blood from our ears. But who are these inconsiderate jerks?

If Online Traffic Reports told us what we NEED to know

Thank God it is not rush hour.

Just The Facts

  1. Nearly 3/4 of adults in the West drive at least once a week.
  2. Bad driving is a contributory factor in 90000 deaths per year world wide (2007)
  3. There is no such thing as a good driver

The Good driver

A good driver is attentive, courteous, aware, patient and knows how to handle his equipment, all the same attributes as the perfect lover or Cracked writer. And like the perfect lover, they simply do not exist in real life.

In a recent survey in the UK, 43% of respondants admitted they did things which distracted them from the road. Considering these surveys were carried out in supermarket carparks, they obviously only included drivers who were actually competant enough to get there. The surprising thing to us is that 43% had the balls to admit they were none too good at times!

There are great drivers out there - you would just not want to meet them on the road.

The Old Duffer

This driver has never had an accident in 50 years of driving. He has caused dozens.

Old guy driving

He has just hit you head on

Whether it be driving at 20 in a 70 zone, stopping in the overtaking lane of the freeway to read the signs, or ignoring half a dozen traffic light changes in a row while he adjusts his truss, this driver is sure to elevate your blood pressure a few points. There is no way to get through to him on the road either - flash your lights, he'll be oblivious, blow your horn and he has forgotten to turn his hearing aid on. Cut him up and you receive the curses of the thousands of drivers behind you as he rolls to a dead stop to reach for his heart medication.
A subset of this group is what is fondly known in some locales as the terminator. Only seen during the midday period, randomly weaving across the entire road and running red lights at 10 miles per hour, the terminator is four elderly women in a car. The three passengers obviously have a vital need of eye contact with the driver as she is constantly looking over her shoulder at the backseat passengers.

Irritation Factor 7/10

Danger Factor 5/10

The Utilitarian

The utilitarian believes his car his for transporting himself and his gear from A to B, and should not be coddled by such things as recommended curb weights, safety or the laws of physics.

Sure, half a dozen frayed ropes will hold that in place

The only thing to do when you see this guy is find another route. Or pray. Or get past him any way you can.

Irritation Factor 4/10

Danger Factor 9/10

The Snake and the Knifeman

The snake is incapable of staying in his lane for more than 5 seconds at a time.

Terrified of being late for work, and fed up with the snail in front of him going only 5 mph over the speed limit, he will shove his way in front of you if it means shaving half a second off his drive. Relatively harmless, great fun can be had by blocking him in.

The knifeman is a sub species of the snake. His special power dick move is cutting across traffic to the front of the queue at an an off-ramp at the last possible second. Fortunately, murder of queue jumpers is considered a minor offence in most civilised countries.

Irritation Factor 6/10

Danger Factor 7/10

Mr Distracted, AKA the Brakelight Dork

Mr Distracted is firmly convinced of his ability to multitask while driving. He is also convinced he is a super endowed babe magnet, sex on legs, who would totally be the CEO of his company if his boss in the paper clips department didn't have it in for him. (See also internet comedians)

Yeah, I, like, totally can focus while doing this

This is the one category where you find as many women as men. Doing their make-up, eating their breakfast, making long pointless phone calls or tweeting - it all leads to one thing. Hitting their goddamn brakes every minute or so when they reallise they are not the only person on the road.

HEY, STUPID!! Apart from scaring us out of a years life every time you do that, it makes us brake. The guy behind us brakes. The guy behind him brakes. And it goes on back until there is another goldfished brained incompetant Mr Distracted in the lane who fails to brake. It is fine for you, you ADD moron, you get to work and hear about the traffic pile up you just missed.

Just put down the phone and FUCKING WELL PAY ATTENTION!

Irritation Factor 8/10

Danger Factor 8/10

The Raging Bull

Mr Tailgate. The Highbeam King. The Roadrager. Call him, and it is always a him, what you will, he is still a dick.

If you get any closer we can probably have sex

The guy sitting on your rear bumper on the highway, flashing his high beams to get past you, at 80 mph. Let him pass, he is a suicidal jerk. But no - he does not pass. He draws up along side and gives you a gestural pantomime of an orgy before accelerating away. You watch him go, feeling slightly violated and wondering why God hates you this morning.

Irritation Factor 7/10

Danger Factor 7/10

The Boy Racer

Pimped Chevy Nova, stereo system you can hear from the moon, shades, and not a clue.

The cars are fucking amazing though - in a sad way

Did the roadworks diversion magically route us through Monaco? Or are we still playing Need For Speed rather than going to work.

TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE NOT A STARTERS FLAG YOU DICKLESS MORON! Don't you go burning out at the lights - you Mom pays for those tyres! Git out of the traffic and back to outside the high school where you might find a girl you impress.

Look - if you really gotta do this, due to you being a microcephalic with a dick to match, try not to be too retarded.

Irritation Factor 9/10

Danger Factor 2/10


Few road users are more universally loathed than skinny smug twats in padded lycra shorts - in other words, cyclists.

Very nice love. If I did not have to get to work I'd happily.... oh. It's a dude.

Smug bastards, always banging on how they are saving the planet by reducing emissions. The 75 cars stacked up behind you, stuck in first gear, are producing 3 times their normal emissions because you will not GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMNED ROAD!

Oh, and traffic lights apply to cyclists too. We are getting really tired of having cyclists run into the side of the car. Hosing blood off the car is monotonous - and the neighbours are starting to talk.

Irritation Factor 10/10

Danger Factor 7/10

The Truckdriver

Almost as loathed as cyclists, the truck driver is not actually that bad a driver. Just infuriating.

Irritation Factor 9/10

Danger Factor 8/10

Women Drivers

Statistically speaking, women are safer drivers than men. Who are we kidding - you try thinking of an original humorous observation on women drivers!

Ha Ha. You are fucking hilarious. And so original too!

Irritation Factor unrated

Danger Factor unrated

Taxis and Minicabs

Taxis and minicabs are the bane of urban driving.

If you're running late, and you need a ride, Who ya gonna call? NOT THIS GUY!

Irritation Factor 9/10

Danger Factor 9/10