Pet Psychics

Case study 1: Lets call her Tess. She jumps in her Miata and drives out to Millers farm to psychically evaluate a horse that pretty much has something we can all relate to: diarrhea. Yes, folks, horses get the runs too, often from dumb-ass farmers who think Mr. fucking Ed wants a super-sized onion rings from the only Mickey-Ds in Oklahoma. So smug Tess rolls up and walks up to this horse, gives it a good looking over and states, confidentially, that the horse has diarrhea because, somehow, the horse has decided that it is, get this, a homosexual! Yes, Black Beauty is coming out of the closet! Tess takes her five hundred(!) dollars from the poor farmer who hardly can feed he goddamn 12 children, and rolls on out in her red Miata. Okay, lets step back a second. You mean to tell me that this chick, Tess, can somehow get brain waves from a fucking thorough-bred that say: Hey, Im gay, so I have to shit my saddle. Poor farmer Miller. Jacked for five-hundred bucks! What? The freaking idea of "dietary habits" never came to mind? Yes what you feed a horse can have an effect on its digestive process. Go fucking figure! Instead, they called this beeyotch Tess who claims she can somehow understand horse language aka brainwaves. That's about as logical as me going up to a snake and trying to convince it should be a pair of shoes. Poor horse is caught in the middle, and now it will never get laid because it is now gay and how many queer horses are there in the stables? Not many I would imagine. But that's just me.

Case study 2: The Bergmans have a Beagle that really loved thay liked licking up its own vomit. Shit, we've all seen it right? Dog keels over, upchucks its Chuck Wagon, then gladly eats it a second time. I guess the first taste was so good, that the dog was like, hey, lets bring this shit up from my stomach, launch it onto the linoleum, and eat it again. Two meals for the price of one, why the hell not, right? Well again, it get worse. Up rolls this dickhead Bill, pet psychic extraordinaire in his BMW (he charges a lot more than Tess for his bullshit interpretations, by the way). This cornhole puts his hands on the poor dogs head and states, once again confidentially, that the dog has a infatuation with the poodle down the street, and is eating its puke to make a pity-inducing statement. What the fuck? I guess somehow the poodle will see this and be like "That poor beagle, it's eating its own vomit again. Maybe I should go over there and lick its balls." Boom! $1000 dollars in the bank for Bill--perhaps a new stereo for the Beamer -- and a beagle that does what it always does: Eats it own vomit. Im sorry, I personally have never done this, but dogs do this shit all the time. Go ahead, buy a dog and you'll see. Munch, puke, munch, puke, repeat. I had a dachshund that did this all the time. Its in their instinct. My advice? Look away if seeing this it bothers you. And that advice is fucking FREE.

Case study 3: The Wilsons have a hamster that is obsessed with running on the wheel. Round and round this cute little bastard goes, not getting anywhere, but loving the act of running nonetheless. Hey, (some of us) humans love to jog, right? We don't need some bunghole psychic advisor to come to us to tell us what our problem is right? Anyway, so Beatrice rolls up in her freaking Rolls. Yeah, some of these ass-wads make tons of cash from this shit. So she comes over, connects with the hamster and makes her brilliant evaluation -- the hamster's legs have little minds of their own, and those legs are controlling the torso(?) of the hamster and trying to run until the animal's heart explodes. Ha! That's hilarious! First of all, a hamsters legs do not have mini-brains in them. All it takes is a simple x-ray to show you this and all it really takes is a fucking human brain to know this. But unfortunately, the hapless couple who hired this hussy, nod their heads in agreement. Like this is common knowledge. Well not in the real world, Beatrice. In the real world, we have REAL jobs that dont scam people. Jobs that actually have a real purpose and dont exploit a persons lack of logical or critical thinking. So this psychic dike (sorry, Im being mean now) tells them to take away the wheel and the hamster will be content. Yeah, we hope you are happy, Beatrice. Now its called hamster boredom. Lets lock Beatrice in a cage and take away her only stimulation -- the wheel. Lets see how fast she dies of boredom. Pretty quick if you ask me. And the poor hamster. Deprived of its only fun because some chick come along and said take away the creatures fun. I hate pet psychics! Is that noticeable?

Listen, I love animals and I love pets. But dont bother shelling out hundreds or even thousands of dollars for these frauds to get answers that are already evident. Instead, study the behavior of your animal and you will find the answer. Most animals behave in uniform ways, and sometimes in unpredictable ways. They are fucking animals for Chrissakes. Let them be animals. Look to behaviorists, who use common sense and behaviorism to solve the most complex problems of animals. Buy a books instead of shelling out the big money to these freaks who believe they are special or have a power. The only power they have is getting the green out of you wallet. I will never take Fluffy to one of these pricks. Never!