Jimmy Fallon

No one is entirely sure why this smirking weenis is allowed to be in movies and TV shows. The "Fallon Fallacy" is also named after him.

Here he is, looking even dumber than usual.

Just The Facts

  1. A former SNL (Saturday Night Live) cast member, who was known for being "cute and boyish", awkwardly stammering his lines, and grinning like an idiot into the camera, each time hoping to convey the incredible humor of the unspoken message "...Look at me! I'm on TV and I'm not doing too good...".
  2. The "Late Night" host who replaced Conan O'Brien, when NBC discovered that Fallon would not only work for a fraction of O'Brien's salary, but also had a high degree of popularity, despite his lack of timing, stage presence, personality, or interviewing ability.
  3. The "Fallon Fallacy" is defined by the mistaken belief that if you find yourself amusing, others will also find you amusing.
  4. Quite possibly tied with Dane Cook for Least Funny "Comedian".
  5. According to the internet, even seeing Jimmy Fallon gives many people the strong urge to smack him in the face.

Who He Is (ie, What The Fuck Is Wrong With Him?)

1) Even his name provokes ridicule:

His Wikipedia entry gives his real name as James Thomas "Jimmy" Fallon, Jr, which is too many names. Is his father literally named James Thomas "Jimmy" Fallon Sr? Did they actually get calls at his house with someone asking for "James Thomas 'Jimmy' Fallon", and they actually had to ask the person on the phone "Junior or Senior?"???

For the sake of brevity and simplicity, we tend to call him "Jimmy Phallus", since "Jimmy" is slang for "penis" (as in "jimmy hats"), and "Phallus" is the original latin for "penis". This seems fitting, since Fallon is really more of a talking penis than a comedian.

Diagram 1 shows the actual comparison: "Jimmy Hats" (pictured on left), and "Jimmy" wearing a "Hat" (pictured on right)

2) He Lacks Comedic Skill:

When he was on Saturday Night Live, he often proved that he was capable of ruining an otherwise perfectly acceptable comedy sketch merely by being in it. While other actors delivered their lines with comedic style, (or at least basic foreknowledge and comprehension of what they were saying), Fallon relied on the cue cards and teleprompter to feed him lines on the spur of the moment. He would then stammer them out, sometimes approximating a comic performance, but usually looking like a stoned high school kid who had wandered onto the set of a live TV show.

For some reason, some people still considered this "funny". (Mostly teenage girls lacking comedic taste). Everyone else was shocked when he re-appeared each week, since they were fully expecting him to have been fired.

Actual search pictured

Even Google has a pretty good idea what you were going to say next...

3) He Lacks Acting Skill:

In any sense of the word "acting", it would be hard to credit him with any actual ability. He usually seems either uncomfortable or amused, but it takes more emotions than that to act.

A good indicator is the fact that "Jarret" is apparently his most well-known character. This requires him to wear a silly dreadlock wig, and then flex all his acting muscles and ...look right into the camera, and laugh about whatever he is saying. Yes, that is pretty much what he does in every other sketch, but in this one, it's what the character does. It's obvious that this sketch was written when SNL people realized they couldn't stop Fallon from smirking into a camera, giggling, and sounding like he was baked.

4) He Lacks Interviewing Skill:

Someone thought it was a good idea to give him a talk show, but they were clearly mistaken; this guy is the worst talk show host since Magic Johnson. If you want to see how much people enjoy Fallon's current TV show, you need look no further than Metacritic.

Yes, 48 out of 100 by critic's estimation, 4.0 out of 10 by public estimation (an average of 44 out of 100 if you want to lump them together, and clearly we do). That's really not very good. If you were graded in a school, that's a definite "F" right there. Yes, NBC did try sending him to summer school (in his case, this meant some web-based video bullshit), but it does not appear to have helped.

For the sake of writing this topic, we subjected ourselves briefly to this godawful show, and we can personally confirm that it is bad. Unless you want to see an "interview" that consists of a lot of ass-kissing, meaningless congratulation, awkward pauses, and Fallon merely repeating whatever the guest has just said to him, then you may want to steer clear of this failed experiment turned TV show.

The Fallon Career Arc

Entertainment critics and statistical mathematicians alike are puzzled over the shape of Jimmy Fallon's Career Arc. Explaining this phenomena in numerical terms is almost impossible, and requires a team of NASA experts, a Cray supercomputer, and a gang of poop-flinging chimpanzees working together around the clock just to make the slightest sense of it. He appears to have come from nowhere, does almost nothing entertaining, garners praise from some kind of fan-base anyway, bungles nearly every opportunity to be funny, but still gets handed new opportunities!

Even experts are unable to explain his actual popularity.
Some relevant data and statistics.

1997 - Jimmy Fallon sells his soul to Troll Dolls, who he later credits with his fame. Little did he realize that without a soul to give life to his performances, his wish for popularity would eventually jeopardize the very forces of comedy itself.

1998 - Fallon (again according to Wikipedia), "was studying at the Groundlings Theater in Los Angeles, making $7.50 a set at The Improv Theater", which started his long road of being vastly overpaid to do almost nothing.

1998 to 1999 - Fallon becomes a featured player on SNL. The show's fanbase is puzzled and disappointed.

1999 to 2004 - Fallon is promoted to full cast member on SNL. Many people begin finding things to do on Saturday night other than watching TV.

Being high while playing a stoner works well for Cheech and Chong, but not for Fallon and Sanz.

2000 - Fallon gets a bit part in "Almost Famous", which he manages not to ruin entirely. Instead, he only ruins the scenes he is in by acting exactly like Jimmy Fallon, instead of playing a fictional character like everyone else was doing. As a result, critics tended to overlook this part, and focused on the main characters and the plot (neither of which was much better if you ask us, but we do give all of the other actors credit for acting, as we had hoped they might do).

2002 - Fallon releases "Bathroom Wall", a music/comedy CD. According to critics, this may be the only funny thing he has ever done, and he would be smart to continue in this direction, rather than persist in appearing on TV or in movies. Some critics also said that the music parts were funny, but that the comedic parts were not.

2004 - Fallon wisely leaves SNL, to pursue his highly promising movie career. The good news is that this removes him from TV for a while.

2004 - Fallon stars in "Taxi", which flops horribly like a naked fat guy having a seizure. Metacritic gave it 27 of 100 for critic feedback, 4.0 of 10.0 for user feedback. It got 4.2 out of 10 stars on IMDB (of 12,225 votes). Most of the audience wants it's fucking money back.

2005 - Fallon stars in "Fever Pitch", which also fails at the box office. Metacritic gave it 56 of 100 for critic feedback, 6.0 of 10.0 for user feedback. It got 6.3 out of 10 stars on IMDB (of 15,124 votes). Fallon later commented to "USA Today" that "after Fever Pitch, I didn't get asked to do more movies". Maybe studios just got tired of flushing their money down the toilet?

2006 - Fallon helps Pepsi sell more soda in some stupid ad.

2007 - Former SNL star Tracy Morgan explains his feelings, in one of his many letters to Penthouse magazine. In a quote from the interview he did with them, Morgan claimed that multiple cast members, including himself, disliked Fallon's "laughing and all that dumb shit he used to do". Morgan continued, explaining the way he handled Fallon: "He wouldn't mess with me because I didn't fucking play that shit. That's taking all the attention off of everybody else and putting it on you, like, 'Oh, look at me, I'm the cute one.' I told him not to do that shit in my sketches, so he never did". In retrospect, it seems like Jimmy boy was lucky just to avoid a drunken jedi bitchslap.

2007 - In a move well known to lazy douchebags and talentless hacks everywhere, Fallon marries an older woman, who happens to have far more money, power, and talent than him.

2009 - Fallon gets LASIK eye surgery, and immediately becomes some kind of corporate whore, shilling their services on his own video blog.

2009 - Fallon takes over hosting NBC's "Late Night", ending the long legacy of comedy by David Letterman and Conan O'brien.

Projected Timeline for future Fallon Activity:

Though scientists are unable to determine exactly what he plans next, they have released a few calculated projections...

2010 - Fallon will appear in another short TV spot for Pepsi. After 943 takes, they are able to find one correctly enunciated line of dialogue where Fallon isn't laughing or walking out of the shot, and they choose to use that one sentence in the ad.

2011 - After a large meal of tacos, Fallon unintentionally blows a long audible fart on the air. Critics and fans uninanimously praise this as "the single funniest thing he has ever done in front of a camera".

2012 - Fallon is hosting some dumb shit like "New Year's Rockin' Eve, with Talking Penis Jimmy Fallon", when alien beings do in fact land for the first time. Fallon ruins the only few seconds of footage by asking unnecessary questions, laughing at everything the aliens say, and telling them what he's totally going to say on Twitter.

2013 - Fallon stars in "Taxi 2: Totally Needless Boogaloo", co-starring Chris Tucker.

2013 - Fallon wins a golden Danza award, for "smug lazy acting in a role fairly similar to the actor playing it".

2014 - Fallon stars in "Taxi 3: Three Cabbies and a Baby", co-starring Horatio Sanz, Ashton Kutcher, and some unfortunate baby.

2015 - Fallon stars in "Taxi 4: The Case Of The Gratuitous Sequel", co-starring J-Lo and Shia LaBeouf.

2016 - Fallon stars in "Taxi 5: The Audience Has No Standards And Deserves To Suffer Once Again", co-starring the Wayans brothers (All of them. Every damn one), Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jar-Jar Binks.

2017 - An aging Fallon takes up yoga in order to literally walk around with his head up his own ass, and proclaims five minutes later that his third eye now needs LASIK surgery. He posts an extensive video blog about it on the holonet, but few people notice.

2018 - After recovering from his surgery, Fallon's third eye becomes clear, and he realizes at last he probably could have just squeegeed it clear like Bill Hicks did. Suddenly reality becomes obvious to him, and he realizes the terrible crimes against comedy that he has committed. He tearfully sends out one last Twitter, and then brutally kills himself in an attempt to redeem his long-lost honor.

2019 - Fallon briefly returns from the dead to star in "Taxi 6: Dead But Still A Dumbass".

The Threat He Represents To Comedy

1) He Lowers Comedic Standards:

Once upon a time, comedians had to be funny to be called "comedians". It was somewhat expected of the job.

Then Jimmy Fallon opened the door for people like Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia, simply by appearing to be amused and clearly enjoying himself. While other comedians had tried using only minimal humor (Sinbad, for example), Fallon boldly attempted to use none whatsoever.

If this guy is technically more funny than you, you have sunk very low on the comedy spectrum. Still, just look how happy Sinbad was when he found out he was funnier than someone.

There IS such a thing as "being intentionally unfunny for the sake of comedy", as Norm Macdonald has shown before. However, that is clearly an intentional style choice, as evidenced by Macdonald's dorky yet dry delivery. When Fallon acts like an idiot, it seems to be that he simply feels like acting idiotic (and possibly disrupting the actual performers around him). There's no intention of subversion, it's just badly done.

The problem is that if Jimmy Fallon can be famous (not to be confused with "successful"), then almost anyone could become famous. He's almost the comedy equivalent of Paris Hilton or Spencer Pratt (two people who are "famous for being famous" and are well known to be stupid irritating douchebags who lack any talent whatsoever, and seem to have stumbled into fame despite this fact).

The bottom line is that having people laugh at you because you forgot your lines is not the same as having people laugh with you because you nailed your lines and didn't break character by mugging into the camera like a jackass. If this sort of thing isn't stopped, it will set a dangerous precedent, and the very definition of the word "comedian" will soon become watered down.

It is possible that this is a blank DVD.

2) He Will Drag Others Down With Him:

In real life, there are two kinds of retards:

  • The kind who drool on themselves, color in their coloring book, and talk to themselves.
  • The kind who drool on other people, color in other people's coloring books, break other people's toys, scare the cat, run around half-naked shitting on the rug, scream at random, and talk to every fucking person who has the bad luck to be anywhere nearby.

Unfortunately for Fallon and everyone else, he seems to fall into the second category. Not only will he himself bomb on camera if allowed, he will take the whole scene down with him. If his costume includes a fake mustache, you can damn well guarantee that it will come partially unglued about a quarter of the way into things, and then he will spend the next 30 seconds blowing on it, poking at it, and laughing uncontrollably. Maybe smoking half an ounce of 'dro with Horatio Sanz before the show wasn't a good idea?

In an actual quote about Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, SNL brain Lorne Michaels said this about Fallon: "He looks comfortable and he's funny."

Hmm... In regard to the first part of his statement...WHAT??? Moving on to the second part...WHAT??? What fucking show are you watching, Lorne? In what world does Fallon look anything resembling comfortable? In what sense is he anything like funny? What the hell is going on here? Didn't Lorne Michaels put together Saturday Night Live, and find many talented comedians before this? What has happened? Does Michaels have alzheimers? Even saying this about Fallon lowers his credibility, and casts doubt on every decision he will make in the future.

Yes, Fallon will fuck up other people's shit, and therein lies the second major problem with him.

Besides screwing up countless SNL bits, he scews up movies too. His "big starring role" in "Taxi" didn't amuse anyone except for Fallon himself, least of all critics. Surprisingly, it turns out that Fallon thinking he was funny was only the second most tiresome delusion of the film. Big time movie guy Roger Ebert (formerly known as "The Fat One" until "The Bald One" died and was replaced with "The Angry One", at which point Ebert toned it down to "The Reasonably Pudgy One") said this about the film: "In a film that is wall-to-wall idiocy, the most tiresome delusion is that car chases are funny". *

*Technically speaking, this is true; car chases are only funny if someone drives into a building full of stock 70's characters, or if a blind guy is driving, or if someone gets killed in a brutal car accident. Other car chases are not funny (especially if anyone is late to get married).

Who do you think wrote the screenplay for "Taxi"?

Comedy Central's Internal Affairs Unit has been notified about the breach of humor.

Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant. That's right, the guys behind Reno 911, better known as Dangle and Junior. Since these are usually funny people (at least up until season six, anyway), right now you are probably saying "What the FUCK?". Try to bear in mind that they can't just live on the money they make from Reno 911, so they subsidize their income by writing scripts. In all likelihood, they had no idea that Jimmy Fallon was going to ruin their movie. Still, once it happens, it tends to make them look bad. Try not to blame them. They didn't teach Fallon how to act. No one did.

(health advisory note: If seeing so many pictures of Jimmy Fallon and reading so much about him has caused a putrid unfunny ache to develop in your brain, don't worry; this is somewhat normal. The effects can be counteracted by simply rubbing a picture of George Carlin directly into your eyes, and you will feel bettter shortly).