Parking Lots

Parking Lots: A Symposium on the Varied Degrees of Retardation and the Assholes That Inhibit Them.

Let's really work on morale here...We'll make the handicapped park in the back.  You know, to give those that walk a break.

Parking Garages only add a veiw to the unpleasent experience of finding a spot...

would you belive there's a game?  Notice the slanting spots.

Just The Facts

  1. Parking lots suck
  2. garages don't help
  3. take a cab

Why they suck

Parking lots are the birth canals and well, the rectums of businesses. People enter and leave through them. Got it? No? Shit enters and leaves the store from a parking lot. The result is that mass enter/exit ends up mixing together and causing a whole lot of problems. Nothing you would really care to see or smell.

First off, there are directional arrows pointing you around the lots. As if that would be needed considering that if the parking spaces are slanted, you can kind of tell what your car will and will not fit in. If you can't. I might suggest you to be pushed to town in an effing stroller because you have the mind of a bedwetting, adolescent primate. These arrows will eventually lead you to the entrance of the place of business. For this argument, let us just say that you are at Wal-Mart. (Which I hope you aren't. The place is chock full of mouth breathers.) You are at a deficency because all of the signs tell you to yield to the mindless fucks that are stumbling out of the building. I figure what the hell, it is a judgement call, so why worry?

I could tell you why to worry. There are so many arrogant asses that think they could go toe-to-toe with a one quarter ton vehicle walking out of the place they could form a colony. I really have to hold myself back sometimes. Some walk out into traffic and reach down to tie their shoes, pick up loose change and others just fuck around getting to where they are going.

Now, coming from experience, I had this dickhole walk out in front of me the other day. I stopped sort of abruptly, and got the stare down from the guy. Describe him you say? I don't stereotype though. Oh well, here it goes. It was a black man, about 6' 2", corn rows, and enough dreads to make Bob Marley jealous. So instead of acting in a fit of rage, I blew the horn. Not really, but that would be effing hilarious. I just mouthed the words, "The fuck is your problem?" He kept looking. I think he was a drug dealer. I think he was high. I think that covered it.

Honestly, I really don't care what color you are, it is simple science that when you walk in front of a car, and it does not stop, bad stuff happens. Depending on the car's speed, blood may be involved too.

Put a parking garage in place of a parking lot then. Well, like the picture says, you have the same problem, just on anywhere from three to five new levels. The fucking problem grew exponentially. I still don't want to drive around a dimly lit garage waiting for some asshole to walk out to his car just to get a pack of gum. Then walk back to wherever they were. You have to go through the entire act of missing him, seeing him, backing up and putting a blinker on so that he and the rest of the world knows that you are about to put your gas-guzzler where that moron is right now. Only to have him smirk at you and walk away. I swear, I would keep rotten fruit in my vehicle to throw at people like that.

Albeit, I used to enjoy doing that in college. At the time, there were no parking garages and you had to time your searches according to when classes got out. Just to be an ass, I would go out to my vehicle and sift through things. When people would pull up and put their blinker on, I would relish turning around and mouthing "I'm not leaving." Most of the time, they would speed off. I would then leave. Yeah, maybe I let the cat out of the bag about the rotten fruit. Who reads this anyhow?

Well, if all of that sucks King Kong's rubber ding dong, what then does one turn to? If you live in a large city, you can get a cab, sure. They are ridiculously expensive and can never guarantee you will get someone that can legally say they were born in America. What is next, public transportation? I effing think not. The image that pops into my head is a old, legless drunk guy on a skateboard, riding up and down the aisle singing, "I have no legs. I have no legs. Now give me some money." I couldn't handle that on a normal day, let alone every day. Pubic transportation is not an option.

Don't be biased against public transportation you say? On a typical year, we will frequent the annual Georgia vs. Florida football game. We aren't this year, on purpose. Georgia sucks like parking lots. Well, the parking passes and crowds were what we were going to avoid the last two times we went. The first year, we had some dirty immigrant tell us that they could pick us up, drop us off and arrange a spot so that they could pick us back up from the game. The cabbie that picked us up laughed when we asked where should we meet after the game. At that point, we had that "You're Fucked" feeling and had to take a public transit bus that stopped 10 miles away from where our hotel was. Worst walk of my life. The chicken wings that I ate gave me the worst case of the trots and I am still to this day, suprised I found a toilet.

The following year, we stayed at the same place. Same friends. Same idea; with a twist. We got together with a group of guests that were also Georgia fans. They were having a fun time so we asked if they wanted to take our cab too. It was probably the funnest short trip I have ever been on. We had an uptight middle-aged white guy sitting in the front with the driver. Then my three companions. My wife had to sit in my lap, and then the other six of our newly found friends all packed like effing sardines in a Chevy Astro van. They were a bit rowdy, but we were all drunk and having a great time. The Gator fan said nothing. At all. Maybe because he was being made fun of by us and the group of friends that could have easily passed as thugs. Then again, it could have been his jean shorts. Choking his balls.

The Dawgs lost again that night, only by a margin though. We went back to the hotel to find our friends destroyed their rooms. I remember seeing a door hanging by what appeared to be a sheet over the bannister. Funny shit. Oh yeah, did I mention that we called the taxi company from the previous year to come pick us up. That was as we were about to leave the hotel with the first taxi. I hope that asshole sat and waited for 2 hours while he picked up a fictitous passenger. Screw him.

By the way, if you ever go to Jacksonville, Florida and need a cab, DO NOT CALL this company:

Taxi Terry - 904.535.8294.

They really deserve a prank call or two. I invite you all to do so. Careful, they are fucking imbiciles.

Then, there is this little dilemma. I had a friend of mine in Atlanta sit in a parking lot and perform the act of waiting on a parking spot to open up. They watched the people that occupied the spot walk out and get into their vehicle. While he paitiently waited for the car to back out, another car turned into the spot from the opposite direction. In an obvious attempt to avoid confrontation, the guy that swiped the spot, quickly ran in the store. My friend simply got out and slashed all four of the dickwad's tires. A parking lot security guard walked up to him and for what it is worth, said, "That guy was a jerk. I would have done the same thing. Have a nice day."

I can't explain the fear I feel when there are people that crazy over a parking spot. Who wants to bring a child up in this day and age? Seriously. Any takers? No one wants to have children with me? Shit. I'm pathetic..

Oh, if I could just get my hands on that dickhole that did this!

Are you serious? How do they expect me to get to my proctologist appointment?

Next to that, I guess there is nothing that is different about the ass clowns that you meet in a parking lot and those in everyday life. Really not any difference from being inside the store either. I suppose the work getting into the store should; I repeat, should, be proportionate to the quality of whatever the fuck you are going in there to get.

If not, I strongly suggest you start doing your commerce online. Avoid the effing parking lots. If it is college. I'm sure they offer classes online. If you really don't give a rat's ass, go to the parking lot and quit your bitching.