The Santa Clause

The Santa Clause is a 1994 Christmas film about a single dad who becomes Father Christmas. It stars Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold and about 7000 annoying children who's primary objective for the duration of filming was to look busy, which they failed at!

This, unfortunately, isn't part of the movie. But, for your sake, pretend it is.

Just The Facts

  1. It was made in 1994 and was released by Walt Disney Pictures
  2. The title "The Santa Clause" is a play on the words "Claus" and "Clause", which no child in existence will get!
  3. Tim Allen wears a fat suit and grows a hobo beard. This is the worst christmas movie ever! Nearly!


On Christmas Eve, Scott Calvin is looking after his son, Charlie, while his ex-wife goes off with her boyfriend for a wild night of Christmas sex. The father and son awaken when they hear noises on the roof. Scott goes out to check, and inadvertently KILLS SANTA CLAUS IN COLD BLOOD. Okay, not cold blood, but he scares him enough to make him fall off the roof. To cut a long opening short, Scott puts on the suit, as instructed by a note his son reads to him, and finishes the big guys work. The end.

OOp, sorry, not the end. Instead of taking them home, the sleigh and reindeer take them to the North Pole, where they are slowly surrounded by children in colourful clothing (First thought: Michael Jacksons house. Second thought: "Oh yeah, shit, so ignorant. Third thought: Obvious joke, move on). They are told by the head elf, a jewish lad named Bernard, that Scott has to be Santa Claus. Soooo, the rest of the film focuses on him in denial, eventually accepting it, having Charlie taken away from him and eventually saving Christmas. Oh, and Judge Reinhold get's his weenie whistle. Don't ask!


  • Tim Allen stars as Scott Calvin, a work-obsessed ass-hat who kills Santa Claus by scaring him. Don't worry, that is the sane part.
  • Eric Lloyd stars as Charlie, Scotts annoying little scrote of a son who spends the film whining how nothings fair and basically killing the christmas spirit.
  • Judge Reinhold stars as Dr Neil Miller, a psychiatrist who is ploughing Scotts ex-wife. Just to rub it in, he also gets a restraining order against Scott to ensure he can't corrupt Charlies mind with his nonsense talk about a man who brings joy to the world.
  • Some other people that weren't interesting enough or well played enough to appear on this exclusive list.

Cracked on The Santa Clause

It's a Christmas film that doesn't even feel Christmassy. Hell, it doesn't even feel like a fully fledged film. It feels like someone took everyones childhood dream (assuming everyones childhood dream was to have Santa as a dad) and ripped it apart, urinating and releasing fecal matter all over the shattered remains. Oh, then they made Tim Allen stand in it for 97 minutes! Then they made a kid give him cocoa, and let's face it people, kids aren't good at anything. They can barely stand, let alone make him a suitable beverage!

"You put my cocoa?"

The Elves

In addition to the annoying child who plays the son, we have a whole host of annoying children who can't act portraying elves. It's understandble why they cast children, it was a way of saying to the younger viewers "Look, elves aren't tall aging comedians who get lost in New York because they're an idiot. No, elves are just like you, but with organisational skills and the ability to manufacture toys at a high rate." This seems like a good idea, but it just comes across as if Santas running an illegal sweatshop. But the workshop has a train that goes everywhere (AWESOME) which kind of makes up for the rest of the film.

No, that's not the train from the film, but look at it! It's Awesome!

Christmas Films That Are Better!

  • Santa Claus The Movie - Reason? When a film has John Lithgow in it, you don't need reasons. Just go with the flow.
  • The Polar Express - The dead eyed characters can't take away the overall charm of this movie. Oh, and it has a train in it aswell, which features prominantly. Thats just bonus points onto the overall rating.
  • Miracle On 34th Street (the coloured one. Not racism, the original was black and white) - Richard Attenborough is Santa Claus. And it has a Glenn Beck lookalike as an asshole lawyer. And we all hate Glenn Beck, right? Good.
  • Holiday Inn - It's a good film. And Fred Astaires dancing makes small explosions.
  • Elf - God dammit, that Ferrel, he makes this film good!
  • A Muppet Christmas Carol - Had to be on the list, it's awesome. Michael Caine is great as Scrooge and the songs are pure genius. Sort of.
  • Scrooged - Bill Murray is god!