George Patton

During World War II, many generals such as Rommel, Monty, and Eisenhower made names for themselves as brilliant strategists. Patton made one for being a crazy motherfucker of a General.

Just The Facts

  1. Patton place 5th in the 1912 Olympics Pentathlon.
  2. Commanded the 3rd Army in World War II.
  3. Forced his men to wear ties, as well as to be clean shaven, even in a warzone.
  4. Slapped a man suffering from Combat Fatigue.

Pre-World War II

Patton attended the Virginia Military Institute, which he transferred out of after his first year, and continued his education at West Point. When he arrived, the administrators forced him to repeat his plebe year after he failed his math course. Although we like to think he made a threatening math pun along the lines of "One pissed off Cadet plus one loaded gun isn't an equation you want finished sir," Patton resigned himself to an extra year which he finished with honors.

In 1912 he participated in the first ever Pentathlon. In the Pistol Shooting event, Patton chose to use a .38 caliber pistol instead of the standard .22, undoubtably because he was compensating for something, he wanted to give the other contestants a fighting chance. But during the course of the event, the holes left from his large caliber rounds were so large that when no marks appeared after he fired, he claimed the bullet went right through the already made holes. The Judges however put forward that he missed the target completely.

Pictured Above: Proof that he missed.

Patton later participated in the hunt for Mexican Revolutionary Pancho Villa, whose name, according to our rudimentery understanding of the Spanish language translates to "Coat House". In the First World War, Patton served in France where he was awarded the Distinguished Service Dross, as well as its less pious brother, the Distinguished Service Medal.

World War II

When America entered World War II, Patton would lead the II Corps in North Africa, where he lead them to a quick victory. And as they prepared to land at Sicily, Patton delivered this message to his troops:

When we land against the enemy, don't forget to hit him and hit him hard. When we meet the enemy we will kill him. We will show him no mercy. He has killed thousands of your comrades and he must die. If your company officers in leading your men against the enemy find him shooting at you and when you get within two hundred yards of him he wishes to surrender - oh no! That bastard will die! You will kill him. Stick him between the third and fourth ribs. You will tell your men that. They must have the killer instinct. Tell them to stick him. Stick him in the liver. We will get the name of killers and killers are immortal. When word reaches him that he is being faced by a killer battalion he will fight less. We must build up that name as killers.

-George S. Patton

Needless to say, this greatly helped the Axis realize how much more caring and good willed their enemies were.

After D-Day, Patton lead the breakout from Normandy, which, although sounding like an awesome prison break/war movie, was the Allies' breakthrough into France. And how was he stopped? He ran out of gas.

"Guys are you sure we brought everything?" "Ammo, food, water, Porn, fue.....Shit"

Patton later relieved the American forces at the Battle of the Bulge, and was hailed as a war hero, and as such, he died a hero's death: In a car accident with a Gay, Hobart Gay, his chief of Staff, to be exact.