Batman: Arkham Asylum Game

Batman: Arkham Asylum was developed by Rocksteady Studios and was published by cockbag Eidos. Released in 2009 it stands at a respectable 91 on Metacritic, making it not only a very high rated game, but the highest rated Batman game ever.

Just The Facts

  1. It's the best Batman game ever (Well, so far at least, it's kind of presumptuous to say ever).
  2. Joker is awesome, and no, it's not Heath fucking Ledger.
  3. The boss fights kind of suck. Except for Scarecrow. Scarecrow is epic!


The Joker was doing some crazy shenanigans again (i.e. Holding the mayor hostage by strapping a bomb to his chest and hanging him off a building), and Batman just won't put up with that shit. He swooped right in there and saved the mayor and managed to beat Joker into a daze in the process.

Silly Joker and his shenanigans.

Silly Joker and his shenanigans.

Upon returning him to Arkham Asylum (evidently the least perfect place to stash criminals seeing as they can all pretty much break out as they damn well please) Joker breaks free and reveals that the whole thing was a trap. Batman pretty much knew this, and decided to go in anyways, which ultimately proves how badass he is. Adding to the badass nature that is Batman, a fire at Blackgate Prison meant that all of the Joker's henchmen had to be transferred to Arkham just a few days earlier, and Batman fucking knew that too!

So now Batman's trapped inside Arkham with his most evil enemies that were all pretty much chosen just for video game reasons. i.e. They were easy to create uninspired boss fights for. It's not all bad though, because Batman has got some allies on the inside. There's Commissioner Gordon, who get's kidnapped. Some doctors who are all captured and almost killed, and the guards who can't seem to hold their own despite all of the gun lockers at their disposal.

You know what, it seems like things would have just been easier if there was nobody there except for the criminals. At least then Batman wouldn't have to go and rescue some random fucking janitor every 15 minutes.

Look Gordon *sigh*, I think it would be best for everyone if you'd just fucking leave.


Combat / Leveling Up: Do you know how to hit X? Then you fucking know how to fight in Arkham Asylum. But that's not the point, because you also know how to look awesome while doing so. Sure, you can mix shit up and hit Y to counter enemies (probably breaking their leg in the process), or you can hit B to stun people. Double tap A to leap over them, and throw out a quick Batarang with a tap of the Left Trigger. But your not some kind of genius right? So just fucking hit the X button over and over again until you win.

As you kill enemies, you get experience. Once you level up you get to unlock an upgrade. Stupid people will tell you that the inverted takedown upgrade is stupid, but I'm here to tell you that those people are in fact the stupid ones (as previously stated). You can also buy a remote controlled Batarang, but fucking don't because you can totally just buy the triple Batarange upgrade and save yourself a bunch of trouble in fights. Besides, the remote controlled Batarang is only useful like, 5 times in the entire game.

Batman doesn't kill, but he could so murder all of them right now.

Invisible Predator: Hell yeah! The best thing about this part of the game is that you're enemies don't have peripheral vision, and are like dogs in that they can't look up. Not to mention how deaf they all are, considering the fact that they can't hear your Batclaw sinking into a gargoyle right above their heads.

Never mind all of that though, because you'll be too busy strapping up idiots by their legs, smashing through glass windows, and pulling people off ledges to really give a shit about realistic mumbo jumbo. If you manage to knock out everybody without getting caught, you'll even get an XP bonus which you can put towards that triple Batarang upgrade you were informed of earlier.

This is exactly as awesome to do as it looks.

Detective Mode: Say goodbye to the awesome architecture and beautiful character models, because this is where you'll be spending most of your time. Everything takes on a bluish, purplish, or orangish hue and every character turns into a skeleton. Sure, it looks cool and all, but at what cost people? AT WHAT COST?!?

In detective mode you can track things such as alcohol vapor in the air, tobacco, and even handprints. Yeah I know, awesome right? You can also track which enemies in any given room have guns, so that you can prioritize that shit just like the Dark Knight. Take out the gun totin' enemies first, then guys with knives, then the stupid taser assholes and finally regular dudes. Look, you're learning how to play the game right here. I'm helping you out, and those taser assholes need to go, right after the knife mother fuckers of course.

That wall can explode. Hmm... what to do, what to do?


Batman: Who the fuck else did you expect? The Dark Knight takes up about 95% of the screen time, and he manages to take up almost that exact amount of screen space. Seriously, have you seen how large he is? Regardless, his costume will rip and shred as you play through the game, and his cape physics are incredible. Honestly, you may pass out from multiple orgasms after watching his cape billow in the wind for a couple of minutes, or seconds depending on how old you are.

With him he brings his fancy Batclaw, some Batarangs, and along the way he'll even pick up some explosive Batgel, and some other Batstuff as well. His Batmobile shows up, and he's got his own Batcave and even a Batjet makes an appearance eventually. All in all it's a veritable Bat-a-palooza with Bat-items throughout the Bat-venture.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to see this half of the screen?

Guess I was too busy being the goddamn Batman to care!

Joker: The Clown Prince of Crime is the main villain here. And as stated above, it ain't Heath Ledger. Yes, we all know he was awesome and how much of a boner you get when someone says "Why So Serious", but it's time to take a step back and realize that there were Joker's before him. The Joker is voiced by none other than Mark Hamill, who is for those of you not well versed in anything, Luke Skywalker.

Wouldn't it be crazy if Batman was the Joker's father? Crazy awesome!

Harley Quinn: Possibly the most annoying character to ever screech her way into a video game. Harley Quinn was once Joker's psychiatrist at Arkham, but after seducing her she decided to join the dark side (pun entirely intended). Now she's Joker's right hand gal, and she's also one of the major players in setting up the whole Arkham takeover scheme. She's pretty interesting, and her bodies hot but you'll also have to be into clowns (freak) if you want to even think about looking at her face. Unfortunately her voice is akin to what a choking Panda giving birth would sound like.

Which makes it all the more satisfying when you throw her into a fucking wall.

Killer Croc: Perhaps the only top billed character in the game that very few non-comic book fans have heard of. He's got some kind of skin disease that gives him leathery crocodile skin, and also makes him fucking huge... and also makes his face look like a lizard with sharp fangs. Officially making it the most awesome skin disease ever, while also classifying it as the most horrifying one at the same time.

Croc also has an affinity for human flesh, which is something he's adopted to further separate himself from ordinary people. You'll meet him the sewers, where he is kept at Arkham. Yup, he doesn't get his own cell or anything, they just threw him in the fucking sewer and decided it was for the best. They do toss down some meat every now and then though so... win win?

Ima eat your face soooooo much.

Bane: Bane is an interesting character. He grew up in a prison while serving his dead father's sentence. He was chosen to partake in a government experiment and his iron forged will made him the only test subject to survive. Unfortunately he now has to be on Venom (the experimental liquid tested on him) or else he becomes a scrawny dude the likes that a 10 year old could beat up.

He once broke Batman's back, and now that the Joker's hooked him up to his new experimental Venom like substance, he wouldn't really mind doing so again. Of course like most boss fights in this game you'll dispatch him with relative ease, and you'll probably feel a bit empty inside after your done due to the simplistic nature of the encounter.

Would you believe he has a teddy bear named Osito? Wiki it.

Poison Ivy: Pamela Lillian Isely makes an appearance and is one of only two characters to feature an interesting boss fight. For those of you who don't know, she has complete control over plants, gained after a lab experiment meant to cross lines man was never meant to cross failed (like they usually do). She now identifies more with plants than people, and even tried to kill the entirety of Gotham City using poisonous spores.

Oh, and she's also a babe. She has the ability to seduce men using pheromones or some shit, but she really doesn't need them. Honestly, if she didn't look like her skin feels like vines, any one of us would hop right into bed with her. Oh, and also if she wasn't poisonous. Poison is a definite deal breaker.

Yup, that's a leaf thong. You should see her from behind.

The Riddler: Edward Nigman (aka The Riddler) doesn't make a physical appearance in game, but he is a presence throughout providing you with, what else, riddles. He's placed plenty of patient interview tapes, trophies and maps for you to collect, as well as honest to goodness riddles to solve. They're so easy a caveman could solve them (pop culture reference? check!), but they all give you a character Bio for someone not featured in the game, ranging from Mad Hatter to Ratman to Humpty Dumpty.

Scarecrow: Jonathan Crane brings the goods. In case you didn't know, his "thing" is using a hallucinogenic drug that brings about your worst fears. He's the provider of the greatest boss fights and moments in Arkham Asylum, ranging from flashbacks on the death of the Waynes, to revealing what Batman is truly afraid of. He's also the most freaky looking of the bunch, as you'll see in the picture in just a few seconds, or minutes, hell we don't know how fast you read.

Is it just me, or does his hand look like it's cupping something?