Star Wars

Star Wars. To many: a beloved series of science fiction movies. To others: a way of life.

Just The Facts

  1. Star Wars is a six-part series of films taking place in a galaxy named 'Galaxy Far, Far Away.'
  2. Parts IV-VI were released first, beginning with 1977's 'A New Hope', which is still one of several of the highest grossing movies of all time that follow the Star Wars saga.
  3. Like it or not [you like it], Star Wars has moved beyond cinema to reach the likes of video games, books, TV shows, spin-off movies, role-playing games, music and cereal.
  4. Star Wars almost never happened [don't worry geeks, everthing's fine. See Other movies that almost never happened.

But Cracked, I wanna learn more about Star Wars!

Well, seeing as you've clearly never seen a Star Wars movie in your life (that would be downright embarassing!), Cracked is here to give you a vulgar and unclear run-down of what exactly went down in that galaxy far, far away.

Admit it, you've seen this screen before. Oh? You haven't? Shut up, nerd; you're not fooling anyone.

Star Wars Episode I: Phantom Menace

Some people are going to try and tell you that Episode I was nothing more than George Lucas's attempt to reel in a new generation of kids. Others will tell you it's the bastard child of shameless CGI use and shitty writing. Those people are idiots. Do not listen to them. This film is by far the best of the-

"Yousa no like meesa movie?"

Fuck, who are we kidding. Episode I is pretty much a cringe inducing spasm of shit for anyone over the age the 10. But hey it couldn't be TOO bad right? It had Liam Nielson and Natale Portman, didn't it? And Samuel L. Jackson with a lightsaber? So what went wrong?
  • Gungans. Fuck them.
  • Shitty writing. Oh what's that Geore Lucas? It isn't entirely impluasible that a 9 year old boy hides in a Naboo starfighter, then accidentally sets it off into auto-pilot to reach the main spacestation of the Trade Federation, then goes on to safely crash into said station and happens to blow up the one part neccessary to disable and destroy the entire station, thus stopping all the battle droids below on the planet in their tracks and giving the Naboo/Gungan war effort a light-hearted victory with seemingly no casualties? Yeah? Well fuck you.
  • Georgy killed off probably the most badass character to ever make his way onto the silver screen. I am of course talking about or favorite near-mute Sith Lord, Darth Maul.
Cooler than you.
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Episode I starts with Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi's [what's with these names, Lucas? Playing a lot of scrabble recently?] attempt to reach out to the bad guys. Obi and Q-Dawg's little adventure goes awry when the bad guys decide they'll have none of this Jedi trick shit and sick their battle droids on them. They espcape, blah blah blah. Okay, now we're on Naboo. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan find Jar Jar and from this point on the movie has no hope.
After meeting up with resident QILF Queen Amidala, they skee-doodle out of there and hey, wind up on Tatooine. Why the hell not. Here they meet little Annie, aka the boy who will soon co-rule the galaxy, and one podrace later they're taking the brat back to get some Jedi shit done. Turns out he's too angry to be a Jedi, though, according to Yoda. Qui-Gon has none of that shit though. Later on the Trade Federation decides to attack the Gungans, and to be honest we're rooting for them. But the Gungans fight back with balls filled with magic, so things look grim for the droid armies. Anakin decides to go on the most convenient joy-ride of his life and BOOM war over thanks to this bratty little kid. Qui-Gon gets shiskebab-ed by Darth Maul and then Obi-Wan decides to slice that cool motherfucker straight in half. Obi takes on Anakin as his apprentice, blah blah blah.
Queen Amidala, Boss Nass and the rest of those annoying fuckers on Naboo hold a parade. And that's Episode I in a nutshell.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Aaaah, Attack of the Clones. I remember racing downstairs to see the sneak peak for this movie. Good times.. good times. That preview would've made Michael Bay proud.

All I remember from the preview.

But let's get back on topic. Episode II had some things going for it that Episode I did not. For instance:

  • Jar Jar barely showed up.
  • The writing wasn't nearly as terrible. Even if George Lucas made grown up Anakin into a whining bitch.
  • A C3PO that was full of pun after pun. That droid was just a laugh making MACHINE. [See what we did there? 'Cause he's a droid? Machine? Get it?]
  • Natale Portman midriff WOOOOOO!

The C3PO thing actually was pretty god damn annoying for those of us who caught on to what Georgy was doing. But the other three stand.

Oh dear it's getting PG13 up in here y'all!

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Obi Wan and his apprentice Anakin wind up on Coruscant with Padme [aka our former QILF] and keep an eye on her after an assassination attempt fails. Blah blah blah. Basically, the only worthwhile thing that happens between here and the epic fight scene is that Obi-Wan discovers there's an army of clones just kind of kickin' it on Kamino and Anakin goes total ape shit on a bunch of Tusken Raiders.

Okay, so, Obi-Wan's on a reconaissance mission to Geonosis and things get hairy. He gets caught by Christopher Lee and denounces the dark side [good for you!]. Anakin and Padme go after him to rescue Obi from a suprisngly unthreatening Sith Lord. They get captured too, 'cause they're idiots apparently.

The Jedi Council does the most logical thing it can think of: send in every motherfucking force using motherfucker they can find and try and rescue these three people [boy, how ironic that one of the dudes they're saving eventually leads a massacre of Jedi babies! Stay tuned for more info]. That party was over. Sure enough though, 200 Jedi aren't enough to get shit done around Geonosis so an entire army of clones led by Yoda [oh, so you're not worthless after all, old man?] shows up and bails their asses out. After this nothing good happens except Anakin gets his arm cut off and Yoda shows off how he got his Little Miss Dagobah Gymnastics gold medal.

It was actually kind of silly.

Oh, and Padmes pregnant so Anakin mans up and marries her.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Now, let me just start by asking what exactly it is these Sith need revenge for. Some shit that happened before anything in the movies? Move on guys. Shit, you're all sobbing little emos aren't you?

"Nobody gets me."

Well, anyways... There's really one thing you need to understand about Episode III: Anakin is a vicious little fucker. Okay, some might say he was motivated out of love for Padme, but dude.. killing younglings? C'mon.

Episode III was Lucas's highest grossing film, and god willing he's satisfied. What would be next, CGI Star Wars Christmas Special? Either way, the movie received the best reviews from critics among the prequels, and I'd have to agree it's the best of the three. Plus it's PG-13 so at least we don't have to feel like we should be snacking of Trix yogurt while we watch it.

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Like I said, just understand that this is pretty much an entire movie devoted to why Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, and honestly it's done quite well.

BASICALLY: Anakina has a dream that Padme will die during childbirth, and he's pretty upset about it. Yoda tells him that these things happen. Well, that shit ain't good enough for Annie boy, so after a bit of coaxing by one Chancellor Palpatine/Emperor Sidious he learns that he could save Padme with some dark side voodoo shit. But then he rats on Sidious to the Jedi Council and once again Mace Windu comes by ready to crash a party. He gets fried like a fish by Sidious's lightning fingers and Anakin's the only reason why, seeing that he intervened to help the old guy who for some reason was growing increasinly ugly every time the camera focused on him.

Jazz hands!

Thus Anakin is christened Darth Vader. Apparently Sidious has the power to come up with badass names on the spot. Anyways, Sidious orders that all Jedi be killed and his clone armies are happy to oblige the chancellor's orders. Anakin makes sure there won't be any more Jedi by killing all the little kids. Yeah, at this point we have to think he isn't planning on being a very good father figure.

In the final fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan, Anakina gets p0wn3d and is left to die right next to a volcano. Sonofabitch got his legs chopped off and then was entirely caught on fire and somehow he lived. From possibly the greatest reconstructure surgery ever, he was turned into a 50% man, 50% robot, 100% James Earl Jones creation by Sidious and his robot named Dr. 9021Mustafar or something.

Padme died in child birth, unforunately, so Luke and Leia had to go their seperate ways to make sure Daddy Darth didn't find them. Robot doctor's official diagnosis for cause of death: broken heart.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

I'm just going to ignore Lucas's X number of attempts to rake in money over and over with his re-releases and versions with added special effects and focus on the one that came out in 1977. Ooooh 1977, you were a good year. So I hear, I wasn't born yet.

A New Hope is probably my personal favorite of the movies [and it should be yours too, if you know what's good for you]. It won 8 Oscars and countless other awards no one cares about. From what I've seen on the subject, Lucas was a little shakey to what the masses would think about it, but hot damn did this movie catch on.

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So there's this PILF Princess Leia and she's on the run from the evil Empire, aka the people formerly known as the good guys [keep up, will ya?]. She's hidden secret plans to destroy the world's deadliest disco ball named the Death Star ['Death Sphere' didn't have that ring to it] in what may be the greatest role of a midget in a movie ever: R2D2.

You're day just got a little better, admit it.

R2D2 winds up on Tatooine with his boyfriend C3P0 and are picked up by a group of wiccan looking midgets with light brite eyes. Luke Skylwalker and Uncle Owen head out and pick one droid up for god knows what reason and C3P0 convinces them to bring his husband along as well. R2D2 runs off crying because he needs to find some 'Obi-Wan' character, so naturally Luke and 3P0 go after his punk ass. They find him eventually and meet up with Ben Kenobi [Obi-Wan] who enjoys scaring people by making elephant noises on top of cliffs.

After some jibjab, they watch a hologram of Princess Leia asking Obi-Wan for help and to rescue her from the Death Star.

"Obi Wan: what the fuck? Come get me."

And off they go! Ahhh but wait, first they need a ship. So they make the most logical decision and look for a pilot at the nearby bar. Here's where they meet Indiana Jones and his Sasquatch compatriot. They fly off to Alderaan but OH SHIT that planet got zapped in the nads by the Death Star. So, they wind up getting sucked into the Death Star at which point they go searchin' for Leia.

"Lawlz bai bai Ald3raan!!1!!"

Guns are fired, shit goes down, trash is compacted and they get Leia the fuck out of there. Poor Ben gets.. killed?.. by Darth Vader later on, Luke cries, but guess what Luke? YOU HAVE TO GET SHIT DONE.

The Rebels use their new sneaky plans to get all up in the Death Star's shit and shoot a torpedo down it's exhaust pipe [or something]. The Death Star explodes and it's party time! Luke and Han get a medal and everyone's happy.

I mean, nothing bad's gonna happen now unless the Empire strikes back.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

...Shit.

Following Lucas's amazingly succesful first Star Wars movie, there were some doubts he could top his latest* masterpiece. But that son of a gun delivered with the story of how the Imperials track down the Rebels who are based in Hoth and goes on to Shyamalan [it can be a verb, sure] eveything we know about Star Wars with the Galaxy's most dramatic paternity issue.

*only

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Key points for Episode V:

  • Hoth gets invaded and the Rebels have to get the hell out of there.
  • Luke Skywalker decides to go visit Yoda on Dagobah; is suprised that the strongest Jedi in the Galaxy is a puppet.
  • The only black character in the entirity of the original three movies betrays Han and company on Cloud City. Georgy, you trying to say something? Racist prick.
  • Luke leaves his training to go and rescue his pals, but Han's already been frozen in carbonite.
  • Darth Vader and Luke duke it out lightsaber style; Luke gets hand chopped off; Vader declares he is Luke's father in one of the most memorable movie twists/quotes of all time; Luke cries a little or something afterwards.

"Join me, and I'll take you to Toys R Us!"

"I'm a twenty something year old man, father."

"... and a puppy, I'll get you a puppy too!"

Trivia!Actor Des Webb's closest thing to a starring role in a movie was playing the Wampa on Hoth.

What a career.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Here already. It seems like we just started our journey through the Star Wars movies. Good times. Things got vulgar, things got drawn out, but here we are. The final Star Wars movie. This is serious business. So focus everyone, it's time t-

"Yub yub!"

GOD DAMNIT Wicket, I'm trying to set a serious atmosphere here.

The grand finale of the Star Wars saga was released to theatres on the 25th of May in the year 1983, 6 years after A New Hope. Once again nerds lined the outside of theatres dressed as their favorite character to see the premiers at their closest theatres. It was time to see the conclusion to the saga they'd been following for six years.

Return of the Jedi has it's great parts, has it's memorable parts, sure. Unfortunately though it may be Lucas's first attempt to get cutesy with his audience. I mean, look at that guy up there, fucking adorable [okay not really but imagine two dozen of these fuckers huddled around speaking jibberish and you have half the movie]. One way or another Lucas provided us with closure in Episode VI. Although, this closure sure isn't what Mark Hamill's career wanted.

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Han Solo needed to be rescued after being part of Jabba the Hutt's decor for a while. Once Lando decided to not be an ass, him, Leia, Chewie and the droids go and find him.

Han Solo: galactic scoundrel, coffee table

Things go bad, as they often seem to do in the Star Wars universe [unless you're a nine year old douche who just won an entire fucking war from a series of annoyingly convenient events, one after another.. I'm sorry, I need to let it go]. The newly pimped out Jedi Knight Luke comes in and bails 'em all out. And at some point during this whole shin-dig, Carrie Fisher's in a metal bikini.

The force is strong with HER, if you know what I mean.

Later on in the film, Leia and company are on the moon of Endor trying to find the Imperial satelite dish or something. Apparently the best way to defeat an evil Empire is to make sure they can't watch the Raiders-Packers game. Thing's don't go according to plan though, and they encounter some resistance and help is needed.

But oh shit!, Luke's been captured [sort of] by Darth Vader and his posse of minstrels and mad-men, leading to his final confrontation with Vader. Luke decides his daddy won't get any mercy from him and chops his hand square off in their struggle.

"YOU NEVER CAME TO MY T-BALL GAMES."

Luke hands Vader his ass, but denies the Emperor when he proposes Luke be his new bitch. Naturally, Sidious pulls out his spirit fingers again zaps Luke like a fork in a socket.

Darth Vader comes to the rescue though, showing that even in the evilest of villains some good can exist [lame]. Emperor Sidious is tossed down a never ending tube of emptiness and Vader falls to the ground, at which point Luke takes off his helmet to reveal that Vader really has just been a pastey white fat guy the entire time.

Meanwhile, Leia and the gang defend the Rebel base thanks in part to teddy bears of destruction and their advanced technology [Georgy, you cannot convince me that a grown man in a suit of high-tech armor is going to be taken down 'cause a sentient chipmunk threw a rock at him]. But, nevertheless, the Rebels win and celebrations begin!

HOLD ON MOTHERFUCKERS THERE'S STILL A DEATH STAR.

No worries though, the Rebel Alliance now has an entire fucking fleet of fucking starships ready to fucking tear that fucker to pieces. FUCK. It won't be easy, but all they have to do is get someone to fly through a little passage all the way towards the center of the moon-sized space craft and fire a laser or something at it. Naturally no one wanted to do it, thou-

Billy Dee Williams, you mad man! Equipped with the trusty ole Millenium Falcon and a handicapped co-pilot, Lando Calrissian get's the job done and the Death Star goes KABOOM for one last time.

Star Wars Episode VI ends with a galaxy wide celebration of what we can only assume included debauchery, inter-species sex, spice snorting, illegal sabacc games and human-CGI orgies.

And we wouldn't have it any other way.