Team Fortress 2

Got corperate issues? Your boss got your down? Maybe you're attempting world domination? Time to call in...the Team.

The Team Fortress 2 Problem Solving Chart

Vis-vous, ing�©nieur! Et votre garde, elle aussi!

Just The Facts

  1. Team Fortress 2 is an enjoyable experience for the whole family!
  2. Team Fortress 2 is also a constantly updating experience that many will find entertaining for years to come! Until...Valve makes Team Fortress 3 or Left4Dead 7.
  3. Spies are fucking everywhere. Spies are fucking dicks, too. Write that down.

RED & BLU: Equal Opportunity Employers

RED and BLU: 2 companies fighting over world domination decided to hire a group of mercenaries to fight on their behalf amongst the various sites of these nefarious, espionage-ish goings-on. Also, did I mention these mercenaries are fresh from the asylum? These soldiers, all crazier than Charles Manson and with enough bloodlust to make Jason go, "FUCK", are on a seemingly non-existant payroll (Maybe they get paid in the hearts of their enemies?) and tend to shout things at random, like some form of phrase-based tourrets. Not to mention that there are no women among them and only one black guy.

It's obvious that these companies are also large enough to support huge cloning facilities and weapon factories, producing these soldiers on an assembly line like huge dolls, to be sent out to die. The corpses of which, in number, could probably feed every 3rd World Country for the next 20 years if they could just get over the urine-soaked frenchmen and the scotch-soaked...scotsman.

Though, to be fair to RED and BLU, to've hired these soldiers in the first place really commends their dedication to hiring every tom, dick, harry, and crazy that walks into their recruitment offices.

"Welcome aboard, Mister...Mmmfmmf?"

"Welcome aboard, Mister...Mrrphmrph?"

Then again, some were probably better left in padded, non-flammable rooms.

RUN, COWARDS!: A Study in Mentality

When you think of the Team Fortress 2 soldiers, many often miss the total scope of the mental and/or physical illnesses each one presents.

  • SCOUT: Hyperactivity, ADD, and most likely some form of tourrets.
  • SOLDIER: From appearances, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome brought on by the sounds of explosions and gunfire. Most likely imagines he's killing commies and 'charlies'.
  • PYRO: Pyromaniacal tendancies. Also appears to get a sick form of pleasure from such actions.
  • DEMOMAN: Alchoholism and a perverse obsession with explosives.
  • HEAVY: Appears to have a desperate case of Fetishism towards his large gun, Sasha. Also, possible case of Sadism.
  • MEDIC: Definite case of Sadism.
  • ENGINEER: Arrogence, possibly founded by his above-average intellect.
  • SNIPER: Crazed gunman. Judging by his ability to fill a mason jar in 30 seconds, multiple times per day, it stands that he also has a prostate the size of a basketball. Possible urophilia, too.
  • SPY: Arrogence and an extreme dislike of the Engineer, leading to stalking and obsession.

It's very probable that this doesn't even cover half of the problems these people experience. I doubt there's a psychology book in the world to help determine the full scope of problems with these mercenaries...

Fuck, this won't help at all!

This book offers no help. Look away.