New York Yankees

The New York Yankees are an extremely successful pro baseball team. According to baseball fans not from the NY metro area, they are also responsible for the global recession, Dick Cheney's birth, and every single Kansas City Royal's loss since 1992.

Interesting Side Note:  Vader was a career .275 hitter

Just The Facts

  1. The New York Yankees are the most successful North American sports franchise in any of the major sports, having won 26 World Series and 39 AL Pennants. Basically they were the popular rich guy in high school who got every girl, went to Harvard, and had a Wilt Chamberlain-esque schlong
  2. Their biggest rivals are the Boston Red Sox, who have proven immitation is the sincerest form of flattery by using the tried and true Yankee method of winning by spending Hati's GDP on their yearly salary.
  3. If the Yankees organization was a person, they would be a mix of Bill Gates, Chuck Norris, and Gen.George Patton.
  4. A $206 million dollar payroll is a concrete example of the truthfulness of the phrase "Anyone who says money can't buy happiness dosen't fucking have any!"

1903-2000: Winning All the Time is the Best

From their first season in New York in 1903, known as the Highlanders, to their 1999 championship season where they were known as...uh...the Yankees, winning was pretty much what went down in the Bronx. (This is true, of course, only if you address any conversation about the 1980's with the "cover your ears with your hands and run around screaming" technique.) Essentially, each superstar of Yankee history reigned over their own period of dominance.

Babe Ruth Era(1920-1933)

He led the league in virtually every category, including waist size and BAC, all while raking in championship trophies like the only Asian at a mathelete competition. He eventually got fat and old and ate his way into blissfull retirement.

Joe Dimaggio Era (1936-1951)

Gave young Italian boys all over New York hope that one day they too could play pro sports and bang Marilyn Monroe. Joltin' Joe did his thing, won some championships, and broke the fuck out like a rash. Something about a foriegn conflict briefly concerned some people during this time, but it was of little importance to anyone in America.

Mickey Mantle Era (1951-1964)

Absolutely ran shit. Had the money, the fame, and the undoubtedly large penis.[citation needed] During this time more baseball groupies were infected with genital herpes than any other time period in history. Oh and in regards to this winning thing that they like to do? Seven championships were added during this time, which is more than all but two other teams complete totals. So yeah, suck on that losers.

George Steinberner is Out of His Mind Era(1973-1981)

It was during this magical time that America was lucky enough to have a manical shipbuilder named George Steinberner buy a majority stake in the team and proceed to create an atmosphere about as stable as the Liberian economy. Guys like Reggie Jackson and Thurman Munson brought the Yanks back to their favorite spot, at the top, and times were good in New York...well besides the whole horrific crime and drug rates that infected the city and threatened to turn the city into what Detroit is today.

The 80's

LaLaLaLa!! I can't hear you!

The Yo Let's Just Win Every Fuckin' Year Era (1996-2000)

This period of dominance was highlighted by the 1998 season, where the Yankees basically took turns gangbanging every team in the league on their way to winning 114 games and bukkake-ing the San Diego Padres to win the World Series that year.

2001-Present: Expensive Mediocracy

You might as well call the Yankees the Patriots(don't) because they spend money like the US government in the midst of a hellish coke addiction. Sadly this tactic has resulted in 0 World Series titles in the New Millineum. In fact, in this decade alone the Yank's have spent over 1.29 Billion (yes, with a B) dollars on payroll, larger than the GDP of Grenada and Samoa combined. This fact is in direct relation to the fact that all Yankee team flights serve starving oprhans as the entree for the in flight meal.

Bet you wish you threw a curveball, huh?

New Yankee Stadium

2009 Was chosen to be the lucky year for the opening of the Yankees new stadium, which convieniently shares a name with its predecessor. Sadly, the Yankees forgot that everyone else dosen't shit on golden toilets and wipe their ass with $20 bills, which is odd when you consider that THEY PLAY IN THE FUCKING BRONX. Nevertheless, no matter how sore one's ass is after being anally raped by the new stadium's prices, we can all agree that it's better than being in Detroit. No seriously, fuck Detroit.