Montreal

Located in the faraway land of Quebec, it is known for its party-everyday, weed-smoking and english-hating reputation. It's also famous for attracting douches from all over North America to drink legally at the tender age of 18.

Bienvenue a Montreal!

Typical Montreal mating attire

Just The Facts

  1. Proudly Considered by pretentious art students as the most 'European' city in North America
  2. 50% of its population is made up of dirty vegan hippies
  3. Other 50% is hot women and American tourist douchbags

Festival & Activities

"Montreal? Isn't it that city in Canada with all those weird clowns and jugglers all over the streets?" Yes, it can pretty much be summed up to that. However, Montreal gets even weirder than that mushroom-induced trip you got from the popcorn you bought at that Cirque du Soleil show that one time(a Montreal-based circus). Imagine tripping balls to that shit!

Scientifically accurate depiction of events

Montreal is known as the most 'cultural' city in North America. If by 'cultural' you mean 'let's get as many people out on the streets drunk'. It holds so many festivals during the summer that inhabitants can't even sleep without hearing all the outdoor concerts and annoying tourists.

"You better make everything American for 2 whole months!" "You better make everything American for 2 whole months!"

They practically hold a festival for anything you can think of. Just to mention some, the most popular festivals are the Just for Laughs comedy festival, the International Jazz Festival of Montreal, Formula 1, Montreal World Film Festival, Fantasia Film Festival, Montreal Fireworks Festival, and many more for every subject imaginable(more than I care to link to). It is speculated that they might start the "Let's drink and fuck as much as possible" festival, but it hasn't been confirmed yet.

Weed

Awesome fact about Montreal: They absolutely adore weed. It's like Montreal's catnip(and who doesn't love to smoke some of that Cat-herb?) Even cops love it so much, they'll arrest anyone so they can get their fix.

Average Montreal cops Average Montreal cops

Marijuana is such a favorite around town that stoners even got their own clandestine little meet-up place every Sunday. At the foot of Montreal's highest hill, the Mont-Royal, they hold a thing they originally called Tam-Tams, where a bunch of hippies gather to play drums and dance as embarrassingly as possible, and a bunch of nerds pretend to medieval fight with styrofoam swords. It's nothing short of awesome and magic[brownies].

"Want to take a hit of my bong? It's right down here in my pants..." "Want to take a hit of my bong? It's right down here in my pants..."

Language

Sadly, every city of magic and hot women has its downside. Keeping up with Europe's tradition of English vs. French, Quebec had this problem with English speakers ever since the English took over a large percentage of Canada. In 1969, when every rebel douche bag thought Che Guevara was Jesus reborn, the Front de libération du Québec(Quebec Liberation Front or FLQ), decided to bomb some mailboxes to fight for equal opportunities in the then mainly English-speaking Montreal. They went from bombing to actually kidnapping 2 government officials, Canadian Pierre Laporte and British trade commissioner James Cross.

The Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau then got pissed and threathened the FLQ with the badass words "Just watch me[motherfuckers]", and sent hundreds of Canada's soldiers to Montreal to beat the shit of anyone who spoke French and, unquestionably, HAD to have some link to the FLQ. The War Measures Act, never before used in a time of peace in Canada, was a not-so-badass move by the Prime minister to scare the members(and the whole French population of Montreal) to surrender. I guess he forgot that the FLQ were batshit crazy.

In another not-so-smart move, the FLQ decides to murder Pierre Laporte(a French-speaker) and leave him in the trunk of a car in an airport parking lot. A few days later, they let James Cross(the English-speaker) go home to his English-speaking family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that move was as ironic as if the suffragettes suddenly decided to beat each other up for a man.

"Give me my language rights, bitch!" "Give me my language rights, bitch!"

After all that contradiction, language laws came out to protect French culture and language. Bill 101 is a law passed soon after the incidents that basically forces all immigrants to go to French schools without a choice(No French=No work). It also makes the French font in signs at least twice the size as the English one(if there is any English at all), and gives everyone an excuse to be a dick to anyone who doesn't speak French.

I propose something; How about everyone just learns the two languages? If Montreal calls itself 'European', then they should do as Europeans do and speak at least 2 languages per person. Problem solved! I'll be expecting my Nobel Prize in the mail soon.

On a lighter note...

You know what cheers me up after realizing the hypocrisy of today's politics?

Did I mention Montreal has a vast array of HOT WOMEN?

I feel much better now :) .