The Brady Bunch

Between 1969 and 1974, People were having the best time in the history of everything. They were dropping acid, partying hard and fucking like rabbits. If they were cool, that is. If they weren't, they were watching The Brady Bunch. Or in 'Nam

LSD? Is that a kind of detergent?

Just The Facts

  1. Two single parents each raising three children marry each other, and they become one happy family with only minor, humorous problems. Just like in real life.
  2. The Brady Bunch theme song has become a part of the national culture, just like the Marlboros, Jack Daniels, and other wholesome family shit.
  3. The Brady Bunch never got high ratings, and never won any awards. The show gained in popularity in later years, as televisions became more readily available to depressed Baby Boomers.

It's the story of a man named Brady...

Before more effective forms of contraception were developed, people had to be careful because fucking often led to horrible diseases. By the middle of the twentieth centruy, however, most of these known STDs could be easily treated and cured with the exception of two: syphilis and babies. Because middle class American women never, ever, get secret abortions, Mike Brady and Carol Martin found themselves respectively stuggling to raise three children. This was especially hard for Carol, whose "homemaker" salary was hardly sufficeint to raise three girls (the show is careful to avoid discussing this period in her life).

"Of course I'm smiling now! I used to put food on the table with blowjobs."

Luckily, Carol was saved from the bleak future ahead by the love of a young small-time architect in a similar situation. Mike Brady married Carol, making him responsible for the livelihood of eight people (and Alice makes nine). This was no biggie, though. Everybody loved each other and it was awesome because Mike somehow made tons of money, despite spending substantial time away from his office.

"I'm always home from the office by 4:00 to play with the kids and help with dinner. Oh, and I sell coke on the side."

Of course this all happened in the wonderful, fanciful world of television, where anything is possible. The Brady Bunch was the second show created by Sherwood Schwartz, whose first idea had been a light-hearted show about a cold-hearted Professor who could make a Geiger counter out of coconuts but refused to fix his friend's shipwrecked boat.

"And give up all that sweet Mary Anne booty? Fuck you, Gilligan."

"This group must somehow form a family..."

The Bradys had problems just like the rest of us. The occasional conflict between the children, school and work issues, plus the strain of keeping a wholesome loving family together when the raging hormones of two boys and two girls in their teens are put in a house together and told they can't even make out a little.

"I'm sorry, mom, but Jan was bending over to get that pencil and it's not like we're really related..."

But Mike and Carol hardly noticed all this sexual tension among their children because they were busy having sweet unprotected sex all the time. See, the birth control pill had finally been invented, and so they could finally push the beds together without fear of more mouths to feed.

"Gee, darling. I'm so glad I can bust all up in those guts."

This steady stream of nightly orgasms allowed the Brady parents to help their children find wholesome and moral solutions to their problems. They were aided in this task by a middle-aged lesbian who they paid to clean up after them.

"The paycheck makes me forget no one loves me!"

"After the acid wore off, we just wanted to relax and watch the Brady Bunch."

The show spawned many spin-offs and the actors on the show became forever identified by their Brady characters. Some chose to avoid the spotlight in their post-Brady years, while others like Christopher Knight parleyed their Brady fame into lives of unlimited happiness and good fortune.

"I host a show based on a board game! My wife is half my age! Livin' the dream, baby!"

Robert Reed, who played Mike Brady, was upset that his Shakespearen acting training had been wasted by his identification as the Brady patriarch. Apparently he often questioned his character's motivation and offered suggestions to the show's producers. However, he seemed to be alright with going along with the Brady phenomenon and reprised his role in various spin-offs.

"Well, at least I won't die of two kinds of cancer. And AIDS."

The Brady Legacy

Perhaps the most interesting thing about the show is that most Americans are familiar with it yet can barely remember the details of any particular episode. There are 3 main things most people remember (besides the annoying-as-all-fuck theme song):

1. "Marcia Marcia Marcia!"

2. This scene:

3. "Something suddenly came up!"

Wait, there's a fourth thing. Cousin Oliver. Famous for being the Yoko Ono of family sitcoms, Cousin Oliver appeared in the last four episodes of the show, apparently single-handedly pissing off every person in America in the process.

What a dick.