The Baldwins

The Baldwins are the Hollywood equivalent of a biker gang. They're semi-organized, they appear unclean and the things they do are, by and large, unpleasant.

This is how Baldwins are constructed in China

Just The Facts

  1. The Baldwins are a quartet of interchangeable brothers who act.
  2. Alec Baldwin probably supports the rest of his family
  3. If Billy Baldwin ever dies, it will likely take many moons to reach this page for an update to take place

Stephen Baldwin

Stephen in the brother who looks most like he'd piss on your toilet seat then deny it afterwards, even if no one else had used the bathroom that day and everyone knew it.

Arguably Stephen's three biggest film roles were in The Usual Suspects, Bio-Dome and The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas. One of these things is not like the others.

Outside of direct to video film, Stephen is also most well known for making far too many appearances on reality TV shows like I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, Celebrity Apprentice and two times on Celebrity: Mole. All three of these shows play fast and loose with their definition of celebrity.

Stephen has the initials HM tattooed on his shoulder. It stands for Hannah Montana. Hannah Fucking Montana.

In late July, 2009 Stephen filed for bankruptcy. It is assumed this refers to the financial kind, and not the spiritual or moral kind. On an unrelated note, here is actual video of Stephen Baldwin debating marijuana legalization with Ron Paul. Seriously.

Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin is better known as the Baldwin you recognize. Despite making a name for himself in his private life as a blustering windbag of an asshat, Alec has managed to work steadily and not entirely suck for much of his career. His television show 30 Rock is actually barely hated.

Earlier highlights of his career include starring in Beetlejuice and the Adventures of Pluto Nash. Remember that scene in Beetlejuice when they made everyone sing the Banana Boat song at dinner? It's way cooler in Spanish. Fuck yeah!

Wait, is this Italian? Meh, it's foreign.

Billy Baldwin

You wouldn't recognize Billy Baldwin if he fell on you from space.

Who the fuck am I?

Daniel Baldwin

Daniel is the Baldwin you'll recognize as the one who appears to have just eaten several hamburgers and is now sleepy but being kept awake by chest pains.

Like brother Stephen, Daniel has taken refuge on reality TV, starring alongside his brother in I'm a Celebrity..Get Me Out of Here as well as appearing on Celebrity Fit Club and Celebrity Rehab.

Here's Daniel Baldwin's life being equated with a heaping pile of shit in four minutes and twenty-two seconds.