Vegans

Religious Vegans

Some religions espouse veganism as a core principle; Some types of Buddhism and Hinduism are a couple of examples. We will leave them alone, because they are long held beliefs, thousands of years old and probably are on to something since both religions are popular in countries with billion+ populations. (Although perhaps cannibalism isn't such a bad idea for them.)

Most others, however, are Christian splinter groups and cults like the Seventh Day Adventists, who we will call a bunch of twisted quasi-hippy weirdos.

Ethical Vegans

This is the other major group of vegans, the on that encompasses PETA and, well PETA. We're pretty sure that if you are white and a vegan, you are automatically in PETA anyway, so why not lump them together? This kind of vegan is typically a self-righteous angry hippy type that wears sandals and has a bumper sticker that says "Enlighten up" while ironically lacking any ability to laugh at anything ever.

Vegans can be recognized by their piercing, birdlike cries of "Meat is murder!", sometimes while waving around sign made of dead tree nailed to more dead tree. Vegans are immune to irony.

While loud and shrill, most vegans are brittle and weak, lacking many of the essential vitamins in their diet like deliciousness and protein. Oddly enough, most vegans do not consider bugs worthy of their protection, citing that they don't believe they feel pain. This absolves them of feeling like hypocritical assholes when they swat flies or kill spiders for being inconvenient.

Eating Vegans isn't cannibalism since Vegans are fruit.

It is important to realize that this type of vegan exists because they feel bad about hurting animals; implying that if you could prove to them that you killed a cow without it suffering in the slightest (like say, you threw lightning at it), they would gladly hunker down for a big bloody steak. This is actually bullshit and they mostly just like to feel superior, although a good many are over-sentimental crybabies.

Further showing their immunity to irony is the existance of vegan meat products (more below). This shows that while they believe meat is murder, they also agree that it is tasty.

Ass-Kicking Vegans

This is an ultra-rare type of vegan; the kind that not only isn't a smelly suck-bag but actually manages to be awesome AND a vegan. There are several examples in the animal kingdom (Bulls, elephants) but in the realm of humankind, all we have found are Shaolin Monks and Christian Bale. We're pretty sure an army of Kung-Fu monks lead by Batman could easily defeat any other army in the world, so we humbly bow our heads to them. (Then watch them kick-ass from the sidelines while eating a burger)

We can rest easy knowing our Big-Macs are safe thanks to Batman and his Shaolin-Batmonks.

Fake meat is important to consider; while it proves vegans are immune to irony, it also proves that God is not.

Facon:

Fake bacon... Strips of dried out tofu-like shit flavored with smoke. They forgot bacon tastes like smoked pig, not just hickory flavored cigarettes.

Fake Sausage:

If your first reaction at seeing this is "Jesus, that looks like shit", you are right, it does. It took some fact checking, but sure enough, that is vegan sausage, not a close-up of a turd.

Fake Chicken (Nuggets):

Try getting kids to eat something that tastes like bland chicken broth and is grey...

Tofu-Dogs:

They look like hot dogs, but they taste like paste and have the texture of warm play-doh.

Tofurkey:

All we can say is... What the fuck? If you serve this at Thanksgiving, your family is allowed to kill and eat you.