Writing

Writing was invented by the Sumerians around 3000 BC. The first piece of emo poetry was published in Sumeria in BC 2998.

I am bored with the wheel
The new toy to amuse the masses
They want to get places faster
They don't know that there is nowhere worth going
Like the Vulture, I stay in one place
Circle and circle, and wait for death

The basis of all writing is the Latin alphabet, which was invented by the ancient Romans and passed down to us over the centuries. As the basis of all human knowledge, it was painstakingly copied out by scribes into priceless books, century after century. But the scribes would definitely have considered the repetitive, eyesight-destroying work worth it if they had known that their efforts would one day contribute to millions of people being able to write hilarious captions across the bottom of cat pictures.

Many countries around the world. still like to pretend that they have different forms of writing other than the Latin alphabet. They should just give it up, already.

Okay, guys. The joke's getting old

Not everyone can write. Someone who cannot read or write is called illiterate. If you suspect that you might be illiterate take a moment to take this simple test.

Literacy Test

Take out a piece of paper and a pencil or pen. Read the following section and write your answer down on your paper.

Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to read or write, but were unable to because you are illiterate?

Scoring:

Look at what you wrote. If you answered "Yes," or "I can't take this test because I can't read or write," you may be illiterate. See a doctor immediately. Don't touch any children.

Many people on the internet want to write for profit. If you want to do this, the first thing to remember is that you should never actually write anything. It will take away valuable time that could be spent telling women you are a writer in order to get them into bed.

If you insist on actually writing something, try not to do it very quickly. You must extend the time that you are writing anything for as long as possible, because if you finish it you will lose one conversation topic that may help in getting women to go to bed with you.

Extending the writing time will give you a lot of time to think of an idea. What do you want to write about? What interests you? Hint: if it is dinosaurs, you will probably not get a lot of women who want to go to bed with you.

While most of the movies Hollywood puts out are written by marmosets, the movie industry is required by law to release a certain quota of movies every year written by human writers. Then when nobody goes to see these movies, they can write the losses off as a charitable donation.

The author of X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Because such a small number of writers can work in Hollywood, competition is fierce. If your goal is writing movies, you will need to find a way in. A lot of hopefuls attempt to meet people in the industry and "network." Producers do not like this because every time they go to a party they are swarmed by writers. In the early 60's movie producers started carrying "Writer Sticks." They hit writers with them.

Writer Stick

The best method of getting a job as a screenwriter is blackmail. Blackmail is what makes Hollywood run, and producers will appreciate the fact that you can speak their language.

Most of the articles you read here on Cracked were made by writers. If you have an idea for an article of your own you can sign up here. Cracked is also looking for writers for Topic Pages, like the one you are reading right now. You can sign up here for that. Competition is fierce, but you can get around it by sending a quick email to one of the Cracked editors mentioning 'the incident at Black Lake.'

For more on writing for Cracked, see 3 Ridiculous Reasons Cracked Has Rejected My Articles.