Hugh Jackman

Hugh Jackman, Australian actor/ass kicker, probably wouldn't have his own Topic page if it weren't for his transendent role as Wolverine, as the following pie graph shows:

An actual survey performed on fake people. In Australia.

No one is safe from that beard. Seen here: Wolverine using his mind powers to explode illegal immigrants. You're welcome, border control.

Hugh Jackman emerges from the water, after fighting off a horde of hungry sharks.

Just The Facts

  1. It's impossible to discern Hugh Jackman's true mother's identity at this time, as nearly half of the Aussie female community, and even some of the male community, claims to have birthed Jackman.
  2. Despite being a whole foot taller than the comic book character Wolverine, Jackman proved he was the man for the job by stabbing Dougary Scott with his pointy hair.
  3. Every person on earth either wants to be Hugh Jackman, or have sex with him. But not both, because that's a little thing called masturbation. And we already have too much of that.
  4. In 1996, Jackman was hypnotized by a sorceress, and forced to marry her against his will. We know her by her mortal name, Deborra-Lee Furness.

Mini Biography

Hugh Jackman comes from the magical land of Australia, which is also known for the unique (read: retarded) half mammals known as marsupials, amusing-to-imitate accents, and the world's largest rock.

This shit is too stupid to make up.

This shit is too stupid to make up.

After graduating from the University of Sydney with a communications degree and realizing that it would get him absolutely nowhere, he tried acting, which he found is actually very easy when you're that handsome.

His smile melts the hearts of fangirls...and the faces of Nazis.

Hugh has never won an Oscar, a Tony, or even a Goddamn Teen Choice Award, but he HAS won The Australian Star Of The Year Award, which is says that people care...just not here.

In his free time, Jackman likes to occupy middle age housewives' sexual fantasies and beat up people who think he's from America. Which is everyone who's ever seen X-men (more on that next).

Lately though, Hugh Jackman has been seen gracing the covers of People's Sexiest Man Alive issue and hosting the 2009 Academy Awards, dancing and singing until the audience seriously questioned his sexuality.


Wolverine's got everything going for him. He's sexy (oh, the beard!), badass, and fucking invincible. Seriously. His skeleton and claws are coated in adamantium, which is Marvel's way of saying you have a better chance of breaking Chuck Norris' knuckles.

And even if his opponent gets lucky (though it's same to say that anyone who winds up facing Wolverine probably broke enough mirrors in his lifetime to side a house) and manages to so much as puncture his flesh, he shouldn't celebrate just yet. In the next instant, the poor mofo be on his back, watching as Wolverine's pitiful "cut" heals before his own multiple stab wounds seal his inevitable. Cold. Death. Wolverine 1, underdog 0.

While all that ass-kicking is fine and dandy, it doesn't appeal straight women. A recent survey by Fox News found that the consensus among single ladies is that violence is bad "unless Edward is saving Bella from one of those bad vampires." So why would any female ever go see an X-men movie again?

Now I remember.

Throughout the threequel and prequel X-men movies, Wolverine is pretty much A. shirtless, B. wearing a badass motorcycle jacket, or C. wrapped in a form fitting spandex onesie. Rawr. Even cigar smoking, lusting over scary redheads (that means you, Jean), and generally pissing off all the other mutants wasn't enough to dissuade the legions of fangirls that hunger for his love.

Above: probably didn't help.

Obviously Jackman realized he scored big here, as he went on to play Wolverine in 4 movies, raking in $786,345,851 in the U.S. alone. That's enough money for Hugh to actually hire Nazi doctors to actually invent adamantium and actually graft it to his skeleton. Or build a really nice swimming pool. Up yours, Dougary Scott.

Oh, and good news children: X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 was announced to release in 2011 (throws confetti).

Van Helsing (and Other Lesser Characters)

Van Helsing

One could say Wolverine's one weakness would be his early onset Alzheimer's, or rather, his inability to remember a goddamn thing. Which, you could argue, is strength, because everyone's had moments (and office parties) they'd like to forget. But as odd as this trait is, Hugh has played not one, but two characters who suffer from chronic memory loss:

Meet Gabriel (snicker) Van Helsing. He gets off on tracking down trolls, werewolves, and the occasional bloodsucker because some guy from the church told him to.

Sadly, No.

With the help of Carl the Friar, Kate Beckinsdale-In-A-Corset, and a heavy duty bottle of conditioner, Van Helsing manages to kill Dracula and his three wives, setting an example for polygamists everywhere. Oh, and the only way for him to do so was to get half naked. Unfortunately, critics weren't wooed by his wonderful accent. Hey, at least his hair was frizz free.

It's okay man, not all movies are a hit.

Robert Angier (The Prestige)

In The Prestige, Jackman puts the "vengeance against a frenemy" in the word "magician." How? He's a magician, dammit. That's right folks, this movie is about magic tricks. Based on this alone, I doubt would have seen this movie if it didn't star Wolverine, Batman, his butler, and, of course, David Butt-fucking Bowie.

Ziggy Stardust? Genius!

The movie goes on to describe Jackman's character's growing hate for Christian Bale aka Batman, for, among other things, killing his wife, breaking his leg, and stealing his fangirls. Well, at least there's a happy ending.


Oh, and he even takes off his shirt. But you've already seen enough of that.

Adventures in Animation

In 2006, Hugh Jackman had a mid life crisis or royally screwed up his head. Either way, he lent his voice to two animated movies: Happy Feet and Flushed Away, where he plays a singing father penguin and a pompous rat, respectively.

Maybe he was trying to appeal to a younger audience. Or maybe he was pissed about having to shave his head in The Fountain.

Without his hair and beard, he is powerless. and looks retarded.

Drover (Australia)

Australia is the true story of Jackman's life growing up in pre-World War II kangaroo county. Befriending Aborigenes, driving a herd of 2,000 cattle, and escaping no-good Japs and their bombs was an everyday occurence.

This was too.