Smurfs

Smurfs. Everyone's favorite blue-skinned midgets, anti-feminist Marxists, and all-around gayest creatures to be really popular on TV.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgent

Smurf costumes...making the blind feel lucky since 1981.

And they were also a comic. I can't see how this helps any kind of reasonable society.

Just The Facts

  1. Smurfs are tiny, blue, 8" tall dwarfs (approximately 1.5-2 Courics). They all wear elf hats and are incapable of anything remotely cool.
  2. Smurfs live in mushrooms. I'm not sure how living in a mushroom makes communism seem good.
  3. In 2009, 451 people gathered in England to set a world record for most people dressed as Smurfs. God cried.

The Smurfs Are Commies

The Smurfs captured America's heart, while training it about the goods of communism and, simultaneously, inspiring legions of regrettable Halloween costumes and world record attempts, the first time such a thing has been accomplished since the infamous seminar wherein Stalin wore a frog suit and shredded the air guitar. The Smurfs came decked with their own absurdly unique and individual names including, uh, Farmer Smurf, Chef Smurf, Painter Smurf. Oh hell, they're just named after their occupation or stereotypical archetype. Some even get stuck with monikers like Lazy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, and Fuckugly Smurf [citation needed]. How does anyone intend to get ahead in life with a name like Clumsy Smurf? Well maybe that's the point. In this Smurf Village, everyone wears the same outfit, speaks the same way, and exists only to better the whole village. You are there to do one job, and if you're destined to be Grouchy Smurf, well hitch up your pants and be the best damn pissed off dwarf you can be.

In every political society (and crazy religious cults!) there is always one head crazy in charge. The Commies had Karl Marx and the Smurfs have Papa Smurf. You can tell he's the leader because he's old. Age and seniority trump skill any day. Advancement by skill is for capitalists, and the Smurfs don't follow this capitalist bullshit. More importantly than age though is the beard on this great man-dwarf. If there's one thing that garners respect (and mad vagina), it's a beard that could choke a lion. Look at who else has one. Marx himself has an incredible one, Rutherford B. Fucking Hayes, and even Gandalf. Gandalf himself could fuck you six ways from Sunday before you could even figure out which orifice he violated. Moral of the story: be like Papa Smurf, grow a beard, get respect, rule over tiny people. Maybe 50 Cent wouldn't have needed to get shot to gain a reputation if he had just fostered a massive mane of facial forest instead.

Fuck those are cool beards.

Beards. The catalyst of success.

What kind of socio-political communist allegory would this be without taking shots at the evil that is capitalist America. Luckily for this children's TV show, kids can mock their favorite country with the bumbling villain Gargamel. He does everything in his power to kill the Smurfs, because he's vile, greedy, and only cares about himself. JUST LIKE AMERICA. What does he hope to do with the Smurfs that necessitates killing them. Well, he'd like to either turn them to gold (terrible idea, you alchemist shit) or eat them (why? they'd be bony and lacking in meat. eat cows instead; they're delicious!). The problem is, he's incompetent. According to Wikipedia, the Smurfs are only "three apples tall." This implies that Gargamel could wipe them by taking a stroll through village and giving each one a light kick. Or maybe a quick run-through with a leaf-blower is in order? C'mon Gargamel, you're making America look bad.

The Smurfs Are The Ultimate Sausagefest

Watch an episode of the Smurfs one day and take a look around at the population distribution. We're lucky to live in a society where our genders are spread approximately evenly. The poor Smurfs aren't so fortunate. In the whole series, there were only 2 females (Smurfette and Sassette) and approximately 104 males. Assuming a monogamous society, this means that less than 2% of the populalation will ever get laid. Or they could roll out a Mormon-style relationship, in which case Smurfette is an absurdly prolific whore. This seems to be the situation that is assumed for all of the Smurf-themed pornos out there.

Damn you Google. Damn you to hell.
Damn you Google. Damn you to hell.

Given this inauspicious set-up, it can generally be assumed that Smurfs either reproduce homosexually or, better yet, are asexual. Let this thought run through your head as you sip your morning coffee. Asexual Smurf budding. Yeah, that's gonna fuck with your productivity at work today.