Professional Wrestling

Professional Wrestling used to be a sport, the way Santa Claus used to be a person. Since we're all grown up, we know it's just a male soap opera with guys dressed in tights rolling around on the ground with other guys.

How many people like wrestling?  That many.

Just The Facts

  1. Professional wrestling started as a sideshow in travelling carnivals.
  2. Sometimes clowns and midgets are featured in professional wrestling events.
  3. Travelling carnivals are now sideshows in pro wrestling.
  4. We're still waiting on elephants to get in the ring.

The History of 'Rasslin'

Many people think that a man named Vince McMahon invented pro wrestling. They are wrong. Wrestling was invented by his grandfather, Roderick James McMahon, sometime in the early nineteen hundreds. There are tales of wrestling being around before that time, but we don't care about prehistoric things. There are stories about electricity being around for a long time, too, but we all know Benjamin Franklin invented it with a kite and key. Because Ben Franklin is the McGuyver of the revolution.

"Big Rod" McMahon - people called him "Jess" but we can't figure out why and "Big Rod" sounds cooler - started something called the CWC, but nobody really cared. They joined a bunch of other wrestling promotions and mapped out America the way the bootleggers did, with each promotion getting a section of the country to work in. It was around this time that Vince McMahon Sr. took over the business from his father and superstars like Bruno Sammartino, "The Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers, and Lou Thesz were popular. This period is referred to as the first "golden age" of pro wrestling, but only the people that were there really remember it because it's not out on DVD.

Buddy Rogers

Buddy Rogers wrestled when the world was black and white.

In the early eighties Vince McMahon Jr. bought the business from his father and wrestling evolved. Evolved meaning a guppy grown by his grandfather quickly turned into a man-eating, air tank resistant, land walking fucking shark in his hands. A shark controlled by this guy:

That guy is worth a billion dollars. Thats almost a billion dollars more than you. He got it from a shark.

When Vince Jr. decided to tell the wrestling mafia to piss off his father warned him that he would probably end up beside Jimmy Hoffa. Vince Jr. didn't care. He had a big shark and the balls chase four wrestlers with a bat. By himself. In 2008 his company made a paltry $500 million bucks.

Truth Vs. Fiction: Which is Stranger?

Like Santa Claus, some people still think that professional wrestling is real. It's not. If you don't believe us, listen to this guy.

I don't know what's better, that he admits it's fake or he equates the Undertaker to Darth Vader.

He might be a dick, but when a wrestler goes on the news and says pro wrestling is fake, the gig is up. The shit is fake. That doesn't mean it's not entertaining. That doesn't mean that wrestler's aren't athletic. It means the shit isn't real.

You would think that because wrestlers have actually stated on live television that wrestling is fake, and because professional wrestling is considered "sports entertainment" rather than just "sports" and because, well, it's a commonly recognized fact that pro wrestling is scripted, that everybody would know it's fiction. This is not true. Professional wrestling fans share the same demographic as "people that watch other people drive in 500 circles" and the slightly less batshit insane "people that believe cow-tipping should be an olympic sport". This means they'll pretty much believe anything.

Wrestlers go a long way towards keeping up appearances in the ring. They call this "kayfabe" which is wrestling speak for "bad acting". Each wrestler assumes a super hero identity, complet with costume (tights) but without the cool powers. Then, they start cute little arguments and shit whenever they're in front of the camera. There's a lot of yelling and name calling. Sometimes they restort to pillow fights.

mmmm...pillows

Every once in a while they do what people are paying them to do, and that's wrestle. The performers work tirelessly to learn how to do all the acrobatic, athletic and generally hardcore shit without hurting each other. The cooler the fight looks without someone getting seriously injured the better. Sometimes it can't be helped, though, and people just get fucked up. The wrestler's will just roll with it and keep wrestling, or make the injuries part of the storyline. This causes some people to scream "how can it be fake if people really get hurt?", which in turn causes us to scream "shut the fuck up!".

None of this shit is real, but it's real god damn hardcore.

Rolling Around In Tights Internationally

They do it all over.