A video game based on Bible stories! Where could that possibly go wrong?
The first of the 3 fantastically awful games is Noah's Ark. The basic idea of what you are trying to do is roam around the stage finding 2 of every animal and bring them back to the Ark. This is in stark contrast with the actual Bible in which the animals all supposedly walked in willingly without trying to kill each other. Not so with the game. For this game you play as a superhuman Noah. I say superhuman because this Noah has the ability to carry 4 of any animal at any given time.
You can attempt to pick up a fifth but it will fall when you stop moving. The Noah in the Bible was a pussy compared to the one in the game. Above you see him carrying 2 bulls, 2 horses, and a cow. Being very conservative (like the target audience of this game) that's about 4500 pounds. The world record for a dead lift is 1100 pounds and that's when what you're lifting isn't alive and squirming and you don't have to try and stack what you're lifting on top of one another while still holding on to all the other weight you're carrying. But this is a video game right? It doesn't have to be realistic. We'll just explain it away as God gave him the extra powers.
To delve a little more into the game play it's not quite as easy as running around picking up animals. The first 2 levels are fairly straightforward. You don't have to just run around picking up barnyard animals you also have to climb trees to try and catch birds and monkeys. These animals are dicks though. They don't want to be caught. As soon as you get close enough they'll fly or jump away from you. The monkeys in particular will laugh and throw "coconuts" at you that materialize from their asses. These coconuts though are the easiest way to catch the monkeys. If you can manage to dodge the coconut you can pick it up and throw it at the monkey and knock it out. Let us sum this up for you. The entire point of the story of Noah in the Bible is saving all of the species of animals from extinction during the flood. In the game you are bashing said animals in the head with coconuts... All this time you are trying to avoid "evil" animals. In the Bible 2 of every animal was brought on to the Ark. In the game filthy creatures such as scorpions and snakes are not welcome. Touching any of these animals will hurt you and cause you to drop one of the animals that you are carrying. Some animals such as pandas and some of the carnivores can only be caught if you feed them. You can find pears and meat bones lying around but once the animal starts eating it you have to grab them quickly the food won't last for long.
There are a few variations to this one of the levels is at night and unless you are carrying a bottle of fireflies you can't see anything except for Noah and shaded versions of the animals. Then in another level there are 7 cows, grain and more monkeys. This time though they're pulling random pieces of fruit from their behinds. You need to get 7 of each of these food items to complete the level.
If we haven't turned you off yet. If you think that all of this could be kind of fun. Take another gander at the picture above and see the upper left-hand corner. That is your life meter. You earn extra health by picking up tablets that are scattered around the screen. About now you're probably saying "That doesn't seem that bad. Most games have pickups that give you extra health." Well, before you get your extra health game play completely stops and you get to read a nice long slowly scrolling passage from the Bible. It's like a cut scene but it has nothing to do with what's currently going on in the game. They're just attempts to get young children to read the Bible by mixing it in with a video game.
In the end you get an actual "cut scene" of the Ark being raised up by water staying there for a little while then being set down on top of a mountain. Then it stays that way until you reset the system. No press A to return to menu. The game forces you to restart the whole system.
Well the Bible story for this one is pretty cool. A young Hebrew shepherd named David decides to answer a challenge from the Philistines to take on Goliath their strongest warrior after God had instructed him to. Goliath was 6 cubits and 1 span tall. For those not familiar with ancient measurements a cubit is the length of the average persons forearm measured from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow which is approximately 18 inches. A span is the length from the tip of the thumb to the tip of the pinky when the fingers are spread out which is approximately 9 inches. This makes Goliath almost 10 feet tall. A pretty big feat considering people back then were considered tall if they made it to 5 feet. David, following God's instructions, brings with him only a sling and 2 round smooth pebbles. This was all he had compared to 10 foot Goliath in full armor that is estimated to have weighed anywhere from 125-200 pounds even further proof of just how gargantuan Goliath was. In the end David only had to sling one rock which hit Goliath right between the eyes killing him immediately. The Philistines were completely demoralized and were easily defeated by the Israelites.
The game however focuses less on the giant killing part of the story and more on the shepherding part. All of the levels except for the last one has you running around the stage looking for 4 lost sheep that you are supposed to bring back to the end of the stage. Just like Noah, David can lift and carry 4 sheep at a time. Being conservative again that is about 600 pounds. All the while you are trying to avoid being attacked by wolves and other vicious animals that would normally attack sheep, oh and a bird. Yes as much of a badass weightlifter David is, at certain points in the game a bird will dive at you, grab you by the head, forcing you to drop all of the sheep you are carrying, and fly you to a different part of the stage, slightly hurting you in the process. Once you get all of the sheep to the end of the stage you move on to the next stage which is pretty much exactly the same as the last one.
The last stage though takes all the sheep wrangling practice you've had and throws it out the window. The last stage pits David, with only a sling, against the Philistine army. They have for whatever reason decided to position themselves along the face of a cliff on very narrow ledges. Now this would be a great strategy if they had projectile weapons. As it is the only way they can hurt you is by touching you. Remember that you have a sling and it must be some kind of super weapon. First unlike the David in the Bible you have an infinite amount of stones to fling at enemies. Secondly taking out the soldiers takes only one or two strikes by a stone. Unfortunately for David though the Philistines have enlisted invulnerable scorpions and rocks to help them in their endeavor to kill David, all of which is not in the least bit Biblically accurate. While you are near the bottom of the cliff rocks will appear randomly and try and crush you as you jump from ledge to ledge. As you get higher the rocks stop, but then come them damn scorpions. While a couple stones from your sling can kill a fully grown man these same stones will simply bounce off of a scorpion. If you touch a scorpion not only will you get hurt but you will fall right through the ledge you are on normally forcing you to start the whole level over again. If you do manage to make it to the end of the level you have to first fight Goliath's shield bearer. Like the scorpions, the pebbles from your sling cannot hurt him they only push him back a little. What you have to do is make an expertly timed jump to get behind him, and when we say expertly timed we mean you better have some type of precognition. You need to jump at the exact right time after gaining speed while the shield bearer is moving towards you. If the shield bearer stops moving or you jump a little too early or too late you will be pushed back toward the cliff behind you and probably have to do a good portion of the level over again to get back to the shield bearer. If you manage to get to the other side you need to keep hitting the shield bearer with shots from your sling sending him over the cliff. Then you get to face Goliath. Compared to the shield bearer this guy is easy. To win you need to get one well placed shot to the forehead. It should only take a little bit of practice. That's it game over.
In this game you play as Miriam, Moses' sister. Who, being a woman, is only able to carry Moses. The Bible story for this the Pharaoh had ordered that all newborn Hebrew boys be drowned in the Nile because he had been told by one of his fortune tellers that one of the Hebrew children would end up destroying his kingdom. To save Moses he was put in a basket and sent down the Nile and eventually ended up at the palace and was adopted by the royal family.
In the game the process of getting Moses safely into the Nile in a basket is much harder than it should be. Miriam needs to go through 5 stages filled with Egyptian soldiers and jumping spiders while avoiding dropping or giving up and throwing Moses into the Nile without the basket. That's pretty much it if you get hit by a spider or soldier you will drop Moses and if the soldier gets to Moses before you do he will throw Moses into the Nile and "kill" him. We say "kill" because Moses doesn't really die. He somehow has been given the power to teleport himself and when thrown into the river he sends himself back to the beginning of the level. Why he doesn't just go to the end of the level or maybe even get himself the fuck out of Egypt and away from everyone who is trying to kill him is not fully explained. If Miriam makes it to the end of the level without Moses you are forced to go back to the beginning and try again. For all this work you are treated to a scene of Moses floating down the Nile in his basket. Game over.