Iron Maiden
UP THE IRONS!
Just The Facts
- Iron Maiden is the most awesome thing since sliced bread, oral sex and the Internet. As a matter of fact, it predates at least one of these!
- You are/do not.
- And never will.
The Band: Fucking Awesomeness
The gods made heavy metal, and they saw that it was good. Indeed.
Whether is was by chance, providence, or that little deal with His Infernal Majesty, some thirty years ago, a group of young lads in Great Brittain got tired of having to wake up to rainfall and eating their breakfast out of a greasy newspaper, and formed the greatest musical gathering in recorded history.
The Music: Galloping Rhythm & Bullshit about Iron Maiden
The gimmick: galloping rhytm.
Horses were most practical for covering large distances faster than the other guys, efficiently converting enemy infantry into piles of shattered bones and puss, and making generals look more awesome when immortalized in paintings or statues. It is no less than fitting that after writing history in empires, horses now have written history in music. Galloping rhytm is an art most refined by Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris, and sounds not unlike strapping an intoxicated Michael J. Fox to a truckload of metronomes. Talk about horsepower!
Pictured above: some schmuck who wished he had one iota of the musical talent that Iron Maiden has.
Despite of it being endlessly imitated by bands that are most notable for their lack of being Iron Maiden, it is metal as fuck.
Haters of music and anything awesome have often accused Iron Maiden of being crack smoking, kitty petting, Satan worshipping motherfuckers. A rumor which of course has no bearing in reality whatsoever.
"Okay guys, give me the most vile, hateful, satanically posessed and baby-slaughtering expression you can give me!"
The Frontman: Bruce "Homo Universalis" Dickinson
It is not yet established by the Vatican that Bruce is the Second Coming of Christ, but then again, earning this title King of Kings might just not do justice to the man. Let's sum up the facts (readers are advised at all times to compare this to there own greatest accomplishments in life, aside of being that unique, personal snowflake just like everybody else).
Being in the most awesome band on the planet? Check. International competing fencer? Check and let me rephrase: how about not bothering to shoot for a place in the Olympics because you are to cool for that shit and instead you opt to go touring with your band? Check. Writing and publishing a novel? Check. Appearing with your own shown on Discovery Channel? Check. Flying a Boeing 757 carrying either fans, your own band, or 200 people fleeing a wartorn country in the Middle East? Check, check, and double-grandmotherfucking-check!
These, and other events have led some theologists to gather evidence that the ancient Hebrew word "YHWH" is actually a subtle mistranslation of "PL BRC DCKNSN."
The concerts: Really fucking big
As noted earlier, Iron Maiden plays for nothing but HUGE crowds. As a result of this, nine out of ten times, attendencee is estimated by looking at satellite pictures because counting the sold tickets would be to much of a hassle, which is totally lame and not metal..
"Kinda makes that gig your Nu-metal/Neo-Punk band Parent Suck Balls! played in that greasy bikerbar downtown slighty less cool, right?"
I played bass in a Maiden cover for about six months. It was really awesome, except for the tights.
ReplyBoobs.
ReplyRabid enthusiasm for a generally under-appreciated band? Check.
ReplyAvailable thesaurus? Check.
Lack of full research regarding all band members? Check.
Historical skipping for sake of shortening work? Check.
Spellchecker? Ummm, let me get back to you on that.
O_O
Under-appreciated? by who?
Everyone likes Maiden, except for elitist fags and br00tal people who don't listen to anything less br00tal than, say, Suffocation. (I love Suffocation, but you get what I mean)
I totally agree with the rest tho. No love for Janick, Dave, Andrew and the first members - Paul Di'Anno and Clive Burr? 'Killers' is a f*****g great album, and I like the s/t a lot too. (Many people say this is the real Iron Maiden.)
We can all pretend that the 90's Maiden didn't happen.
What about Steve Harris? His Basswork is the stuff of legends.
Haha it's E(minor)-C-D thats in every Maiden tune.
ReplyAwesome article mate, but why when lauding Maiden do you keep referencing Manowar? (The Gods Made Heavy Metal, King of Kings) You should have just written an article about them, and tried using a spell checker... Maiden have enough epithets you could have used in reference to their own music bru
Reply'Gods Made Heavy Metal' is a MANOWAR reference indeed, but the title 'King of Kings' is a Biblical moniker for Jesus Christ. The joke is about equating Dickinson to the Messiah, hence the reference.
Great Britain
ReplyRhythm
Boeing
Just trying to help. Good article though.
Thanks, I appreciate any form of constructive criticism. :)
most truthful article i've read on cracked.
Replybruce dickinson collects fucing tanks, that is just badass
Reply"hey i collect snow globes" "really?" "ya" "well i collect goddamn tanks"
Iron Maiden, proving awesome still exists.(also like the Manowar lyric u included.)
ReplyDont forget that iron maiden is SO AWESOME that the singer literally learned to fly a plane, bought a plane, and flew that plane filled with Iron maiden awesomeness around the world to places that have never actually EVER seen a live band (and when necessary Iron maiden hired people to actually BUILD stages and performance areas for them.)
ReplyFlight 666, which a huge Eddie painted on it. This band is amazing.
OH and the drummer, Nicko smiles and grins the entire time he is shooting awesomeness from his drum sticks. No one else has ever been so excited about life.
Yeah, actually, Tom Araya does that too, he's grinning all the time. It's, ironically, a cute sight LOL
Up the f****n Irons \m/
ReplyEVERY WORD IS FACT.
Reply