Zooey Deschanel

Don't look at her directly, you'll go blind.

This picture caused World War II

Fourteen different types of wrong.

Look at her, all impish and sexy. She's like a sex imp.

Just The Facts

  1. Zooey Deschanel was not created by normal genetic means. Instead, she is a roving wet dream cut loose from the mind of God and set free to drift through the world of lesser mortals. (*citation needed)
  2. She has played a wide variety of roles, such as the quirky love interest in Yes Man, the quirky love interest in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the quirky love penguin in Surf's Up
  3. Critics have commented that this indicates she is typecast into a certain role. However, they are missing the fucking point.

The Name

Zooey Deschanel is not actually a human name, but rather a set of carefully-crafted noetic syllables intended to bypass your higher brain functions and hit your indie gland with the force of a thousand amazings. Yes, if you look at the separate... 'words' or whatever, they may sound slightly retarded. Try readng them while looking at a picture of Zooey, however, and they sound like 'happiness.' Go on, try it.

Happiness. See? Amazing.

Of Irish-French parentage, (which either means her name is a drunken accident or a fuck-up on a notice of surrender) she is apparently named for the male character in J.D. Salinger's 'Franny and Zooey.' After googling the novel, I now know it's 'a heartfelt discourse on egotism and superficiality.'

I fail to see the connection.


Zooey made her film debut in 1999 and soon became known for playing a certain type of character, namely the whimsical, slightly kooky love interest. The scene in Elf where she sings Baby It's Cold Outside from the shower is thought to be directly responsible for all but twelve dollars of the film's profits. (Will Ferrell's mother went twice.)

She has also played numerous roles in other mediums such as Roz's kooky sister on Frasier, a quirky ex-girlfriend on Weeds and the strange girl from the Offspring's video She's Got Issues. Chronicling her career is a bit of a challenge for movie buffs, as you run out of different ways to say 'kooky' about three fims in.

She is quoted as saying;

'I always choose roles that are, you know, hopefully different from the last role. I don`t wanna do the same thing over and over again because that`s, well, first of all that`s no fun.'

which proves that while she may be the shinest knife in the drawer, she's certainly not the sharpest.

It's okay Zooey, I'll look after you.


Critics debate as to the exact nature of Zooey's appeal, but it is thought to be down to the kookiness. (Fuck, but I am sick of typing that word) From her perfomances, legions of hopeful film fans have picked up the impression that she bases her attraction to people on personality.

This may or may not be true, but the fact is it's irrelevant. Being a 'personality girl' is all very admirable, but some hopeful people have confused 'able to see inner beauty' with 'won't care if my major interest outside her is bird-watching.' Just because she found Martin Freeman and Jim Carrey attractive doesn't mean she'll readily help you clean your home taxidermy kit.

Of course, that doesn't apply to me. Our love is real.

Unlike my pets.