Country Music
Country music is a mystery to everyone who's not a fan. An obnoxious, borderline retarded mystery. Our attempt to make sense of it without having to listen to a single song:
Just The Facts
- Country music has existed for almost a century, and is still very popular.
- It is biggest in the US, but also has followings in Australia and Germany. We don't know why either.
Origins of Country Music
Country music began almost 2000 years ago, when it was given to mankind by Jesus. Unfortunately they were not yet cool enough to appreciate it, and Jesus was like 'I'm out of here'. Jesus also played the guitar and wore a cowboy hat, but this was cut out of the bible by the haters.
In the early 20th century a team of explorers led by Professor Hank Williams, Ph.D., stumbled across the Shroud of Turin in Italy. When they touched it, they became possessed with the spirit of Country. They brought it back to America, which was the right thing to do.
Williams then invented a time machine and travelled back in time in order to use country music to inspire the American Revolution.
In the 1940s, God told a young herdsman named Chet Atkins to leave his home and wander in the wilderness. Eventually he directly him to a place to dig in the ground, from which flowed a pure spring of healing water. This spring became Nashville, Tennessee. This place is rumored to now be the home of country music, but this is hard to confirm because no one has ever been there.
During the 1950s early country music merged with blues to form rockabilly. The most famous musician to come out of this was Elvis, who is cooler than Michael Jackson and always will be. Elvis is also famous for serving in the army, where he singlehandedly saved the United States from a horde of Deadites.
Country Music Today
Country music remains popular to this day, with most major cities having at least one country music station. Listeners are ten percent normal people, 60 percent people who hate the communist takeover of every other station and 20 percent hipsters who listen to country music ironically.
Another modern source of country music is Country Music Television, which features shows like My Big Fat Redneck Wedding. It also plays country music video clips, which are a lot like non-country video clips except with less black people.
Among country fans, the genre is thought to be dying out, as there is just no room in this world for country music fans anymore. This would be a more serious worry if they hadn't been worried about this for the past 90 years.
A country music fan. Note the hieroglyphs, which represent the traditional contribution of Egyptology to the genre.
Country Music Themes
Country music revolves around three themes:
- My girlfriend/man left me
- I have a gun
- I am going to shoot my girlfriend/man
Later variations and extensions on the themes have appeared (the government is trying to take my gun, the government arrested me for shooting my girlfriend/man and is how going to execute me and/or take my gun, the government took my girlfriend/man away from me and I've lost my gun, etc.)
Every country music album ever.
Other topics are sometimes woven around this main theme, like:
- Cowboys are awesome
- Commies shot my legs off
- Drinking
- My woman is too fat
- Country music is awesome
- Country music used to be awesome until the commies ruined it and shot my legs off
Country is retarded. I can't hear a country song, with the awful slide guitar/fiddle that is in every song ever, and not instantly picture either a cow grazing in a pasture or like 50 people all dressed up in their cowboy costumes square dancing in an empty barn.
ReplyThe problem here is this article confuses Country (Cash, Willie, Waylon, Toby's OLD stuff, Corey Smith) with Country Pop (Toby's new s**t, Carrie Underwood, a good 90% of Country radio, ALL of CMT). Country is actually a decent genre, with some good music, and some good lyrics that aren't 'MERICA or MY WOMAN LEFT ME. That's the same thing as claiming all rap is about that gangsta s**t, or f****n hoes. I can understand not liking it, but lets not make the same old tired jokes people have been making for years, shall we?
ReplyThe "good" country you mentioned belongs in a category called folk. Sometimes the two are easy to mix up, but folk is distinguishable in that it tells a story from which you can take something. Country is just useless dribble.
I'm going to have to disagree with Artiste_Inconnu on this one. The artists that bloodraven412 named are actually country and not just folk. True country is an off shoot of folk, but with a strict shuffle rhythm. Also country music tends to have more instrumentation than folk music. Plus, I urge aginst defining a genre in terms of lyrics, since they are just poetry that goes with the music and not the music itself, it is possible to have an instrumental folk or country song.
Any album that pictures a man in a cowboy hat, and the man isn't a cowboy: that isn't county music; it's bad pop music played by a man in a cowboy hat.
ReplyAll country music made after the mid 70's sounds like the eagles .formulated to appeal to the lowest common denominator ( i.e. rednecks and musical inbreds ) . Also , if you're a popular enough star , you have to put up with really weird s**t from the people who listen to it like having them camp in your yard or something similar . The whole scene is pretty much mildly retarded .
ReplyCountry music has a great history... Chet Atkins-Johnny Cash-Willie Nelson. And then something happened to it and everything that made it great disappeared in jingoism and rock ballads with steel guitars and violins.
Replyi dont know any hipsters who listen to country music ironically. theyre all to busy ironically mocking it.
ReplyNo if a hipster wants to listen to country music, they have to call it alt-country to preserve their hipness.
The "I Love Country Music" t-shirt looks more like a "I Love Hillary Clinton's Bush" t-shirt
ReplyNo. You've got it wrong.
It says I. Love. Cunt. Tree. Music.
Get it?
My God that t-shirt is so idiotically obnoxious.
Reply"Listeners are ten percent normal people, 60 percent people who hate the communist takeover of every other station and 20 percent hipsters who listen to country music ironically."
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies10+60+20=90. What happened to the other 10 percent!?
that bothered me so much, i couldnt even enjoy this article!
That's what I was wondering. At least I'm not the only one who realized this.
I was to busy laughing to do math.
The other ten percent are Nashville residents, but their existence is highly debated (see above)
The other ten percent are Nashville residents, but their existence is highly debated (see above). That's why they're not included in the statistic.
Hahahaha god modern country is SO. FUCKING. HORRIBLE. Old country was pretty good (Johnny Cash, etc), but FUCK.
ReplyOld country makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
So does crack. Country sucks. :D
Great page. Whoever wrote that Jesus discovered country music must be a prophet cuz it's true. I'm still out to get them haters with my gun an my huntin dog.
Replydamn commies.
seems like recent country music themes are: "I'm from a small town, and it's better than any city" "things were different, before all these changes" "I'm rich, but haven't forgotten my small town roots" and "everyone hates America, 'cept me". and it's all horrible, that's why out-door shopping areas play it over the speakers to keep teenagers from hanging around.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthen why did Jesus invent it if it's horrible?!
Rob, christians invented several ideas, like no fornication, masturbation, ban on all non vaginal sex, ect. They can make some pretty terrible things.
Christians invented masturbation? If you can prove it, I may have to reconsider my atheism.
I actually like country music- regarding the circumstances, I would not seem like someone who would like it. Democrat, atheist, suburban...yet I secretly enjoy it. And I will admit this page was ACCURATE
ReplyHow is it even possible that you would like country music? That's like someone on the religious right enjoying NOFX.
@Jesusjewishnazi, I like NOFX. I don't consider myself the religious right, but I am religious and moderately conservative.
Haha this is pretty funny...and while country music is unlitenable, vomituous garbage...old s**t like Johnny Cash and some others was awesome.
Replylmaoooo "eye heart c**t tree music"
ReplyBaby Took My Gun - Chud "Bear" Carlson sounds like a hit.
ReplyThis was seriously one of the funniest things I've read on here. I can't stop laughing...
Replyalan jackson kicks ass!
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You know, the percent of people who listen to a country music station adds up to 90. Funny article,though.
Reply10 percent = other, I imagine.
I don't.