Japan
Japan
Just The Facts
- Japan is the English name for a nation comprised of a series of islands in the Pacific Ocean, east of the main Asian landmass. The roughly 128,000,000 people who live there refer to their homeland as Nippon or Nihon, and all of them are either partially or entirely crazy.
- Japanese culture has traditionally been marked by a strong sense of ecological responsibility as well as polite but chauvanist values (read: sexual deviancy).
- Japan has been both a trailblazer and a victim of information technology, existing somewhere between the cutting edge and fucking insanity ...
Perception of Japan
Perception of Japan: 1900
Perception of Japan: 1997 (One year before Google is founded)
Perception of Japan: Today
Your 7th grade history book might tell you that Japan is an archipelago nation comprised of over 3,000 islands. This is true. It is also true that they have a beautiful language and rich cultural heritage stretching back as far as 30,000 BC which makes them about five times older than dinosaurs. Yes, they bombed Pearl Harbor. Yes, we bombed them back, putting the fear of White Jesus into them. Yes, sake is delicious. All of this is true and yet none of it matters because here at Cracked the image of Japan is of a nation of dangerous mental patients with a history of awesome sword fights. You may call it racist but we feel the evidence speaks for itself. One suspects that Japan actively encourages this perception so that we will be unprepared for Pearl Harbor II: The Legend of Curly's Gold (coming 2015).
IN HISTORY- Japan's feudal period was peppered with samurai and shoguns and ninjas and a fuck ton of wars. They invaded China about every three years, stealing two letters from their alphabet each time. The less said about the tension between those two nations, the better; this is still ostensibly a comedy site (DONGS- Ed.).
IN CUISINE- The Japanese peasantry subsisted for centuries on a diet of rice and millet, the kind of diet self-help gurus push on Hollywood starlet wastrels. The country is best known for the worldwide proliferation of sushi bars and Benihanas. Also: karaoke bars.
- The 6 Most Sadistic Dishes From Around the World
- Yogurt Pepsi: 14 Horrifying Soft Drinks Around the World
IN POLITICS- Japan's role in World War II is still a sore spot with the Greatest Generation even though the nation has been contrite about bombing the shit out of us. Nukes have that effect on people. Today they are a respectable world government, but not so respectable that President George Bush wouldn't throw up on their Prime Minister.
IN TECHNOLOGY- The Japanese have helped revolutionize the home electronics market, creating robots that fall down stairs and what experts call a "video game," a money-eating device whose side effects leaves otherwise respectable people flailing like idiots and yelling at their hands.
- 20 Japanese Robots Probably Intent on Murdering You
- Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented
IN ART- The Japanese have a rich tradition of blah blah woodcut blah blah haiku blah...more importantly, the Japanese are known for rubber monster suits, hentai, insane game shows, ear-splitting pop music, giant robots and awesome sword fights.
- The 10 Best Animated Movies For (Traumatizing) Kids
- The 6 Most Politically Incorrect Video Game Moments
IN SPORT- The Japanese love the shit out of baseball, as evidenced by their playing host to illustrious teams like the Bad News Bears. They're also deep into soccer and a lot of other world sports but are perhaps best known in the sports world for karate (which should be in the Olympics) and sumo wrestling (which is fat people tugging each other's diapers).
IN RELIGION- The Japanese have a rich mix of faiths that reflect off of one another, leading to a wonderful mish-mash of mythology and symbolism from Shintoism, Buddhism and Christianity. Theirs is also a spirituality rife with magical nutsack raccoons and heavenly penises.
An Average Day in Japan
Every week we'll be featuring our favorite topic on Cracked.com next to DOB's column. If you're funny and have something to say about, well ... literally anything in the world, that's seriously all it takes. Go here to find out how to turn a dozen sentences and a photoshop into internet fame, and cold hard cash (70% harder than cash at leading websites).
I hate it when people say that all Japanese people are perverts. That may be true, but do you seriously have to refer to Japanese porn or anime porn every f*****g time? I mean, jeez that's so damn offensive! BTW I'm Japanese so next person who mentions anything about Japanese porn, I hope you die in a hole.
ReplySumo isn't fat guys tugging each other's diapers. It's deceptively strong fat guys beating the crap out each other trying to score a ring out.
Replyyou guys seem to REALLY hate Asians. Seriously why? We know we are weird and all, but you guys seem to only look at the stereotypical stuff. The way you guys criticize us is equivalent to us judging Americans in general as fat people who eat hamburgers everyday and play games in which your main objective is to shoot anything that moves. You guys see Asians as tentacle porn loving freaks who worship penises, which would be very offensive to call anyone really.
ReplyPlay games?
I love those lil bastards.
Reply*sniff sniff* There's a ninja in here.
ReplyYou have to admit though, japan really doesnt help itself. I mean have you SEEN their news? Its like sims gone wrong...
ReplyHa, yesterday I found a children's book from 1988 packed in our basement: "Japan: Land of Robots and Samurai". I think it was written with the intent to teach all stereotypes possible at an early age.
Replyoh japan your economy is in the tanks but we still love you
ReplyI think that it is fair that whoever wrote this article should make the same article that talks s**t about america(U.S.A)....
Reply Hide All See All 20 Replies#teen pregnancy
#incest cases
#child abduction
#prostitution
#4 out 10 people have sexually transmitted disease
#(U.S.A)YOUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IS shit!!!!!!!!!!!
#most adult Americans(U.S.A)do not know where Australia is
#most adult Americans(U.S.A)thinks Europe is a Nation
#most Americans don't respect other peoples culture
#American Citizens are divided in every important issue about their country
#your T.V networks have a whole day coverage on the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William
#Americans (U.S.A) laughs about things that they don't understand
all of this crap above happens in the the great United States of America in a very high rate in every state greater than any country in the world.
and get this the whole world knows that Americans(U.S.A) are STUPID
and no one can prove me wrong this article is a testament on how the U.S.A is full shitheads... and brain dead species of the human kind
and yes American culture is not real The U.S.A don't have culture that we can say genuinely american.
Spanish, African, JEWish, eastern European, western European, ASIAN, and Middle eastern this are the cultures the makes this fake american culture of yours..
oh wait I left something out the AMERICAN INDIANS... ah yes these GUYS don't get the respect that they deserve either...
most Americans thinks american INDIANS are different from them and thinks that their ancestors are the original settlers of these vast land that was discovered by a European Explorer
and I know that when you ask an average American on WHO is Christopher Columbus
you will an answer.... a blank stare or a wrong answer of course
and I know that when you ask an average American on WHO is the EXPLORER that America is named after with... you will get another blank stare and more wrong answers.
most Americans do not know what is a Viking
well as it shows Americans love T.V shows like Jersey shore and teen moms... you have personalities like Glen BECK being popular in your country.... and you let a guy like Goerge BUSH to be your president for tow straight terms how STUPID is that... and now your facing recession and BLAME the BLACK guy for not fixing it immediately.... is that american mentality
(I hope everyone, anyone who thinks that this article is funny and whoever
wrote this article. I hope that you have A Craig Garrido as a neighbor so that your daughters will be kidnapped and tortured like what happen to Jaycee Dugard.
YEAH i am just JOKING... I don't wish bad things to happen to other people good job on the JAYCEE DUGARD CASE after all those years... I am waiting for the MOVIE about this disgusting incident... well because these is what Americans DO make profit about these sensitive things that is a genuine american culture)
this guy who wrote this article still have hard feelings about the pearl harbor bombing you don't know anything you know nothing.. I am from the Philippines the Japanese attack us viciously they give us no mercy, burned our cities and rape our women.. yeah the American(U.S.A) push the Japanese out of our country
Gen. Douglas MCarthur fulfilled his promise to return...
but you know what for 40 years your county milked our nation for our natural resources.. dumped chemical waste on our land and now the effects are very evident people from around the Subic bay base are sicked because of the polluted water supply. looking at Japan now I wish Gen. Mcarthur never came back.. you might say we Filipinos are ungrateful but take this you burned our cities and rape our women too during the time that you Americans occupied our country.
and this american guy right here pretends to know all about a country talking about its religion,sports,history,politcs haaa who are you who do you think you are I know for a Fact that whoever wrote this article never been to Japan.. and never have this Guy ever talk to a Japanese about this stuff that he says that he knows.. this peeps at his mother while she is taking a bath how can you believe this guy and anyone who said that this article is true I hope you choke on your own arrogance and ignorance and stupidity
I hope that Japan will recover from the TSUNAMI not like they need any HELP
and if these article is written by an AFRICAN, African american, ASIAN, LATINO, JEWISH,EUROPEAN or by an ARAB and anyone from other RACE that know the FEELING of BEING discriminated because of their culture SHAME ON YOU.
and like what I said Americans are STUPID... I oftentimes GO in The U.S I travel around States I met different types of people but these is the first time I do a thing like these against anyone(well if I ever met you in person i just will spit on you but you are a p***y you don't even include your name as the author of the garbage of an article in crack.
and for the last time JAPANESE PORN are better than american gibberish por
top 5 porn producing countries(quality)
1.JAPAN
2.VIETNAM
3.RUSSIA
4.GREECE
5.FRANCE
top 5 porn producing countries(quantity)
1.U.S.A
no country can match the mass production of pornographic from the U.S putting any country in the top five is useless.
For those who found that tl;dr - EQUALITY AND PORN.
U mad bro?
GIBBERISH PORN???? sir you have crossed a line!
About that porn quality, two words. Tenticle rape.
That was the most massive butthurt I've read in a long time. I'll make a point of saying that America has the third largest population in the world, don't expect everyone to be extremely smart, as you wouldn't for China and India. Secondly, our whole culture is based upon the fact that you can really do whatever you want with yourself culturally, you can call it fake but it's still a culture and you're still an enormous whining bitch.
Currently filming bukkake porn starring the mother of one koganei_kiryuu. You know, for America.
Can't tell if trolling.
However, I would just like to point out that most of your complaints about the USA apply just as well to a shitload of other countries.
can't get over the wall of text, go on without me
you're sitting here bitching about people making fun of things they don't understand or know anything about, which is exactly what you're doing...while some of the things you said are true, like umbee said, a lot of your complaints can apply to other countries as well...the author of this article was generalizing and making a JOKE because this is a COMEDY site...your entire comment, whether trolling or not, just makes you look pathetic.
I agree with Kendall, you're making yourself a hypocrite; I mean, you're critizing a country, because someone made a joke about another country, which you interperated as critizism...and you're saying that they're the one who is wrong? You're on a comedy site, btw, so there are going to be jokes, and some might offend people. I mean, you don't go to dodgeball game and expect to not get hit in the head by a flying ball.
...what just happened? I feel like...I suddenly have been granted a glance into a schizophrenic mind. I don't think my own sanity has been left untouched.
Americans are stupid. We know. We've heard it from much better writers than you.
Can't tell if trolling or just really stupid...
Also Tl;DR
No Cats! Leave no man behind!
But seriously, anyone else get the feeling that this post was a copy/paste with Japan filling in the blanks? I read this whole thing (and yes I did have an aneurysm) and thought that I was reading a MadLibs...although in all honestly, a pretty good MadLibs.
Meh, I've read better mad libs... Although, that could be because every noun (and strangely, verb) is BOOBS. Oh, and... 'MERICA!
I didn't read this, but as I was scrolling past this word-vomit, this jumped out at me:
most Americans do not know what is a Viking
...I'm not going to read the rest of the comment to see if it is as stupid as this one sentence, but... are you joking? Seriously? Out of all the things that Americans probably don't know about (and I'm American, so I know there are a LOT of things the average American has no clue about) you think that VIKINGS are the thing that Americans won't recognize?
Congratulations, you've just shown every single person on the internet who saw this comment exactly how close-minded you are.
Best Forum Post Ever!
Judging by your silly screen name and your extreme butthurt about anyone insulting japan, I'd have to make the educated guess that you are a weeaboo.
Bro, just chill. It's not our fault that Godzilla destroyed Tokyo bro.
I think that it is fair that whoever wrote this article should make the same article that talks s**t about america(U.S.A)....
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies#teen pregnancy
#incest cases
#child abduction
#prostitution
#4 out 10 people have sexually transmitted disease
#(U.S.A)YOUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IS shit!!!!!!!!!!!
#most adult Americans(U.S.A)do not know where Australia is
#most adult Americans(U.S.A)thinks Europe is a Nation
#most Americans don't respect other peoples culture
#American Citizens are divided in every important issue about their country
#your T.V networks have a whole day coverage on the royal wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William
#Americans (U.S.A) laughs about things that they don't understand
all of this crap above happens in the the great United States of America in a very high rate in every state greater than any country in the world.
and get this the whole world knows that Americans(U.S.A) are STUPID
and no one can prove me wrong this article is a testament on how the U.S.A is full shitheads... and brain dead species of the human kind
and yes American culture is not real The U.S.A don't have culture that we can say genuinely american.
Spanish, African, JEWish, eastern European, western European, ASIAN, and Middle eastern this are the cultures the makes this fake american culture of yours..
oh wait I left something out the AMERICAN INDIANS... ah yes these GUYS don't get the respect that they deserve either...
most Americans thinks american INDIANS are different from them and thinks that their ancestors are the original settlers of these vast land that was discovered by a European Explorer
and I know that when you ask an average American on WHO is Christopher Columbus
you will an answer.... a blank stare or a wrong answer of course
and I know that when you ask an average American on WHO is the EXPLORER that America is named after with... you will get another blank stare and more wrong answers.
most Americans do not know what is a Viking
well as it shows Americans love T.V shows like Jersey shore and teen moms... you have personalities like Glen BECK being popular in your country.... and you let a guy like Goerge BUSH to be your president for tow straight terms how STUPID is that... and now your facing recession and BLAME the BLACK guy for not fixing it immediately.... is that american mentality
(I hope everyone, anyone who thinks that this article is funny and whoever
wrote this article. I hope that you have A Craig Garrido as a neighbor so that your daughters will be kidnapped and tortured like what happen to Jaycee Dugard.
YEAH i am just JOKING... I don't wish bad things to happen to other people good job on the JAYCEE DUGARD CASE after all those years... I am waiting for the MOVIE about this disgusting incident... well because these is what Americans DO make profit about these sensitive things that is a genuine american culture)
this guy who wrote this article still have hard feelings about the pearl harbor bombing you don't know anything you know nothing.. I am from the Philippines the Japanese attack us viciously they give us no mercy, burned our cities and rape our women.. yeah the American(U.S.A) push the Japanese out of our country
Gen. Douglas MCarthur fulfilled his promise to return...
but you know what for 40 years your county milked our nation for our natural resources.. dumped chemical waste on our land and now the effects are very evident people from around the Subic bay base are sicked because of the polluted water supply. looking at Japan now I wish Gen. Mcarthur never came back.. you might say we Filipinos are ungrateful but take this you burned our cities and rape our women too during the time that you Americans occupied our country.
and this american guy right here pretends to know all about a country talking about its religion,sports,history,politcs haaa who are you who do you think you are I know for a Fact that whoever wrote this article never been to Japan.. and never have this Guy ever talk to a Japanese about this stuff that he says that he knows.. this peeps at his mother while she is taking a bath how can you believe this guy and anyone who said that this article is true I hope you choke on your own arrogance and ignorance and stupidity
I hope that Japan will recover from the TSUNAMI not like they need any HELP
and if these article is written by an AFRICAN, African american, ASIAN, LATINO, JEWISH,EUROPEAN or by an ARAB and anyone from other RACE that know the FEELING of BEING discriminated because of their culture SHAME ON YOU.
and like what I said Americans are STUPID... I oftentimes GO in The U.S I travel around States I met different types of people but these is the first time I do a thing like these against anyone(well if I ever met you in person i just will spit on you but you are a p***y you don't even include your name as the author of the garbage of an article in crack.
and for the last time JAPANESE PORN are better than american gibberish por
top 5 porn producing countries(quality)
1.JAPAN
2.VIETNAM
3.RUSSIA
4.GREECE
5.FRANCE
top 5 porn producing countries(quantity)
1.U.S.A
no country can match the mass production of pornographic from the U.S putting any country in the top five is useless.
Why don't you write that article? Oh yeah, then it wouldn't be funny as you have no sense of humour.
Oh my god, this is a double-post? Disgusting.
Surprisingly, you didn't pull those statistics out of your ass, but you mixed them up so much they're not the originals anymore. Just because America isn't in the "Top 5," for porn quality, that doesn't mean it's not in the top ten. You should really be clearer with your details.
You, sir are what I like to refer to as the common asshole.
No Gundams in the second picture, and no tentacle rape in the third picture?
ReplyBy the way, how amusing that even cracked tries to censor japan.
Tentacle porn isn't really that popular, I don't think. You can a few titles at Tsutaya...
They're not trying to censor japan, they're trying to censor "jap", which is a slur.
Without Japan, I wouldn't be able to enjoy Gargoyle, Anthem, Sigh, Gonin-ish, Volcano, Vomit Remnants, X Japan, Sabbat, Abigail, Boris, S.O.B. and several other excellent metal bands.
ReplyThank you so much for existing, Japan.
Scat porn too. Could be had in the US, but not so readily available...the internet took care of that, but trying to rent the s**t (hehe) from video stores in the 90s was somewhat difficult.
Now J@apan on the other hand! If I want to see Maria Ozawa crapping milk and honey on a pornstar, I sure as mother-fucking-shit (heehee) can do so!
Japan f*****g rules.
Thank you SeanYamazaki for providing more evidence that proves that Japan f*****g rules! :D
So many awesome sword fights.
ReplyI wonder if Ja pan is going to become a non country after all that went on recently. I my prayers are with them if I knew how to pray.
ReplyNon-country, eh? Still has political borders, a government recognized by the UN, territorial disputes, industry, and plenty of people who hate them, so...no.
I can't believe 4chan didn't spam the comment section mad.
Reply4chan? Most of the memes you find on this site come from there, it's probably below their radar.
This article is incredibly spot-on! Why so few comments? Not vulgar enough for Kotaku? :/
ReplyThere are 79 comments. That's actually pretty good.
SECOND!!!!! (comment that makes any f*****g sense)
Replyjapean iz da 4forchaean off the fizikal wurld
Replyjapen eetz sulz
i iz terrafeed uv jepaan
Are you the Internet? Did you become self aware?
True dat[fourteen year old, sexually repressed, chronically masturbating],dude. True dat!
---------------------
ReplyJAPAN
---------------------
Japan.
XD
Everything about Japan is awesome, even the books kick ass
Replyjapann iz moch terafine it ez nut koul
efin thi japen mitholijee is fokked uoop
jepen stul my sol an noo i rite lyk diss
wut?