Japan

Japan

Just The Facts

  1. Japan is the English name for a nation comprised of a series of islands in the Pacific Ocean, east of the main Asian landmass. The roughly 128,000,000 people who live there refer to their homeland as Nippon or Nihon, and all of them are either partially or entirely crazy.
  2. Japanese culture has traditionally been marked by a strong sense of ecological responsibility as well as polite but chauvanist values (read: sexual deviancy).
  3. Japan has been both a trailblazer and a victim of information technology, existing somewhere between the cutting edge and fucking insanity ...

Perception of Japan

Perception of Japan: 1900

Perception of Japan: 1997 (One year before Google is founded)

Perception of Japan: Today

Your 7th grade history book might tell you that Japan is an archipelago nation comprised of over 3,000 islands. This is true. It is also true that they have a beautiful language and rich cultural heritage stretching back as far as 30,000 BC which makes them about five times older than dinosaurs. Yes, they bombed Pearl Harbor. Yes, we bombed them back, putting the fear of White Jesus into them. Yes, sake is delicious. All of this is true and yet none of it matters because here at Cracked the image of Japan is of a nation of dangerous mental patients with a history of awesome sword fights. You may call it racist but we feel the evidence speaks for itself. One suspects that Japan actively encourages this perception so that we will be unprepared for Pearl Harbor II: The Legend of Curly's Gold (coming 2015).

IN HISTORY- Japan's feudal period was peppered with samurai and shoguns and ninjas and a fuck ton of wars. They invaded China about every three years, stealing two letters from their alphabet each time. The less said about the tension between those two nations, the better; this is still ostensibly a comedy site (DONGS- Ed.).

IN CUISINE- The Japanese peasantry subsisted for centuries on a diet of rice and millet, the kind of diet self-help gurus push on Hollywood starlet wastrels. The country is best known for the worldwide proliferation of sushi bars and Benihanas. Also: karaoke bars.

IN POLITICS- Japan's role in World War II is still a sore spot with the Greatest Generation even though the nation has been contrite about bombing the shit out of us. Nukes have that effect on people. Today they are a respectable world government, but not so respectable that President George Bush wouldn't throw up on their Prime Minister.


IN TECHNOLOGY- The Japanese have helped revolutionize the home electronics market, creating robots that fall down stairs and what experts call a "video game," a money-eating device whose side effects leaves otherwise respectable people flailing like idiots and yelling at their hands.


IN ART- The Japanese have a rich tradition of blah blah woodcut blah blah haiku blah...more importantly, the Japanese are known for rubber monster suits, hentai, insane game shows, ear-splitting pop music, giant robots and awesome sword fights.

IN SPORT- The Japanese love the shit out of baseball, as evidenced by their playing host to illustrious teams like the Bad News Bears. They're also deep into soccer and a lot of other world sports but are perhaps best known in the sports world for karate (which should be in the Olympics) and sumo wrestling (which is fat people tugging each other's diapers).

IN RELIGION- The Japanese have a rich mix of faiths that reflect off of one another, leading to a wonderful mish-mash of mythology and symbolism from Shintoism, Buddhism and Christianity. Theirs is also a spirituality rife with magical nutsack raccoons and heavenly penises.

An Average Day in Japan

ANNOUNCING THE WEEKLY TOPICS PAGE CONTEST! WIN CASH AND GET FEATURED ON THE FRONT PAGE EVERY WEEK! HOLY SHIT!

Every week we'll be featuring our favorite topic on Cracked.com next to DOB's column. If you're funny and have something to say about, well ... literally anything in the world, that's seriously all it takes. Go here to find out how to turn a dozen sentences and a photoshop into internet fame, and cold hard cash (70% harder than cash at leading websites).

CRACKED ON JAPAN