Texas Chainsaw Massecre

Texas was once know for it's strong conservative heritage,capital punishment drive-thru windows, and it's historic landmarks like the Alamo and Willie Nelson's bong. In 1974 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre scared the shit out of everyone not from Texas.

This is your average Texas laundromat

Just The Facts

  1. The events of the film claim to be based on real event. The film is actually a combination of several horrific events including stories of cannibalism brought on by poverty and the story of Ed Gein, proving one thing. Time warp.
  2. After 35 years, T.C.M is still hailed as "One of the scariest movies ever made". Currently tied for first place against Theodore Rex
  3. T.C.M. spawned three sequels including "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation". Later discovered actually to be a 90 minuet home movie of Rene Zellweger's 1991 Family BBQ.

So heres how it goes...

Showtime presents Masters of Horror

Our story starts with Sally Hardesty and her chubby, bio-mechanic brother Franklin setting course for rural Texas to investigate a series of cemetery desecrations, in fear that their beloved grand pappy may no longer be resting peacefully. Along with sally's boyfriend and two friends the group sets sail on the open highway.

Bad Idea #1 Five young people taking a road trip...TO THE SOUTH

Shortly after arriving to discover the grave safe and sound, they make the safest possible next step. Visiting an old piece of property none of whom are familiar with. Along the way, after passing by a slaughter house that sparks an unpleasant discussion about animal slaughter and sledgehammers (perhaps a bit of social commentary or foreshadowing? Nah.) Our group crosses paths with a hitchhiking transient who looks like he just clawed his way out of the Grim Reapers butthole. Reeking of incest and A-1 stake sauce, the group offers the Lynard Skynard reject a lift.

Bad Idea #2 Picking up a hitchhiker. Especially the really psychotic looking one. In. The. South.

Before you can say "it smells like shit in here since we picked up that hitchhiker", the aforementioned shit smell loses well, his shit. After a bit of self mutilation and slap fighting, the two and half men - oh did I mention Franklin is a cripple, because he totally is--press the ejector seat button and send wild bill flying from the vehicle. Venturing further down the road the group stops for gas at hells truck stop only to discover a creepy old man, empty gas pumps, and rocking BBQ sandwiches.

"Dude! were stranded here with no contact to the outside world, OH, Hold up! Tri-Tip Time!"

Ignoring the obviously cryptic warnings from the lone attendant, the now stranded group decides to split up and explore, which is totally your best bet when lost in the south, in a Podunk ass town. Sally and boyfriend Jerry set off to do couple stuff, while filler couple, Pam and Kirk, set out to do couple stuff of more explicit content. (That means sex) Franklin gives the two horny rabbits directions to a nearby swimming hole, because nothing is sexier than stagnant water infested with mosquito larva and a decade's worth of old oil filters, while he stays behind with the van. Unfortunately for Franklin there wasn't enough room to pack the off road wheelchair wheels in the van. Pam and Kirk soon discover and old house and in a few moments, the end of the road.

Bad Idea #3, 4, 5 Stopping anywhere in Texas, Splitting off from your group in Texas, and exploring creepy places in Texas.

Note: Bad ideas 1-5 happen in the first twenty minutes of the film.

At this point the film really starts and we are introduced to the terrifying collaboration of your worst nightmare, a lumberjack, and The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Leatherface's grand appearance sets the tone the rest of the film in a series of brutal violence, confusion, and more bad Ideas than I could possibly fit in this article, all starting with Kirk. Being a nosey jackass, Kirk enters the house only to be quickly dispatched via sledgehammer blow to the dome.

Remeber that forshadowing we didn't mention earlier? Yeah neither do I

Shortly after, Pam follows after Kirk and heads up stairs to uncover a room filled with the skeletal remains of everyone Kirstie Alley ever ate. Stunned by the horror, Pam is captured, skewered through the back by a giant meat hook, and while suspended in the air, forced to watch her partner dismembered by a chainsaw. This scene later became the inspiration for over 1800 death metal songs. Meanwhile the three remaining members reconvene back at the van where Jerry musters up the cannonballs and sets out alone to search for the missing two. Jerry soon finds the house and ignorantly interrupts Leatherface's time with the newest issue of readers digest, buying himself a sledgehammer thank you. Now pissed and out of weed, Sally and Franklin set out to the house themselves to figure out what the fuck is going on. Along the unpaved path Leatherface greets Franklin with a chainsaw to the face and chases Sally to his homestead where Sally learns the awful truth. There are two dead people kept upstairs, the people in this town are freaks and without wings or magic, she can't fly from a two story window.

The escape went something like this.

The film pretty much wraps up from this point on. She realizes the creepy ass gas station attendant is actually part of the freaky family, the freaky hitchhiker is part of the freaky family, and the old man's dead body is more or less the leader of the freaky family. Ya know, because that happens. Our villains treat Sally to a lovely dinner and a bit of family back history. Soon the family brings the old man body from upstairs to join them for dinner. Grandpa, as they affectionately call this mumbling bag of guts and talcum powder treats himself to a little dinner delight, sucking on the tip of Sally's finger in the usual sexy old man fashion. He then attempts to use the back of her head as pinata. Struggling and bluegrass music break out, and Sally makes her daring escape as she attempt flight number two out a nearby window. I guess gravity's punishment wasn't enough for her the first time. Sally breaks free down the road closely followed by leatherface and that Hitchhiker from the beginning. Remember, that one from the beginning, with all the cutting and yelling, yeah him. Hitchhiker soon becomes a road pancake as he is flattened by a random, if not super convenient moving semi. The confused truck driver stops for sally and blasts Leatherface in the head with a lead wrench bringing us to the amazing climax and one of the best scenes in cinema. Leatherface loses balance, falls, and drops his chainsaw on own his leg tearing through the tissue. As Sally escapes with the truck driver, Leatherface stands practically unharmed and wildly swings his chainsaw over his head proving a point to the whole world, EVEN LEATHERFACE CAN'T FUCK WITH LEATHERFACE.

Famous faces from Texas Chainsaw Massecre history.

1) Gunnar Hansen - Texas Chainsaw Massecre

Gunnar, who starred as the orginal Leatherface, later went on do nothing of any major importance to anyone outside of the extreme horror cult population, except numorous interviews and documentaries about being the orginal Leatherface. This mans major life credit is wearing a mask made of curred human flesh and causing a sudden release of bowell control to audiences for over 35 years.

2) Edwin Neal - Texas Chainsaw Massecre

Then Now

Then and now

After 1974 Edwin Neal left earth and started a conquest to take over outlying galaxies on the edge of the univers. He later returned to earth to punish he future wife Rita Repulsa and destroy the Power Rangers Dinozords, staking his claim as "Ultimate badass of earth". Yes, this is the guy who played Lord Zedd, and if you don't know who Lord Zedd is, your and idiot

3) Dennis Hopper - Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Can you believe that he played the good guy in that movie?Dennis Hopper later went on to play a just as rediculous, but much less scary version of Gary Busey

4) Bill Moseley - Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Bill went on to continue scaring the hell out of people for the rest of his career. Chances are if you have seen a horror film made in the last 10 years, he was probably in it. He once again drove travelers away from the southern United States as "Otis" in Rob Zombies' 2003 debut, House of 1000 Corpses.

5) Viggo Mortensen - Texas Chainsaw Massecre 3

T.C.M. 3 was a major stepping stone for Viggo's career, being on of his first leading roles. He later went on to make a fortune LARPing as Aragorn in Peter Jackson's film version of Lord of the Rings. In 2007 Viggo was nominated for an Academy Award in the "Best Dong" department for his role in Eastern Promises.

6) Ken Foree

Another famous face from the horror culture. Ken's extensive TV resume means even the most inexperienced horror patron has probably seen this face from time to time. Most notebly, getting murdered in a truck stop crapper by Micheal Meyers in the 2007 remake.

7) Rene Zellweger - Texas Chainsaw Massecre: The Next Generation

Taken 2000: Rene live on the set of Nurse Betty

After T.C.M., Rene hit it big as Dorthy Boyd in 1996 Jerry Maguire, and has continued to play the character of Dorthy in every movie she has been in since.

8) Matthew McConaughey - Texas Chainsaw Massecre: The Next Generation

Matthew McConaughey is a douche bag who does man yoga on the beach

Other families to aviod

After Tobe Hooper created the most insane thing caught on film, he directed his efforts towards more creative modes of insanity. For example, his film Lifeforce about space vampires. Not vampires IN space, vampires FROM space. In his wake, he left future film scare tactics to the imaginations of future generations, who in turn tried to re-create his vision over and over again. Here are some more families who are rednecks and eat human flesh.

Smith family farm/motel

The family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets Cabbage Patch Kids, plus a pig mask

The Milky Way Galaxy Family?

Radioactive cannibal hillbillies all named after planets. You figure it out.

These people

Umm....I speechless on this one.

The Firefly Family

Though I don't think there is any evidence of consumption of flesh, this family definitely makes up for it in a multitude of ways. Ranging from satanic worship, rape, showtunes, and unnesicery surgery, this group definitetly makes the "main reasons to avoid cross country travel" list.

The Manson Family

The inspiration for what later became....

The Duggar family

18 Future Congressman and counting