Ozzy Osbourne

Ozzy Osbourne is a maniac from Birmingham who managed to get three other musicians to tolerate him long enough to invent heavy metal. He became a cat shooting, Alamo peeing, bat eating malcontent who has since transformed into a tottering old ghoul.

We here at Cracked say that if you've become unmetal enough to displease something that can't have opinions, it's time to stop calling yourself the Prince of Darkness.

Just The Facts

  1. Ozzy Osbourne was originally kicked out of Black Sabbath because he would miss shows and not show up to practice due to substance and alcohol abuse. After they reunited in the mid '90s, he was kicked out again just for being an asshole.
  2. Osbourne once gave an interview where he blamed the failure of Black Sabbath's 1978 catastrophe "Never Say Die!" on cold weather, establishing him as a moron, a douchebag AND a whiner.
  3. His wife, Sharon, is just dreadful.

With Black Sabbath

Black Sabbath in 1970, recording a track in a rare moment of lucidity between LSD phantom attacks and sacrifices to Baphomet

Between the time where Led Zeppelin's "Dazed and Confused" created hard rock and Kiss's "Strutter" fucked it to death, Black Sabbath rose out of Birmingham, a place Charles Dickens might have described as "a real shit-hole", to create heavy metal. Ozzy Osbourne defined Black Sabbath's sound with his inimitable vocals, which sound like what you would get if you combined a foghorn and a housecat and then somehow managed to punch it in the face. With a trio of talented musicians backing his deranged howls, Black Sabbath became immensely popular and Ozzy Osbourne gained fame, money and enough drugs to prop up Columbia's economy until the next coming of Jesus Christ. After creating six classic albums and two shitty ones with Black Sabbath, Osbourne was kicked out of the band towards a flourishing solo career in 1979, while the remaining members of Sabbath spiraled downward into a state of failure that eventually became so extreme that concerts were being cancelled because nobody gave a shit.

All By Himself

Randy Rhoads at the peak of his carrer, prior to being tragically cut short by a severe case of What In The Holy Christ Could You Have Possibly Been Thinking, Randy?

With a decade's worth of fame, an armload of money and almost half of his brain cells left, Ozzy Osbourne started his solo career. The crown jewel of his first lineup of backing musicians was undoubtably guitarist Randy Rhoads, who was considered a virtuoso long enough to record two albums before he thought it would be a totally fucking sweet idea to join the tour bus driver in a plot to steal a plane, fly it low over the band's tour bus as a prank, then crash it into a house and die. Osbourne struggled to find a permanent guitarist after the incident, eventually settling on Zakk Wylde, a hillbilly with a penchant for spirals and other designs that would make any human being with an eye for "aesthetics" or "taste" bleed from every part of their body and then collapse inwardly on themselves like a neutron star. Even with the most musically talented mountain man who ever lived preforming at his side, however, Osbourne's career lacked the spark and popularity it once held during the days of "Crazy Train", and it would take an MTV program to rejuvinate it while at the same time make sure that nobody would ever take Ozzy Osbourne seriously again.

With His Family

The British interpretation of what the elderly have come to know as What's Wrong With America These Days

In 2002, Ozzy Osbourne came to a realization: "If I can't be famous for my music, then I can at least be famous for not understanding things like language, colors, emotions or how to run a family." Thus, The Osbournes was created, giving us a view into the life of the confused, loud dullards that were the Osbourne family. The show consisted of equal parts moping, screaming and mumbling between Ozzy, the Gorgon and a duo of children unfortunate enough to share blood with both a burned-out simpleton and a legendarily vicious creature of ancient myth. This was fascinating enough to the American public to become the most watched show in MTV history.

Ozzy continued to make records during the show, one of which managed to land on Q Magazine's 50 Worst Albums Ever. Is Ozzy's announcement that he will only make two more albums before he retires a lie? Probably. Will he continue to embarass himself into his old age? Absolutely.