Bruce Campbell

Bruce Campbell, according to both IMDB and Wikipedia, is an American film & television actor. This is a bald-faced lie, as he is in fact the second coming of God.

Some people erroneous believe this to be a costume, when it is in fact his usual Sunday gardening outfit.

Bruce doesn't fuck around when carving the turkey at Thanksgiving.

Bruce was the only cast member on Xena who didn't require a costume fitting, he was already this awesome.

Just The Facts

  1. Bruce Campbell is God. Don't act like you didn't know that.
  2. Bruce Campbell is famous for butchering hordes of zombies while Sam Raimi and his documentary crew film it.
  3. Bruce Campbell pondered becoming a professional wrestler but no one was able to perform a simple chinlock on him.
  4. Ignore the insane ramblings of Wikipedia, these are all the real true facts about Bruce Almighty. The real one, not the bendy douchebag.

This.... is my BOOMSTICK!!!

Sam Raimi, long before he made Spiderman awesome again then subsequently ruined him, began his film carreer as a struggling college student, try to make a schlocky horror movie on less of a budget than Ed Wood got. He knew his piece, "The Evil Dead", was going to be cheap, ugly and embarassing, so he did the only thing he could to make his shitty student film look watchable; he asked his insanely handsome and charismatic best friend to star in it, giving it the illusion of being worth watching.

It is indeed then very fortunate that Raimi's best friend happened to be this man;

If only...

Raimi's college professor was so impressed he passed the film on to a producer buddy of his and ended up getting it a limited theatrical release. Thanks to Raimi's bizarre sense of horror comedy and Bruce's good looks and easygoing charm, it somehow became a cult classic.

Given a decent budget and asked to make another funny horror flick, Raimi instead decided to film a documentary by following Bruce on a typical weekend in the country. Raimi and his camera crew documented Bruce's exploits fighting the demonically posessed undead and the rest is history.

Following the sccess of the documentary "Evil Dead 2", Raimi and his crew borrowed some spare equipment from Christopher Lloyd's house and followed Bruce back in time to document Bruce's historic campaign to save the human race from extinction, for5ge peace between Britain and Scotland, and knock up the only hot chick around to ensure his manly badass DNA was passed aloong to future generations. It has been suggested he may in fact be his own descendant. It is notable that during this adventure Bruce invented the world's first prosthetic limb.

Upon their return to the present, Raimi paqrlayed the success of his documentaries with Bruce into some other projects, every single one of which Bruce Campbell was given a cameo in. This is because, as scientists have proven, putting Bruce Campell on screen for even only a minute increases the box office take by 20%.

The most notable of Campbell's Sam Raimi Cameos© was his recurring role as Autolycus, the King of Thieves on Xena; Warrior Princess. Many believe Bruce fathered the child Lucy Lawless bore mid-series solely by being close to her and smiling.

All kidding aside, Bruce Campbell may not actually be a god among men, (citation needed), but he IS legitimately awesome. He took a 1-dimensional role in a shlocky low-budget horror flick and made it matter. More than that, he made it legendary. The character of Ash has completely transcended the original films. In comic books alone Ash is still getting more mileage than the character EVER should have gotten, but because of Bruce Campell's natural manly charisma, plus his ability to not take himself too seriously, the character will live probably long past Bruce himself.

For example, in comics, Ash has.....

Pwn'd the Marvel Universe,

Put two aging horror icons in their place,

And been so awesome that he was literally beside himself.

The key to Bruce's popularity and longevity is his Kirk Factor; like William Shatner, he knows he's kind of a joke but he's IN on the joke, thus getting the last laugh at us all. Outside of his association with Sam Raimi, Bruce has parlayed his cult staus into a few other decently successful projects, such as the utterly bonkers Bubba Ho Tep wherein he plays an elderly Elvis teaming up with a black JFK to fight a revived redneck mummy prince,

...And had the balls to release a movie about himself wherein he plays himself.

The bottom line is that Bruce Campbell is the epitome of badassery, enough of a man that even I as a lesbian am tempted to want to fuck him, and just generally so awesome it's not entirely inconceivable that my earlier jokes about his secret godhoos may in fact be closer to to truth than we know.

So take Bruce Almighty as your most awesome savior, and pray at the altar of S-Mart, that lo, ye too may shp smart.