Sports Movies

Sports movies are films "based on true stories" that bring us stories of underdogs triumphing against all odds and inspire us. They are also usually formulaic bullshit.

Keanu Reeves adds another gold star to his resume

Just The Facts

  1. Sports Movies involve professional Black stereotypes and mexicans
  2. They are directed by some machine in a basement of some Hollywood Hotel and serve to inspire us all that we too can win a Basketball game final in the last second by using hard work, perseverance and most of all, team work
  3. No, we can't

99% of Sports Movies

Every sports movie has a short opening clip of an athlete experiencing a life-changing moment/being absolutely humiliated in the sport the movie focuses on. The opening credits roll, with popular music from the time period, playing over them. These credits will feature the phrase "based on a true story". Chances are this movie depicts the team in question as accurately as Reality TV depicts entertainment.

The actual movie begins, with a title card showing that it is now "(15-20) Years Later". There is a team ("The Underdogs") playing in a slum,The athlete in the opening scene shows up, older, wiser, and ready to be the new coach of the team.The Coach meets the team and their disrespect for this man is shown by a mexican spitting at him, and a young black kid telling him "he don't know what its like in the ghetto." Coach uses maverick style punishments similar to abuse (but not abuse because its done in the name of high school sport, and that's "wrong". Fuck you, Supreme Court)

Now that the team begrudgingly respects the coach they play a game, one person is particularly bastard-like but has incredible skills, he refuses to pass. Coach teaches them importance of team work

The team plays their first game and win easily, however they did not play to the coaches satisfaction, their confidence is smacked down by his angry rant, they no longer respect him. The players think the coach is a douche, the audience does not. (P.S: He is!). They get rid of their asshole Coach and go on to win games without him, until a game comes along against 78 time world champions, Coach returns and helps them retrain to his standard, in like, an hour.

They win their final game with 0.00000001 seconds left all because of team work. Their is a slow-motion sequence of them winning, and then while they're celebrating.

Space Jam is a good example of this.

1% of Sports Movies

Everything happens the same as above, but then they lose.

Friday Night Lights is pretty much the only movie where this happens.